Standard Chuck's View of Everything Around

Awesome pic from Our Kitchen Sink

2009-07-22T16:15:00.001-04:00

Rock Band Hendrix - found it browsing through elbo.ws, the best music blog aggregators.

L.A. Mayor: Taxpayers will foot the Michael Jackson Memorial costs

2009-07-14T11:16:00.002-04:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_michael_jackson_memorial_cost

Why make taxpayers pay for a memorial? Make the family and AEG pay. This is outrageous.

2009-06-26T11:53:00.001-04:00

RIP Michael Jackson

From the Weekend

2009-05-18T13:53:00.002-04:00

At the bachelor party, an interesting question arose: if one were a gay male pornstart and there were no male fluffers around, would a female fluffer be sufficient?

Awesome cartoon

2009-05-14T15:35:00.002-04:00

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04302009

The Caps

2009-05-12T14:28:00.004-04:00

I am not a hockey fan...yet. I can understand, though, the enticement of playoff hockey. The game last night between the Penguins and Capitals was awesome. So, in honor, let me rock the red.

Another Reason to Hate Children

2009-05-06T09:51:00.002-04:00

Face transplant recipient: 'I'm not a monster' http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090506/ap_on_he_me/med_face_transplant;_ylt=AjxVIr0AjWwgZ83Wq9D4PTms0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFoZm5mbHF2BHBvcwMxNgRzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX3RvcF9zdG9yaWVzBHNsawNmYWNldHJhbnNwbGE-
Once while shopping, she heard a little kid say, `You said there were no real monsters, Mommy, and there's one right there,'" Coffman said. Culp stopped and said, "I'm not a monster. I'm a person who was shot," and pulled out her driver's license to show the child what she used to look like, the psychiatrist said.

What I would give to be able to pull some evil pranks on that kid.

Also: Culp's husband, Thomas, shot her in 2004, then turned the gun on himself. He went to prison for seven years.

Brilliant writing. The guy failed at killing twice...and is rewarded with only seven years. You've got to love terrible shots and the American penal system.

Peter King (verb) to continue a man crush even when said crush is a douchebag

2009-05-04T16:40:00.002-04:00

Brett Favre has damaged his reputation with his retirement/unretirement seasonal disorder, but that's one of the perks of being unnaturally skilled at flinging pigskin as well as being a publicity magnet that instantly boosts sales. Yet, the right thing to do right now would be for the American public and for its broadcasters to ignore the crotchity desires of a fading superstar and move on. Of course, one man will continue the Favre man-love...his name is Peter King. (for more non-scientific or rational proof, go to google and search "Peter King loves Favre")

I love Monday Morning Quarterback. Tied with Easterbrook's eminently less readable (and more pretentious) Tuesday Morning Quarterback for length, there's no other printout that I most love to take with on my work day morning coffee/bathroom break. King churns out paragraphs of good reporting, nicely compiled quotes (the staffers who supply him are good), very poor prognostications (his draft preview and his fantasy sleepers are face-slappingly horrid), and fun to read, Joe-Everyman ruminations on travel, coffee, and whatever seems to interest the guy. I'm a big fan...

But the man love for Favre has got to stop. Last year, as Favre did his dance of death and vengence against the Packers, King had Favre's back, breathlessly reporting that Favre's got the right to play anywhere Favre wants. Then, while red hot with the Jets, King had a nice thing to say about Favre for six weeks in a row...no, nice is not the right word...a mash note.

When Favre broke down, King did say that Favre made some bad decisions and was wearing down. He didn't slay him like other media writers, but King was honest with his assessment of Favre's (possibly) final games.

Now, with Favre starting the comeback talks by demanding a release from the Jets, here's what King writes: "I know you're sick of this story. We all are. But my gut feeling is Favre never completely got this Vikings fixation out of his system...If he returns, the dream game of this season won't be Pats-Colts. It'll be Vikings-Packers. Twice." Ugh, seriously, if we are all sick of the story, then why perpetuate it with a drooling tease at the end of your write up? If he plays, that's fine, but to stoke the petering-out fire of Favre-mania in May is just gross. I know that King loves Favre's grit and emotion, but that emotion is also translated into egotism and higher-than-the-team behavior. His act reminds me of the last years of Clemens and Bonds, and though Favre is in no way a cheat and a scoundrel like the two baseballing jerks, he's still bigger than the team and his recklessness cost the Jets a postseason berth and Mangini a job in the Big Apple.

Give it a rest, King. Write about other stuff, like your fascinating breakdown of the Eagles draft. Leave you Tiger Beat-ing for Favre under the bed until at least training camp.

Recap

2009-05-02T16:44:00.004-04:00

Has it really been so long, dear reader, since the last SC post? Let's see what's happened in the intervening time:

Work has become more involved and interestingly frustrated. I'm now doing project management while also lead in a group while also working on processes while also troubleshooting while also...ad nauseum. The joy and bane of small businesses: becoming a jack of all trades.
I got married. I know, marriage should have gone first, but I was trying to be chronological. ELV and I got married in November. A lovely wedding of weirdness...we had a terrible photographer, a cranky pianist, a nervous weepy groom, and a table full of asians. A good time indeed!
We moved into a new apartment in Columbia, MD. What I miss about B-more: the proximity of good food, good friends, and the usual familiarity of home. What I don't miss about B-more: the sirens, the never-ending wail of sirens. It is really peaceful here at the new homestead. Why don't you come on by sometime, we'll fix you up a nice hot plate and show you around the property.
We got a huge freaky naughty TV. I love it.
I've been getting more and more into sports cards, primarily my fandom of young Hanley Ramirez, shortstop for the Florida Marlins. Funny, being in this region, I should root for the Orioles or the Nats, but seriously, they're both terrible organizations that are trying their best for you not to root for them. The Marlins, however, are a crazy-go-nuts organization that ranges between rebuilding after fire sales to world series champions in four year jags. They've got a fun group of mashers and young arms. Watch, the next two years, a few trades, a few free agent signings, a run for another ring, and then everyone's gone for prospects. It's like slash and burn farming.
We got a couch...ELV took four months to pick one out but now we have it and our living room is sit-able. My butt thanks thee.
We went on a cruise. It was horrible. I'll make it a stand alone entry, hopefully before I disappear for another year-long stretch.
Started a few new blogs, most notably Dave's Lunch, which was started Thursday. It features a picture of my buddy Dave of Noculture/2DF fame eating lunch accompanied by a haiku by yours truly. I hope it evolves into something cool.

Before I get into the sports thing, here's a Lost note. Is anyone else getting kinda sick of the current Lost episode structure of start show with a bang --> boring 35mins--> kinda interesting 5 mins --> last 5 minutes are a breathless rush of information? Take for instance this week's episode featuring Daniel Farraday. The setup, as always, hooks you. The story meanders at that point, mostly a goose chase to finally get Daniel to admit that he's trying to blow up the island. Seriously, my eyes are glued anytime the show's on screen, but at each commercial break, I'm a bit letdown by the pacing within the show. I know as soon as we get to the break around 45 mins into the show, things will get better. And so it is, with the Widmore fathering reveal and the Farraday death sequence. The last parts are always great cliffhangers, but the best episodes, like "the Constant" or "the Other 48 Days" also have satisfactory endings, but the middle part of the episode has a great pacing that keeps the mind enthralls while at the same time pushing the story along. Of course, this could just be grousing...I still love the show.

Also, with Daniel's death, does it really matter? The castaways have the journal and they have the ghost whisperer. Miles can talk to Daniel, though what information Miles can get out of Daniel post-mortem is in doubt. Will Miles even make sense of the over the top stammering sci-fi lingo that spirit Daniel will be spewing?

Ah, no time for the sports thing. I'm out.

Awesome Game

2008-08-08T03:05:00.001-04:00

Desktop Tower Defense...horribly addicting Flash game. More entertaining than most games out there...

http://www.handdrawngames.com/DesktopTD/game.asp

A month or so off the top...

2008-08-06T13:15:00.002-04:00

Much like the restful Bill Simmons, I took some time off from the blog. Of course, his vacation was scheduled, taking time off from his lucrative position with ESPN to do what he used to do for free, while I took time off because I didn't feel like writing. There are many things harder than forcing yourself to write a blog post, but not many that I can procrastinate and forget to do.

So, here's a quick personal update: breaking news...we'll be having our reception at Geppi's Museum in Baltimore's Inner Harbor. That's right, we're moving the reception for a beautiful gothic parish house to "a journey through 250 years of American pop culture." The place is fantastic; a beautiful space right above the Camden Sports Legends museum, adjacent to Camden Yards, in the heart of downtown. The space has gorgeous wood flooring and the exhibits have something for all to see. I know that my boy Tobes is going to get a bit chubb rock from all the comic books.

OK, onto other things, primarily my proposition that this will be your central hub for all things making fun of the Ravens. That's right, I'm going to use my fandom to write about the Ravens season to absolutely kill the team. I'll watch the games, read up, and channel all my negativity into this blog.

Hmmm, Kyle Boller is the starting QB for the pre-season opener. Awesome. I'm excited to watch the game to see who gets injured and which chumps make some play that gives us some hope for the season...only to dash all dreams by Week 7.

Then again, it could be worse...you could be Bret Favre in the swamps of NY. Good luck going 6-10.

What the world needs now is guns, more guns

2008-06-26T13:08:00.002-04:00

As soon as I read the news blurb about the Supreme Court ruling that the Second Amendment protects the individual's right to have a gun in one's home, I ran over the the computer as fast as I could to blog up my ideas. That's right, Standardchuck readers, there are only a few topics (racism, stupidity, dumb sports things, Lyle Lovett) that make me drop everything to type out some e-words. Gun control is one of them, particularly when a conservative Supreme Court decides to legislate.

In the majority opinion, Justice Antonin "I hate freedom" Scalia "said the history of the 2nd Amendment shows its authors intended to protect the 'right of the people' as individuals to have weapons, both to defend themselves and their community." Thus, we now have a definite ruling by the Supreme Court that the Second Amendment specifically protects the rights of individuals to own and possess guns. This is a most disturbing turn of events, especially in light of the fact that this was the first time the high court has even overturned a gun ban on the basis of the second amendment.

The wording of the second Amendment is as follows: A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

This is a classic moment where there is a disconnect between the original intent of the Amendment and the current interpretation that the Supreme Court's conservative majority utilized to protect gun rights using the amendment. The key word for me seems to be militia, which is defined as "civilians trained as soldiers but not part of the regular army." The average gun owner is not a trained soldier. Simply going to a gun range and shooting at a target does not make you a soldier. Soldiers have duties to protect not only themselves and their immediate families, but also their country and their countries interest. The simple reduction of militia to meaning individual seems to be a huge, illogical linguistic jump. Last time I checked, militia was not a synonym for individual.

The frightening thing is that this landmark decision is the point which will lead to the expansion of gun rights in America. Even though Scalia threw in the point that the second amendment does not grant boundless freedoms, there will now be precedent set so that gun control legislation will be severely curtained. Just what the USA needed, more guns in homes, more guns in the hands of individuals, and more money pouring into the hands of anyone involved in the firearms buisness.

I am deeply saddened by the insistence of rational individuals who think that they are safer having a handgun in the home. Then again, first of all, I met and listened to Antonin Scalia, who has a great sense of humor. He's a nutbag. Second, I've lived all over the country and met many gun fans, of all different creeds and colors, and that should have convinced me that there is a lack of rational individuals in America.

Let the shoot out begin, wackos. Thanks, Edwards court.

What Could Have Been...

2008-06-18T08:09:00.002-04:00

June 18, 2008 - Los Angelas, California. It was a performance for the ages by the MVPs, and Kobe Bryant finally has his fourth ring. More importantly, Kevin Garnett has his first. The Lakers defeated the Detroit Pistons 92 - 87 at the Staples Center...

Today's Boston Globe has the front page story about the Celtics taking the NBA Finals series with their destruction of the Lakers 131-92. The two top scorers for the Celts were Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. However, the stories could have been different if not for the sequence of draft picking in 2007.

What if the envelopes for the top two picks of the draft had contained the Boston Celtics' logo? They deserved it, right? They tanked so many games to finish at 24-58. Looking at their roster at the time, the Celts highest paid players included Wally "double Z" Szczerbiack, Theo Ratliff, and Vin Baker. They earned Greg Oden or Kevin Durant.

So, instead, the cruel lottery balls of the NBA granted the Celtics the fifth pick. They trade it away to get Ray Allen. They then convince KG to come roost in the new Garden. The rest is history.

What if they had the first two picks? First they would have either had Oden's non-playing gimpy knees or Kevin Durant's pretty good year. Second, they would not have had Ray Allen. Third, I'm pretty sure that KG wouldn't want to come be apart of another rebuilding team. Fourth, you probably lose Paul Pierce. If he's still on the team at this time in our alternate NBA universe, he would be shout to any available news media outlet that he wants out of the NBA altogether, ready to run off with Starbury to the former USSR.

So, here's a possible starting five if they had the first pick: Rondo (G), West (G), Pierce (F), Jefferson (F), Perkins (C). Sub in Durant for West if they had the second pick. Expectation, 35-40 wins maybe?

Thank the bounce of the ping pong ball, Celtics fans.

Symbolic caring about the environment

2008-06-03T15:46:00.002-04:00

http://blog.wired.com/wiredscience/2008/06/climate-change.html

Remember when Senators would argue about climate change then leave their offices to get into idling SUVs to go a few blocks to get their drink on? No? Well, it happened. I'm glad that America's getting serious (sort-of) about environmental issues. Go Democrat controlled Congress!!!

It's Over! Right?

2008-06-03T15:41:00.004-04:00

So, apparently the Democratic primary is over...close to over...since Clinton lost the latest contest and Obama grabbed Fmr. President Jimmy Carter's endorsement. Additionally, Hillary has publicly stated that she wouldn't mind being VP on Obama's ticket.

Thank goodness it is over. Seriously, other than major politickheads, has anyone keep up with this ridiculousness?

Apparently Upper Deck has...

Look at how crappy Hillary looks on the right card...

That is all. I'm just glad that it is over, since the Democrats, as always, have been working to lose another race.

Happy 300th Post

2008-05-31T15:50:00.003-04:00

Congratulations...me! This is the 300th Standardchuck post and I couldn't be happier. In fact, how about this:

Sure, the chart doesn't make much sense; um, the green bar keeps growing the farther right you get (insert joke about "relationship between conservatives and environmentalism, lack of"). Here's the explanation: Standardchuck the blog has gotten 440 hits today, 352 unique new visitors! Yeah, that's right, folks, I'm highly trafficked! Must be my wit. Must be the insightful writing. Must be the fact that I have a distinctive voice in the hustle and bustle of cyberspace.

Nope.

It is because I used a picture of a wallpaper that I found on google for a throw-away blog piece on soccer.

Yep, they're all coming to see this:

So, I'm going to pass on all those stats as if they were spins on Press Your Luck to the actual website that needs credit for the popular wallpaper:

http://www.lucas-wallpapers.com/

I'm guessing that they love soccer. And they're in Algeria. The system is down.

...

By the way, I miss Press Your Luck. I've tried to watch the Game Show Network's Whammy, and it just isn't the same. For some reason, I thought just now that the original Press Your Luck was hosted by Joe Penny of Jack and the Fat Man fame. Nope, it was Peter Tomarken. Peter is dead, long live Peter Tomarken. In honor of Peter Tomarken, below is a picture of Joe Penny.

Detact is one hell of a word

2008-05-27T14:12:00.001-04:00

Nothing like trying to break a world record and having our balloon make a break for it without you.

Stupid balloons, always conspiring to destroy the dreams of the elderly.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/low/europe/7421435.stm

Update: Pork and Beans missing references

2008-05-25T17:32:00.003-04:00

Update: Happy Memorial Day! Placed the new links into the main body of the post...enjoy.

Weezer post (third edit)

2008-05-24T12:49:00.004-04:00

A Scene by Scene reference guide to Weezer's 2008 video for "Pork and Beans"

Click here for a link to the video.

First off...the song is catchy, but the video is catchier, in the pop culture referencing fun that goes along with every great compilation collection. Like Rushdie's Satanic Verses or Joyce's Ulysses to ABC's LOST, the fun is finding all the references. I tried my best, labeled unknown references hoping that someone might supply them later. Additionally, I lost much of the interest trying to sequentially do the last part of the video, only noting two newer references. Enjoy.

Start with Brian Bell (guitar) at top left screen in the style of
Pachobel's Canon by JerryC FunTwo - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjA5faZF1A8

Bottom Left is Patrick Wilson (drums) and then Bottom Right is Rivers Cuomo.
The top right corner has Scott Shriner (bass), which then cuts to a guy with headphones (the Numa Numa guy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60og9gwKh1o), cutting back to Scott.

Cut to superimposed face on
Drama Prairie Dog - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHjFxJVeCQs
followed by a cut to
How the Dramatic Prairie Dog Was Born - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sochd9Xqlos

Cut to a flipping ninja guy falling down, which is a reference to Afro Ninja (thanks comment maker) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEtIoGQxqQs, and not Urban Ninja - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2kJZOfq7zk.

Cut to Rivers Cuomo surfing the web, cutting to Experiment #711, a reference to the Diet Coke + Mentos videos - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKoB0MHVBvM

A pair of safety googles are thrown to Sergeant Slaughter, in a nod to the National Fenslerfilm Council G.I. Joe PSA parodies, such as this one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAcg-kMC4QA

Cut back to the Diet Coke/Mentos, then pictures of Scott Shriner wearing different T-Shirts, based on the Guiness World Record for most t-shirts worn at one time - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6tlw-oPDBM

Some of the shirts that I could identify:

"I love shoes" white T
Blue Shirt
Experiment #711
Yellow with symbol
Blue with a bear symbol
A GOPHER shirt in the style of G.I. Joe
A shirt with a Banana (Peanut Butter Jelly Time - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8MDNFaGfT4)
A shirt saying Download Free MP3
Russian words on T

Cut back to Mentos/Diet Coke, then to the karate guy twirling a bo staff, then a cut to Chris Crocker singing the song in the style of the infamous Leave Britney Alone - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc

Cut to a Nintendo game screen that says "Crocker: All Your Pork and Beans Are Belong to Us!!" which is a copy of the "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" from the NES game Zero Wing - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qItugh-fFgg

Cut back to Mentos/Diet Coke, then a cut to one of the best stupid moments ever, the Miss Teen USA 2007, South Carolina answers a question - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dw w mixed with a lightsaber (references all over YouTube)

Cut to the guy seated dancing, enter Patrick Wilson, screen right, eating what appears to be cereal (reference), cutting abruptly to guy answering phone and Scott Shriner's head moving in screen left, cutting to guys doing to Soulja Boy dance - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vum3qgoh0x4 (apparently the white Soulja Boys - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZE2OzguWHo)

The screen pans to the Evolution of Dance Judson Laippley - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

Cut to "Chocolate Rain" Tay Zonday - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA

Cut to overhead shot of hands playing a keyboard, which cuts to image of K-Fed rocking out at the his home studio playing Popozao - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6RvngAZCcQ&feature=related

Then an image of Rivers Cuomo singing with Tay Zonday.

Cut to the chorus of the song written and performed on hands, like the Daft Hands video for Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2cYWfq--Nw

Which cuts to the parody of the Daft Bodies Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLYD_-A_X5E after which the helmets are lifted to reveal Scott Shriner and Brian Bell.

Cut to a continuation of the T-Shirts gag with Scott Shriner, ending with the final tally of "155 T-Shirts/ Sized Small - 10XL/ 4 Hours/ 100 Extra Pounds"

Cut to back to Mentos/Diet Coke with spinning fountain, cutting to Tay and Rivers continuing their duet, cutting to a girl on an armchair waving around her rainbow socks (Rainbow Socks Girl - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=embdtwW-sSE)

Cut to a continuation of the martial arts dude, this time fighting off three ninjas, ended with a cool Bruce Lee pose. Cut to Chris Crocker, then back to Mentos/Diet Coke.

Cut to Rivers Cuomo giving Chris Crocker a hug (maybe a reference to the popular Free Hugs video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4)

Cut back to the Mentos/Diet Coke, followed by continuation of the Daft Hands (No I Dont CAAAARE), then a cut to the Lyle Show "Shoes" song parody - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCF3ywukQYA&feature=user

Cut to Chris Crocker (again) wiping to a room filled with many of the characters dancing around the band, including some dancing babies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W4EBoQmWPs), some guy waving around a golf club (Star Wars Kid - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU), Patrick Wilson drumming with light sabers, the Daft Bodies, the guys doing the Soulja Boy, Tay Zonday, K-Fed in the background, some robotic things flying across the screen (ref?), the sneezing panda baby in background (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk), cutting to karate guy ripping off a ninja's mask to reveal a singing banana, its peanut butter jelly time - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8MDNFaGfT4.

Additionally, as there are rapid cuts everywhere, which I don't feel like documenting...there are two other references that I caught: there's the Will It Blend blender being operated by Miss South Carolina (Blendtec - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Loi731aUYrQ) and what appears to be Charlie the Unicorn in the prairie dog tank (Charlie the Unicorn - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus)

Tonight's Dinner

2008-05-23T21:42:00.003-04:00

Mainly for my own benefit, considering that I'm about to fall over from a food coma...totally inspired by a recipe I read about from a cooking magazine while waiting in the Toyota Service Department. ELV and I cooked it, quick, easy, and awesomely tasty-licious.

Broiled Cod Filet (olive oil, peppercorn, salt) with Chimichurri Sauce
Fried Plantains (surprisingly easy, used Alton Brown's recipe found at foodnetwork.com)
Black Beans with Garlic, Green Pepper, and Savory Sauce (so delicious, mostly because it included MSG...gulp)

Foodie Fun in Baltimore, Part II (2008 edition)

2008-05-23T10:14:00.005-04:00

So, I wrote a blog piece about a year ago entitled Foodie Fun in Baltimore. Since then, I've lost a few pounds but haven't stopped my exploration of great food. ELV and I have gotten to eat at some great places and have expanded our cooking repertoire in the last year. Additionally, I've got to update some of the things that I wrote about in the previous Foodie Fun post, especially since I've actually gotten reader feedback of the non-spam variation. Huzzah! I have a reader other than my good friend Kid W...this goes out to you, intrepid reader.

First up, recaps: I had a rant about fried chicken in the last food post. For the most part, I have not changed my opinion of the quality of Baltimore's version of sad looking chicken parts coated with flavorless batter and then fried. It is terrible. However, there was one place that I visited this year that has helped me cope with the terrible chicken wing purveyors in the 'More. Located in a small space on Greenmount Avenue's slightly scary run through Waverly is a restaurant called Darker Than Blue Cafe. Pictured on the right is the chef, Casey Jenkins, who produces wonderfully flavored dishes of home cooking comfort. His fried chicken has the two crucial elements that aren't found in most chicken box joints: a salty, satisfying crunch of a crust and juicy, flavorful meat. The breast meat (a huge test when it comes to fried chicken) was palatable, which is a complement. It reminded me of Two Sisters' Kitchen in Jackson, Mississippi, where I had my fried chicken epiphany as a 17 year old. Darker Than Blue came close to that feeling of elation, spreading a smile across my greasy lips as I remembered home.

Next recap: Mexican food. First of all, for the people who brought up Nacho Mama's (home of some of the saddest "mexican" fare ever) or Holy Frijoles (decent "mex" food but rivaling many, many Baltimore eateries for worst service ever) don't know what type of Mexican food I crave. There's a type of burrito that's out there where the ingredients are honest, fresh, and seasonal. The burrito composition is basic but well seasoned. The beans used are never over cooked or under-seasoned. The tortilla is steamed, not pressed between two warm pieces of iron. Most importantly, the burritoes explode with heat, flavor, intensity, and joy. Someone suggested Nino's Taco, which I will have to try next time I'm out near Reistertown. Still, I visited three or four small, hole in the wall places, mostly near the Eastern Avenue/down by the harbor area and were mostly disappointed. Yet, there was one place that made me sing was excitement...

Chicken Rico, on Eastern Avenue, is the type of chicken eatery that screams flavor. Their rotisserie style chicken reminds me a bit of Pollo Tropical in the Florida region, except without the flavor injection. The rub they use is light on the heat but still salty and satisfying. The best part of the meal at Chicken Rico, though, are the sides. Their plantains are usually stupendous. If you are more on the adventurous side (as I am) you have to try some of the menudo. A pungent dish of tripe, the barnyard taste can be off-putting for some, but the taste combination with the tomato/pepper sauce is simply awesome. Here's a review from the City Paper.

One more ax to grind: Dear purveyors at Joe Squared...why is everything so maddeningly inconsistent with you guys? After my hate filled experience with Joe Squared (see this pleasantly worded review that I previously wrote) I still admired their adventurous pizza toppings and their risotto offerings. On paper, they sound incredibly delicious. So, against my internal critical voice, I ordered from them...and it was great. I had a lamb sandwich, a great salad, and some adequate cheese bread. Next time I ordered, I got some risotto...which was terrible. Third times the charm, maybe? No...got the same lamb sandwich as the last time, and it was nearly inedible (rare lamb doesn't do it, nor does a 1 hour wait time for a 6pm order). I don't know which Joe Squared will show up...therefore, I'll just have to settle for Pizza Boli's or Papa Johns, because everything else in my neighborhood blows. I blame it on the horrible tastes of my art school neighbors.

OK...enough with the past, let's move to the future.

Crabs: Dismal news for crab harvesters on the Chesapeake...but if you want some amazing crab cakes, you've got to go to Faidley's at the Lexington Market. I'm ashamed that it took me this long to try a Faidley's crab cake (or to take advantage of the food shopping at Lexington Market). Their jumbo lump crab cakes are amazing...sweet giant lumps of crab, moist but not runny, bready but not oppressively starchy, perfectly fried and delicious (Look at that smile on my face, purely from crab cake goodness). It shames most of the more expensive seafood/tourist trap crab cakes that ring around the Inner Harbor. Also, if you're in the mood to be adventurous, they sell Muskrat during Muskrat season, perfect to work on your recipe for the Muskrat Cook-Off in Cambridge, MD.

Korean Food: So, I was a regular at Namkang for many months, averaging a visit a week until I just got tired of the place. Don't know what it is...maybe the lack of anonymity after frequenting a place. Well, there's a great place out by the H-Mart (Han Ah Reum Asian Supermarket) in Catonsville, an adjacent, huge, cafeteria style Korean restaurant. Serving over 120 choices, including sushi, the place is a bit overwhelming...and I can speak the language. However, step up, order off the three large overhead billboards, and wait for your number to pop up. You'll get authentically spiced Korean food. You know, most urban asian restaurants don't lay on the spice that would appease the native taste bud. No such guile at this place. I had a proper food sweat going with the Dukbokee (rice cakes, fish cakes, sweet hot pepper paste sauce) while the ELV (future Mrs. ELV-N) had a spicy Yukgehjang (spicy broth with brisket and veg). Great food, and it was inexpensive.

Pizza: Iggie's, located in Mt. Vernon, is home to some great Neapolitan style pies. Try the Funghi pizza, with mushroom ragu, leeks, mozzarella and goat cheese...if you don't like it, then, well, sucks to be you with your defective tongue. It's BYOB, so bring some beers.

Pet Peev: Since the indoor smoking ban on restaurants and bars, all the smokers have now moved outside to get their fume on. This makes it dangerous walking on a sidewalk because a> you've got angry smokers staring you down and b> you've got clouds of smoke coming from the displaced masses. I love walking into a restaurant and not having it completed choked with smoke...I just hate the smokers outside. Many peevs about it. If the door's open, you get the whiff. If you're sitting outside, trying to enjoy the air, forget about it, because someone, most likely a dour looking woman firing up a Salem 100, then spending most of the time just wafting it around while you're at a different table, trying not to remember how wonderful it was to smoke. It sucks, but can't change it...so I'll just complain about. Done.

Quick Hits:

Worst Beer I've Had In a Long Time: the wheat beers on tap at the Owl Bar, in the Belvedere. Amazingly, I had three different wheat/summer ales, and all three came out barely cold and just nasty skunked. Awful, but I was thirsty.
Best Place I Ate At this Calendar Year, Thus Far: Dukem, the Ethiopian joint on Maryland Ave. My goodness, it was spectacular. I mean, ridiculously good, right down to the coffee spiced with cardamon.
Best Pho: the former Ms Pho in the Security Mall up on Security Bvld. It's part of the Seoul Plaza failure, and I'm afraid that business at the location is going to force them to close. Seriously, it is never busy. They make a honest, solid pho and wonderful summer rolls. Sure, we've got Saigon Remembered for variety in rolls, but the Security Blvd place has a great summer roll AND some kick ass pho. I get the number one, large. Get it.
Worst Place I Ate At This Year: It has to be Zen West near the Senator Theatre. I love everything about Cafe Zen. Their take on tex-mex, though, is forgetable and, possibly, sinful. Not sinful like that chocolate cake is decadent, but sinful like the "chefs" ought to be in sack cloth, gnashing their teeth for such unimaginative, derivative, flavorless food. Their chili does not have enough spice. We tried their margaritas (ehhh, a C for "Chili's). We tried their pork (dry, heat lamped, brittle pieces of flesh that had the consistency of stringy sawdust) and something else completely unmemorable (though I distinctly remember it being left half picked at). We paid the same amount of money that you could spend getting twice as much food at Cafe Zen and really regretted the choice. Yet, there were tons of preppy families and business attired schmucks crowded around the bar and at the booths, getting their bland fajitas. I just don't get it. Why eat there when Cafe Zen is half filled? With Egyptian Pizza, Belvedere Square markets, Saigon Remembered, and even the Swallow at the Hollow within crawling distance?!!
Best Restaurant I Thought I Would Hate: The Yabba Pot. Everything about the Yabba Pot screams hippy. It's called the freakin' Yabba Pot. It's a poetry filled, vegan friendly, hemp clothed, world music spouting, beret encouraged joint that is all about slow food, organic food, vegetarian food. Yet, when you try their Chick-Un BBQ, their seaweed salad, or their plain and simple brown rice, you smile a little yourselves. I found myself tolerating spoken word poems and people extolling the virtues of animal liberation. I didn't mind the fact that Ian from High Fidelity could have walked in and I might have hugged him. It's good food.

OK...that's all for now. Happy Memorial Day Weekend everyone!

Thanks, military people, for your continual sacrifices. Screw the politicians and their ridiculous hyperbole. Come home safe.

The UEFA Cup: Manchester United vs Chelsea, First Half

2008-05-21T15:30:00.002-04:00

Alright, since I posted stuff about the NBA, turnabout is fair play, right? So, here's some thoughts as I watch some of the UEFA Cup championship match between Manchester U against Chelsea.

It is half time...with the game tied at 1-1.

Have you ever watched a sport where announcing teams change at half time? The US broadcast is going from the English (?) announcing team to the ESPN Deportes group after the half. That would be like a team with Joe Buck during the MLB World Series changing to the John Madden.

There was an add for a Chelsea Megastore USA. There are enough soccer fans, let alone for one team, in the USA to justify a sales outpost? Do we have Los Angelas Laker Megastore - Seoul? Is there a New England Patriots megastore in Bangalore?

How can you soccer fans stand the flopping? It is like having a whole bunch of Vlade Divacs running around on a field, with random goals every once and a while. Speaking of Vlade, check out the vintage pic of Vlade and Bill Laimbeer.

If it is a champions league, why are there two teams from the same league (English Premier League) playing in the finals? Shouldn't it be the champion of each country's league that's in the Champion's League? Of course, we have a World Series...right...

Every cut away from the broadcast shows a UEFA cup symbol and a chorus singing out "Cham-pi-ons!!!" It is the most annoying sound clip since that crappy pasta commercial with a Andrea Bocelli song. I know, its like catnip for middle aged women, but it shouldn't be broadcast for anyone to hear it...treat it like porno and keep it secret, women!

I can't make it to half time. Seriously. Even the commercials are boring.

That's all. Go, Cristiano Ronaldo, the only name my American senses recognize, and that's only because I paid attention to Sports Illustrated. If only football linemen celebrated by taking off their shirts...or stewardesses...or cab drivers. Found this wallpaper online. It is fabulous.

From the Castillian Blog

2008-05-20T10:35:00.002-04:00

My personal favorite that wasn't included: "she's gone from suck to blow." For those of you unversed in the Mel Brooks oeuvre, that's not Star Wars...

http://www.dayofthejedi.com/articles/2008/04/top_10_sexually_suggestive.html

"Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!"

Game 7, Spurs at Hornets

2008-05-19T21:31:00.003-04:00

OK, so, I'm gonna write thoughts about the game as it goes along, much like that sports guy on ESPN, except half as funny but twice as in touch with the non-Boston world.

9:33pm The NBA Cares just came on...there's 2:44 left in the second. Peja just hit a three, and Tony Parker just missed a free throw. How can you not hit a free throw? The audience looks like they've got a semi-white out condition. I hate white outs. Look at it to the left from this picture I found online. Kind of an eye sore.

9:35pm Is it just me or does this telecast really grate on the ears? Reggie Miller still has that annoying squeaky quality that makes me want to head butt a toddler. I hate the damned "Day-yo" chant on the New Orleans PA. I keep waiting to hear the "day-yo-oh-oh"...and never mind the all important daylight coming and me wanna go home. What the hell does the Day-O song have to do with Hornets and/or New Orleans?

9:38pm Oh, earlier, when I was just watching, there was a popcorn spill delay, which may be the stupidest delay in the history of the NBA since the spilled Spike Lee tears incident of 2002.

9:39pm Halftime interview with Manu...it is so endearing how he keeps ending his sentences with the word "Principessa."

9:44pm Barkley just lost 30 grand on a who's gonna mess up first verbally to Kenny Smith. Enunciation is so hard for the round mound of soundbites.

9:53pm This just in, Charles Barkley is proud of Jon Lester's no-hitter. Great line..."It should count as half a no hitter because its the Kansas City Royals"...thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, Barkley's here all night!

9:54pm I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to superimpose Manu Ginobili's head on a picture "Life Is Beautiful." I don't know dick about Photoshop...so, here's a mysterious Manu head! Look at it, I can't even erase cleanly.

9:56pm What the crap is the music coming off of this break? It's the NBA...you should play a country-fied Bon Jovi-esque song? Where's the Lil' Bow Wow (and he dates himself by adding the Lil')?

9:57pm I wonder who's aged worse: Tim Duncan or David Robinson? Was Robinson also so slow and old? Maybe Duncan just looks slow, because he facial looks like a turtle.

10:02pm Connie Hawkins watch...shades of the Hawk! Reggie and Marvelous are speaking fondly of Connie Hawkins...segued into a House of Paine advert. These guys are pros. I love this game!

10:04pm There's just a sense of inevitability with the Spurs, and the Hornets seem to just know that they're meant to lose. Even the crowd looks forlorn. It's funny how each of the game 7s from the Celtics game and the Lakers game have been a bit anti-climactic, eh? So it seems with this game.

10:08pm Tim Duncan just spent 17 minutes in the paint, dribbling, dribbling, dribbling...and missing. ... Usually I change the channels during commercials, but since I don't want to miss a Barkley-ism, I can't, and then I get the Yao Ming Red Cross ad. Nice to support the earthquake victims, but Yao Ming's gravatis voice sounds bored...he looks like Mike Myers when he was partnered with a mad as hell Kanye West during the Katrina telethon. How prophetic was Kanye's rant? George Bush does hate black people, and how quickly we forgot New Orleans. Wow, that got heavy, back to the game.

10:13pm David West is officially cold. I wish NBA telecasts could somehow magically transform the visual style to the NBA Jams style. I'd like to see 1040 degree slams on each possession. Timmy just got his fourth foul and is making his angry terrapin face. 10 point Spurs lead. DMX is on the PA...promptly making David West lose his mind up in here, offensive foul.

10:23pm The key to the Spurs victory tonight is the double team that the Spurs are implementing on Chris Paul. Great team D by the Spurs.

10:26pm 15 point lead at the end of the third. I'm viewing the Mike Myers Kanye West SNL skit and messing around with FaceBook. Yup, I'm bored with the game.

10:29pm Hancock preview...looks good, but in a bad sense. I don't know, it could be Wild Wild West suckage which ends up being a bit interesting, or it could be cool but ultimately forgetable. If I hear that Zune commercial song one...more...time...I will eat a stick of butter.

10:30pm Byron Scott with half of his voice destroyed from yelling sounds really similar to Reggie Miller.

10:34pm Jannero...Pargo... is taking over the game!

10:36pm Could the Mini Cooper commercial where the Mini is the flipper of the pinball game could be the stupidest commercial from Europe, which puts it in the running for stupid commercial in the world.

10:39pm Airball from Tim Duncan. Is there anything that brings me such glee as a star basketball player shooting an airball? I remember one of the best was when MJ shot a brilliant looking turnaround in the fourth quarter in a game against the Lakers...a shot that when it went up, I thought it was the end of the Lakers existence due to the pure beauty of MJ's athleticism...and it was an air ball. I remember clapping, jumping up, with a shout of laugh. Yes, a visceral reaction from an airball.

10:41pm Manu should rent out commercial sponsorship to his bald spot...maybe he should paint his bald spot (one of the funniest phone calls to Larry King...my hair grows).

10:48pm Jannero...Pargo...is still shooting?

10:58pm Pargo just beat Bruce Bowen on a jump ball. Pargo is the new Deshawn Stevenson. Pargo hits the three...3 point game.

11:02pm Live by the Pargo, die by the Pargo. Game over.

That is all...

Walk of Shame

2008-05-19T20:34:00.003-04:00

There's a new advert on the TV currently for AMP Energy drink entitled "Walk of No Shame" that may be proof that pop culture is ruled by frat boys. Basically, the ad has various people singing about hooking up, walking home in last night's clothing and powering through the day with the help of a sugary caffeine beverage. All well and good, except why is this an acceptable commercial subject when our broadcast rules won't let movie dialogue contain "God Damn" or show a nipple?

The walk of shame has lost much of the negative connotation...just the fact that there's a commercial on network TV about it proves how the subject is not edgy. Additionally, in our modern, sexually "progressive" (arguable, since we Americans approach sex like we do alcohol consumption...bingingly, almost unnaturally) the morning after strut isn't a bad thing: "What is so damn wrong with getting your freak on and waiting until morning to venture back home?"

So, why is this topic being mined for humor? Two possible reasons...the first of which may be that we've forgotten what's funny in commercials. Since the 90's, advertising agencies have been aggressively pushing funny commercial ideas. It is rare, excluding car commercials, to see a non-humorous commercial that pushes either madcap or absurd premises. Take, for instance, the ridiculous Bud Light "Now Comes With" superpow ers commercials to see how nonsensical commercials can be in the pursuit of the desired laugh.

Second, and more serious in my opinion, is that there are too many frat boys running amok out there on Madison Avenue. What? That seems like a logical jump, but bear with me: Fraternities, in general, are populated with young men who go on to many successful careers. These men are also part of an establishment that is overwhelming misogynistic and sexist. Before you frat boys flood me with angry entreaties that they are service organizations, let's get to the point...you're guys, you love sex, and you love alcohol. Much of the humor that comes from the frat mindset (and you don't have to be a frat brother to have the frat mindset) originate from their love of sex and alcohol. Out of this boozy cauldron of tits, testosterone and irresponsibility comes the Walk of Shame joke. Now, the frat boys grow up, graduate, marry, and get a great job as an ad exec at BBDO in New York, and your client wants to reach college kids with another Red Bull rip-off. What do you do? You naturally pitch what you know.

This is dangerous people. Society is already stupid (see the popularity of Tela Tequila or Flavor Flav as irrefutable proof)...do we need frat boys ruling our airwaves? What's next: Kebler Elves sell the ookie-cookie? American Apparel line designed to appeal to beer pong players?

I remember doing the walks where the sun feels just a little too bright and your clothes feel incredibly inappropriate...doesn't make me want to drink an AMP. You fail, frat boy, I'm sure you'll try again.

Separating the Arguments: Gay Marriage

2008-05-16T10:38:00.003-04:00

So, I'm working on a rather bulky essay on gay marriage and civil rights and I wanted to write a quick blog position piece on the gay marriage issue.

As you may know, the California State Supreme Court basically legalized gay marriage in California. The turn of events has been met with the cheers of civil rights activists and the outrage of Christians. There is now more vocal calls for constitutional amendments that define marriage.

From my understanding, there are three groups: 1/3 of us think that gays have the right to get married, 1/3 don't think gays should be allowed to get married, and 1/3 believe that gays have the right for partnership but not marriage. Unfortunately, the issue isn't as simple as a title, as marriage carries with it many different federal rights and legal protections that aren't available in limited partnerships or civil unions.

In fact, many scholars have pushed forth the arguments that preventing gay marriage sound eerily familiar with arguments against interracial marriages.

http://hnn.us/articles/4708.html
http://www.vtfreetomarry.org/pfds/Arguments_Against_Interracial_Marriage_and_Equal_Marriage.pdf
http://academic.udayton.edu/race/04needs/s98alouis.htm

In this small sampling of articles, you can see that the primary objections have not changed and that the root cause of the objections is that there is a moral opposition to gay/interracial unions.

I think that there needs to be a distinction made by Americans between denying a person's "rightness" versus denying a person's rights. Morally, we may be opposed to some one's opinions or lifestyle (for instance, having a problem with a promiscuous lifestyle, or having a problem with someone who believes blacks are better than whites) but that does not mean society has the right to restrict someone from their civil rights. You cannot beat, maim, or kill anyone who you have a serious disagreement with. Additionally, you do not have the right to remove someone from their house over a philosophical issue, or to fire someone because of a racial distinction.

By placing marriage in the domain of a protected civil right, the California court system now has established that marriage is not something that can be denied to individuals. Good. Now, we can focus the debate on the morality of an issue rather than using the illogical route of denying people inalienable rights because we disagree with them on a moral or religious issue.

Therefore, I think that we need to separate the arguments swirling around gay marriage. If you have a problem with homosexuality, then that is a moral issue that you need to deal with...however, don't seek to legislate your morality in our society by denigrating the inherent humanity of every citizen in our great country. Marriage is a social institution (no longer religious, but you can have a separate but equal religious institution of marriage, if you like) and as a society, it is illogical and immoral to prevent individuals from having equal protection under the letter of our law.

And now, I jump off the soap box for today.

What Did Chamberlain Do?

2008-05-16T06:34:00.005-04:00

This was absolutely hilarious...saw it on Morning Joe this morning...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=d1wSZBTAXRs&feature=related
The action starts at 2:15...wait for it.
This dude named Kevin James (not the obese, unfunny comedian) is stridently anti-Obama. Good on you, Mr. James. Unfortunately, don't try to smear using history when you can't answer the question...I love hearing "I Don't Know" at the end of this ridiculous debate.

Seriously, repeat What Did He Do all day...and I'll just say energize and legitamize. It's the latest craze!

Here's the Drudge Report Link and another link to a message board:

http://www.drudge.com/news/107830/did-chamberlain-do

http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-134560.0.html

Sports Update

2008-05-16T05:50:00.002-04:00

The UEFA Cup Championship is between Manchester United and Chelsea. I just saw a preview for it on the "telly" watching Sportscenter. I wish I had some crisps and a nice cuppa.

What is the ratings expectation for that soccer match in the US? Can it be beaten by a regular season NBA telecast? Could it be beaten by the attendance at a Florida Marlins home game?
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Is the alley-oop really the most exciting play in basketball? What's more exciting, a three pointer or a slam dunk? Could you objectively list the relative "best play" between different sports? Take away personal fandom (personally, I could give a flying mullet about hockey), but there seems to be an extra athleticism involved in an acrobatic catch in the outfield of a baseball game compared a lucky shot from half court or (YAWN) an alley oop. The Chris Paul to Tyson Chandler alley oop, which has happened in every single Spurs Hornets game this round of the interminable NBA playoff season, is great, but is it really a top play if it is a routine play?
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Does a team deserve a second look because of player composition? Explaining...I hate the Boston Celtics. I hated the Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, Robert Parish era of Celtic Nation during the epic Lakers rivalry years. I just hated the smugness of the players and the ridiculous loutishness of Celtic fans. You can see the same kind of fandom in current Patriots fans. I can't extend that hatred to Red Sox fans because they were extremely long suffering (I love you too, Cubs fans). However, the current Celtics aren't Celtics, really. KG and Jesus Shuttleworth are from somewhere else. So's Cassell, who'll always be a T-wolf to me. Paul Pierce got so much crap from Celtic fans that I really root for him, just because I want to hear C's fans extol the virtue of Pierce after bashing him during those Antoine Walker duo years.

Come on, the Celtics coach is Doc Rivers, who will always be remembered by me as an Atlanta Hawk, which has repercussions of failure and general suckiness that extend far beyond one's playing days. Other than Hank Aaron, has any retired Atlanta sports star done well in the public eye? Where have you gone, Dale Murphy? Why do you still sound like an idiot, Prime Time? 'Nique ain't nothing now, is he?

Win or lose, these Celtics aren't home grown C's...or home loved C's. They're a collection of people who I think are emblems of other towns. Like the Yankees of the 2000's, these Celts aren't locked to the region. They're just a super group, like Damn Yankees, and that's it.
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Who was better, Luc Longley or Kurt Rambis?
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I'm sorry for not posting any images, but I don't feel like scrolling using the Blogger tool. Why not allow for cut paste options. Hold on, let's try:

Nope, doesn't work.

That's enough, later.

Vindication

2008-05-14T11:08:00.003-04:00

This is the first time that I've had to say thanks to a major company, but LiveNation, the promoter of the Radiohead debacle at the Nissan Pavillion, is going to give us tickets to the Radiohead show in August. Awesome. It is in Camden. Bummer.

Greetings from beautiful Camden, New Jersey.

Radiohead, Sunday, Rain

2008-05-13T15:19:00.003-04:00

Radiohead - One of the best bands to see live, mostly because I love their music. When I say love, I don't mean it in the normal hyperbole that we utilize in our modern vocabularies. I mean it in the all-consuming, having to own every single Maxi single and a hard drive filled with concert mp3s, type of love that some of us crazies have about pop culture icons. Radiohead to me is the Pearl Jam of my pal Mikey (who owns thousands of dollars worth of CDs that have not been opened from the factory sealed plastic wrap, and a duplicate set opened and aurally enjoyed) or the Wes Anderson for my friend C-Low (who owns something like 20 copies of Royal Tenenbaums, each different releases for different countries). It isn't hyperbole that I was absolutely excited to be seeing Radiohead again.

Nissan Pavillion - The location of the concert Sunday. Located at 7800 Cellar Door Dr in Bristow, Virginia. Out in the boonies of Northern Virginia. Right next to the Manassas Battlefield. Only accessible by driving on Lee Highway (a four lane, no streetlight nightmare) or I-66 (a boring old 8 lane highway.). I'm assuming that under normal conditions, Nissan Pavillion isn't hell.

Time - The doors will open at 7:30pm with an opening set by the Liars. That means Radiohead will probably be on at 9pm, right? OK, we'll depart at 5pm from Baltimore. That's two and a half hours to drive less than 100 miles. I'm assuming that we will miss the Liars set, get at the Pavillion to soak in the storm water and eat some crappy venue food. We're on the road, and immediately I can tell that this is going to be bad.

Storm Traffic, part one, rant one - Why is it that when there is any sort of precipitation, people the world around transform into two types of lesser living beings. The first type, the most prevalent, is the drive that believes that driving has become infinitely harder and will go twenty to thirty miles below the posted speed, in the LEFT LANES, and goddamn everyone else behind. In a town that has eight lane highways, that means that there are plenty of right side, slower traffic lanes that the scared may travel upon. Of course, they are competing for stupidity points with the second type, the I don't give a rat's ass that I'm decreasing visibility for everyone else behind me, I'm going to go as fast as I can while driving a SEMI-TRUCK. Yo, our wonderful transportators of fruit and tires, I know you guys have a hard job sitting in your cab, jerking off to VHS tapes or listening to George Jones, but remember, your vehicles kill a lot of us little people. Oh, and SUV people, same goes for you.

All sanity left the drivers to I-95 North at 5:30pm, who decided that the 495 west intersection was really, really difficult in the rain and so decided to go bumper to bumper at least 10-15 miles away from the junction. Was it an accident? No, it was just the general, run of the mill stupidity that is the capital beltway. Once on 495, it was the same, stupid slow down at ANY on-ramp or exit ramp, because merging becomes the most taxing event for some of these people.

My guess, maybe they were all celebrating their mothers and decided act infantile. On the road, we saw every form of inconsiderate driving, primarily the bastards who would take the passing lane just to move up to the front of the line of cars waiting for an exit. You do realize that you, YOU, are the reason for the slow down? The line of cars waiting would move at a normal fashion if it weren't for you complete and utter assholes. This is the reason why systematic road rage ought to be allowed, because if the state is not going to weed away the bad drivers by blocking them access to multiple ton, motorized killing machines, then natural selection needs to be instituted! Mad Max, people!

A Stop for Gas - OK, so we finally got on I-66, leaving us only a twenty mile drive to get to the concert...and it is 7:30pm. We'll make it to the show to see Radiohead. Let's get some gas.

At the station, downpour, a pick-up truck parks at the pump and disgorges three good ol' boys. Two head into the store to get their Mountain Dews while one guy who comes of our central casting for redneck stands and pumps. That isn't fair...stereotyping just because he's covered in denim and he's got a beard of red and he's got the ponytail sticking out from under the camoflauge hat and the hearty, Cracker Barrel belly...I mean he could be Mario Batali. Then, as I'm watching, he heads into the rain to go to the rear of his truck. There's a flag attached to the rear bumper and as he lovingly stretches out the soaked rag to reveal the stars and bars. Ahh, the confederate flag.

I hope he got home safely that night. I hope he's home with this home-made wine and his shotgun and his 45. I hope his toothless girlfriend/common law wife was too tired to make tender (...love? chicken tenders?) because she was scampering around chasing after their brood of Sam's Choice fed bastards. I hope he got to lay his head down and thank his caucasian god, all the great things in his life, like Bar-B-Que flavored Skoal or Pimp My Truck, when the roof collapsed on his trailer. Maybe I'll get to read a newspaper story about the death of him and his kind. Just maybe.

I digress...it was a pretty confederate flag.

Storm Traffic, Part Two - The next part of our journey was the saddest part of the journey. Until 11pm or so, three hours, we basically circled the area near the concert venue. Due to a confluence of road work, flooding, poor lighting, bad directions, blown over detour signs, uncommunicative damp police officers, angry fellow drivers, and general bad luck, we were stuck circling Jericho for hours. It was maddening. Tobes, my pal, and I played a game for hours to keep me from recreating Falling Down.

The Game - A fun game, involving movie information in a tennis volley type of system. One person serves by naming an actor. The opponent must name a movie that actor was in and then name a co-star from the movie. Back and forth until one is stumped.

Player 1: Harvey Keitel
Player 2: Pulp Fiction, Samuel L. Jackson
Player 1: The Incredibles, Craig T. Nelson

Let's say Player 2 is stumped on Craig T Nelson, then Player 1 must PROVE IT. If Player one says Blades of Glory, Will Ferrell, then player one wins. If Player One cannot prove it, then they serve and no point is awarded.

Fun game for movie buffs...but for five hours? Who does that? Tobes and I do that.

Storm Traffic, part three - By the time we get to Nissan Pavillion, around 11pm, we are told to turn around and go home. The parking lot is flooded and we cannot go to the show. Never mind that there were other spaces that we could have parked at and walked to the gates. They wouldn't allow that, mostly because the venue is in the blighted boonies and have no paved sidewalks. I'm sure there were liability issues that LiveNation (the promoter) wasn't able to write up to have their asses covered, since they were able to worm out of any sort of care or concern by emblazening their tickets with RAIN OR SHINE; if they could have gotten away with "Not responsible for injury resulting from walking to the show since all parking lots are water logged and we have no backup plan to transport fans who paid money to see a show only to cruise around the show's venue without being allowed to leave their car to actually see a f-ing show" they would have.

So, we were told by cops to go home. By the way, thank you, Mr policeman, who signaled, order, harassed me to hurriedly turn left into a one-lane area that almost had two cars slam into me. That precisely the type of coordination that's needed during storm situations...three cops telling three different cars to GO ALREADY into one tight lane. Potential accident averted because I got scared and crawled through the intersection.

The Journey Home - We got home at 1:30am. That's right, an eight hour + journey to Bristow Virginia to see nothing, hear nothing.

Sidenote, The Double T Diner on Highway 40 - Gyros are not supposed to taste so Spam-my.

The Kick in the Pants - Radiohead played a great, 24 song set. People who attended attest that the event sucked from a doused standpoint, but the set, songs, and performance were great. Colin wrote on Dead Air Space (the official Radiohead website):

To everyone who made it, and put up with the torrents on the lawn, and came early to catch the Liars and our show, thank you so much for braving the deluge. I hope you heard what you came for, the music and lights diverting you from the wet. We got out of there around three am, and the pic shows Jonny waiting in the loading bay whilst the water streams across the tarmac. We've had floods at Bull Creek, lightning at the RFK stadium, so there must be some kind of Biblical fix between us and DC. Frogs next time?

That doesn't make me feel good. No mention of the ones who were stuck outside, in their cars, not in the rain. Well, now here's this today:

Due to Sunday night's torrential rain storm and consequential multiple road closures, many fans were unable to reach the Nissan Pavilion. While acknowledging a lack of control over the ensuing flooding and detours, the members of Radiohead are nevertheless disappointed regarding this turn of events. For further inquiries, ticketholders who didn't get in are urged to contact: customerservice@nissanpavilion.com

I've contacted, folks...and I'll keep you updated.

THE END

This is awesome

2008-05-09T15:32:00.002-04:00

It's the Weekend, the weekend

2008-05-09T14:07:00.002-04:00

We've got a big'un this weekend. Up first, a social get together in Federal Hill (plus some baking). Saturday, the wedding phenomenon of the summer for my buddy JK and his Dr. Mel. They're having it at the American Visionary Art Museum, which promises to be a unique experience. Sunday, RADIOHEAD!!! Saw them several years back and Thom plus crew put on a great show.

If you are in the area, come on by Saturday and Sunday to 2940 Guilford Ave from 10am - 4pm for ELV and co. GREAT BIG LOAD OF MOVING STUFF sale. I've donated some items (two printers without cables, a semi functional microwave, a Gorilla practice amp, some PS2 games, etc etc etc) and we'll be on-site at least for the mornings.

Speed Typer

2008-05-07T21:28:00.002-04:00

So, StandardChuck readers (I can't believe there are any of you left after I abandoned this page) here's an amusing story to tide you over. Well, not a story as much a tidbit. Well, something tidbit-ish...

I missed a movie (Iron Man, specifically) because I stepped in dog crap.

Yeah, that's right, I just Tarantino'd ya'll by telling you the ending. I guess I could go more esoteric on you by simply recreating a voicemail that I left on my pal Tobe's cell phone ("I'm at the theatre, there are two showings, I don't know which one you guys are in, but it doesn't matter, because I stepped in crap. The crap smells like vomit. I'm going home.")

Back it up. First scene, calling Tobes because we're both movie nerds. Sure, he could watch any drivel with things exploding (i.e. those FiOS commercials with Michael Bay..."awesome grill.") and not have one major critical problem, but still, who better to watch a movie with than someone who actually loves watching them...as opposed to those who go for the popcorn (e.g. me) or those who go to snog, or mack, or schtuck, according to the parlance of our times.

Anyway, we're going to go see the movie...at 9:20pm. Great, enough time for the ELV and I to get some dinner at my place. We're cooking...then eating...when we get a call at 8:40 that the movie is actually at 9:10. Crap-hole, that's what I get for thinking I can make a 30 minute drive in a 35 minute window. Anyway, we run out to the car and make our way up to White Marsh.

As we drive, ELV keeps sniffing around like she's got a beat on some brie. Sorry, baby, not implying that you are mouse-like...more an admission that I love brie and have the cheese on the brain. Anyway, she keeps asking variations of "do you smell vomit?" I reply that I don't, mostly because I've got the impacted nostrils of allergy fun. Well sniff away my bride-to-be does, and finally she uncovers (after we turn the car's vent system to the feet areas) that I must have stepped in something.

We get out of the car in the movie theatre parking lot, and lo and behold, I've got some gooey organic mass on the bottom of my...gulp...right sandal.

That's right, crappy crap. Tried rubbing it out on the grass, no luck. It is like some messed up crap epoxy that Elmers decided to test out on my tooties. Maybe it came from a dog who had some rotten chewing gum stuck in it inside butt (a great new referential name for your internal gastrointestinal track...inside butt...thanks, ELV).

Anyway, that vomit smelling crap inspired me to miss a movie that I actually wanted to see.

So, cut to interior of Barnes and Nobles. I walk into the men's room. Enter stall with paper towels, intending on scrapping it off. As soon as the paper disturbs the crap, a wave of vomit ass strikes me in the nostril, at which point I gag like (insert fellatio job).

Right, sucks.

I walk out of the stall, looking ill. Guy walks into the bathroom. As I approach, I realize that I've got some of the crap on my finger. Another gag while making eye contact with the just-walked-in guy.

So, what would you do if you saw an asian dude walking and looking at you, gagging?

Yup, he walked out of there...post-haste.

And, that, my friends, was a Friday night in Chuck land.

3 Months...

2008-03-17T01:03:00.001-04:00

I'm sorry Standardchuck...I've thought about posting so many times. I even envisioned a complete overhaul, with a nifty new banner and improved user interfaces...but instead, I just thought with guilt that there's nothing to write about. Well, here's some news.

The lady ELV and I got engaged today. We're gonna get married.

More news later. Hopefully more posts someday too.

Love, SC

The Death (or Dearth) of Writing

2008-01-09T09:21:00.000-05:00

So, last night, lying on my couch drifting to sleep, I came to a most important conclusion: I am not a writer. In the midst of planning out the new StandardChuck, a new shiny blog filled with ample content that would repeat weekly like "Me Mondays" or "Science Fridays" (sorry for the potential plagerization, Ira Flatow), I began to realize something that caused alarm...just thinking about writing something consistantly, week after week, month after month, filled me with malaise...I was dreading the writing even before I had started the first one! There's laziness and then there is bone-lazy, sad-sacked, molasses thick, rim-rattling idleness.

Here's my new maxim: I will write when I write and never shall I be known as a goodish-like writer, and what-not.

Shame on the Golf Channel

2008-01-08T20:17:00.000-05:00

http://msn.foxsports.com/golf/story/7651694

Picture of the Day (from the Grand Canyon)

2008-01-03T18:23:00.000-05:00

From Kissing Suzy Kolber

2008-01-02T15:49:00.000-05:00

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/12/you-can.html

You fools! Do you really think the next guy you hire will have the insanely huge ego to deal with those assholes in the locker room? Only the Bri has the brains, and the hair, to make that happen! Idiots! Only I know the secret to preventing Lewis from killing again. And there's no way I'm telling you now! That's your punishment for thinking you could go behind my back, or in front of my back, and fire me!You know naught what you hath wrought, Ravens. I hope you like wearing chain mail.

Top 10 Memorable Quotes of 2007

2007-12-19T13:39:00.000-05:00

From the Reuters article (link http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071219/us_nm/usa_quotes_dc)

1. "Don't Tase Me, Bro" - Andrew Meyer

2. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us." - Lauren Upton

3. "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country." - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

4. "That's some nappy-headed hos there" - Don Imus

5. "I don't recall." -- Alberto Gonzales

6. "There's only three things he (Republican presidential candidate and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani) mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11." -- Sen. Joseph Biden.

7. "I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody (Vice President Dick Cheney) who has a 9 percent approval rating." -- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Democrat.

8. "(I have) a wide stance when going to the bathroom." -- Idaho Republican Sen. Larry Craig's explanation of why his foot touched that of an undercover policeman in a men's room.

9. "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." -- Biden describing rival Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

10. "I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history." -- Former President Jimmy Carter in an interview in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette newspaper.

Remember Me by Lizzie Palmer

2007-12-15T13:03:00.000-05:00

Foreword: I am not anti-soldier just anti-useless War. Additionally, I am hypersensitive to race.

One of the all time popular videos on YouTube is entitled Remember Me and works to make viewers identify with images of US soldiers (pictures of soldiers with one word titles like "Husband" or "Sister" etc).

Here's my issue...why are all the pictures asking us to identify with soldiers images of white/caucasian people? The only African-Americans on the video is an image of a grieving black family and one image of a black soldier in color guard. I find it disturbing that Ms. Palmer shows many different family member/loved one images of white people but doesn't deign to realize that there is a high percentage of other races serving in the military.

View it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ervaMPt4Ha0

The Complete Mitchell Report (PDF)

2007-12-13T15:27:00.001-05:00

http://files.mlb.com/mitchrpt.pdf

Reaction to the leaked Steroid names

2007-12-13T12:41:00.001-05:00

The biggest names (stats from Baseball-Statistics):

Roger Clemens - what can you say about Clemens that hasn't already been dissected...the name most non-baseball fans will recognize.
Albert Pujols - one of the superstars in the National League, Pujols had a "down" year batting .327, 32HR, 103RBI. In his seven seasons, all with the Cardinals, he's averaging .332, 42HR, 132RBI. An All-Star 6 of his seven years, he's a beloved player...a huge blow to MLB.
Jeff Bagwell - formed a long-standing triumvirate of Astros position players with Craig Biggio and Lance Berkman, Bagwell was a four-time All-Star and MVP in 1994.
Ivan Rodriguez - known as "pudge," one of the best catchers of all time. A former AL-MVP and a 14 time All-Star.

Here's the names who are also on the Writer's Ballot for the Hall of Fame

Brady Anderson
Mark McGuire

This is truly a sad day for baseball that all fans have been expecting.

Leaked Mitchell Report Analysis

2007-12-13T12:37:00.001-05:00

According to WNBC, here are the names that will be released on the Mitchell Report of the players, past and present, who have used performance enhancers (these names have been disputed by MLB):

Brady Anderson
Manny Alexander
Rick Ankiel
Jeff Bagwell
Barry Bonds
Aaron Boone
Rafael Bettancourt
Bret Boone
Milton Bradley
David Bell
Dante Bichette
Albert Belle
Paul Byrd
Wil Cordero
Ken Caminiti
Mike Cameron
Ramon Castro
Jose Canseco
Ozzie Canseco
Roger Clemens
Paxton Crawford
Wilson Delgado
Lenny Dykstra
Johnny Damon
Carl Everett
Kyle Farnsworth
Ryan Franklin
Troy Glaus
Rich Garces
Jason Grimsley
Juan Gonzalez
Eric Gagne
Nomar Garciaparra
Jason Giambi
Jeremy Giambi
Jose Guillen
Jay Gibbons
Juan Gonzalez
Clay Hensley
Jerry Hairston
Felix Heredia, Jr.
Darren Holmes
Wally Joyner
Darryl Kile
Matt Lawton
Raul Mondesi
Mark McGwire
Guillermo Mota
Robert Machado
Damian Moss
Abraham Nunez
Trot Nixon
Jose Offerman
Andy Pettitte
Mark Prior
Neifi Perez
Rafael Palmiero
Albert Pujols
Brian Roberts
Juan Rincon
John Rocker
Pudge Rodriguez
Sammy Sosa
Scott Schoenweiis
David Segui
Alex Sanchez
Gary Sheffield
Miguel Tejada
Julian Tavarez
Fernando Tatis
Maurice Vaughn
Jason Varitek
Ismael Valdez
Matt Williams
Kerry Wood

Source: http://www.wnbc.com/sports/14845845/detail.html

Wow...I'm the Flyswatters

2007-12-10T14:30:00.001-05:00

Guess who's back!!

2007-12-10T13:09:00.001-05:00

Wow, I've suddenly regained access to blogger from my work computer. Hello, wasting time!

Quick thought...read Peter King's article for this week's football action. Here's the most interesting part for me...the Ravens will have exactly 5 million in cap room in the coming offseason. They have the 2nd worst cap space in the NFL. That's very very bad news.

Here's what's up: my parents will be in the US and A on the 13th for a very extended stay...some might say an immigration, but since they are naturalized citizens, how about we just say they're moving back for good. How am I taking this news? First off, I'm nervous, getting the house cleaned up (well...worrying about getting un-lazy enough to clean the house). Second, I've got to figure out how they'll meet lady ELV. Also, need to inform them that my new roomie is going to be of the female persuasion (and not the virtuous ELV). Finally, got to plan how we're going to get to Arizona for Christmas (last I heard, we'll be driving to Phoenix, which sounds about as fun as nothing).

Other news, work is great. Enjoying it.

Writing is non-existent, other than brilliant screenplays that I compose in my head right before I fall asleep.

Um...that's all for now.

What's going on?

2007-12-03T23:39:00.001-05:00

Marriage stuff?

Parents coming back to the US?

Roomie stuff?

Ravens lose to the Pats?

Sucks

Best of 2007 (from noculture.org)

2007-12-02T13:51:00.001-05:00

First of all, let's not address the fact that Mr. Kid W is pronouncing 2007 over with an entire month left on the calendar year. Second, let us all boo ol' Kid-dubyu on including a 2005 album to his list. Finally, don't even get me started on the whole applauding the re-appearance of "blue-eyed Motown." Have you heard "Toxic" by Mark Ronson or anything by the Pipettes? I don't care that lady ELV liked rocking out to "Rehab," I still think that I'd much rather listen to actual Motown than some Brit remakes.

Now that I've cleared away some of my objections, I'm going to ape on Kid's idea and offer my own subjective itemization of musical output from the year 2007. Sure, I spent much time listening to "Aladdin Sane" by David Bowie this year, but I'm not so self-involved to think that it merits a listing on the top 2007 albums. Man, not having access to my personal blog at work makes me mean…especially to Kid W. Sorry, I promise my next insult will be directed at kim e.

Um...that kim e is crappier than Zeitgeist.

First off, the one-off awards:

Worst album of the year that had some critical acclaim and a lot of legal purchases by the American public: Kanye West's "Graduation." I've been a fan of Mr. West since the first album dropped…hell, I can even say that I'm an appreciator of many of his beats that he did before he was the Louis Vuitton don. However, I'm pretty saddened by the lack of lyrical prowess coming from Mr. West since his first album. Sure, he's good at puns and ribald humor, but the main thing that wow'ed me about "College Dropout" was the interplay of rap's vain machismo and West's morality. There was a serious thread of moral intrigue in his rhymes, but unfortunately, West's writing has become focused on money, rims, and hoes. "Graduation" features some decent tracks, but seriously, who can't sell a single using Daft Punk's awful "Bigger, Stronger…" beat.

Person most likely to die in 2008: Amy Winehouse. Seriously, have you watched the YouTube video of her snorting up in the middle of a performance? She's pathetic.

Best album that I'm never going to listen to again: Black Kids "Wizard of Ahhhs." If you like fuzzy, pop-punk with a serious infatuation with the Polyphonic Spree, this is the album for you.

Best hot chick album that still supplies some form of indie cred: "Under the Black Light" by Rilo Kiley. I only like it cause Jenny Lewis is hot and has a hot voice. Same for why I like Shivaree.

ALRIGHT, ALREADY: HERE'S MY TOP SEVEN OF AUGHT-SEVEN

7. "The Reminder" by Feist – I'm very sorry that Apple decided to use 1,2,3,4 for that omnipresent commercial.
6. "Boxer" by The National – Fake Empire is an amazing song.
5. "Sky Blue Sky" by Wilco – Best show that I went to this year. First listen makes you kind of hate Jeff Tweedy and his slippery ways, but repeated listenings are rewarding. Just a warm sound that's a welcome tonic to my ears.
4. "Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga" by Spoon – This is a great album with propulsive energy. Way to follow up the tuneful inclusion on the "Stranger than Fiction" soundtrack with a seriously good album.
3. "In Rainbows" by Radiohead – This is probably the best Radiohead album since O.K. Computer. Seriously. It's pretty amazing that the guys took a step back from surreal paranoia toward reality and they don't come off sounding old/boring.
2. "From Here We Go Sublime" by The Field – I don't normally like this kind of music (see "Quiet is the New Loud") but I fell for The Field a few years ago with a single called "I'm Tired." Usually, someone uses the word "techno" and I just lose interest immediately. However, this is minimal techno, so you'll like it.
1. "Armchair Apocrypha" by Andrew Bird – I have to award the album of the year simply on the strength of "Heretics." Such an eminently listenable album…

The few that contended: Panda Bear "Person Pitch," Brother Ali "Undisputed Truth," El-P "I'll Sleep When You're Dead," Of Montreal "Oh Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?"

Here's my mix-CD for 2007, with outstanding tracks on albums not on my list (no order)

National "Fake Empire"
Spoon "You Got Yr Cherry Bomb"
Wilco "Sky Blue Sky"
The Field "Silent"
Feist "My Man, My Moon"
Radiohead "Body Snatchers"
Justice "D.A.N.C.E."
Of Montreal "A Sentence of Sorts in Kongsvinger"
Andrew Bird "Heretics"
Brother Ali "Uncle Sam God Damn"
Caribou "Melody Days"
Menomena "Wet and Rusting"
Talib Kweli "Hostile Gospel, Pt. 1"
Modest Mouse "Dashboard"
Peter Paul and Bjorn "Young Folks"

Almost a month...

2007-11-12T01:13:00.000-05:00

There are plenty of excuses (primarily, my office computer is not loading blogger, and everyone knows that I do most of my blogging while procrastinating at work) but yes, one month is way too long. Many things have occurred, primarily a great few weekend trips, one to beautiful Allentown for a corn maze and a PA high school football game, another to LL's house in Montross, VA to house-sit and to watch bald eagles flying in their natural habitat.

Here's the message of the night: Ravens brass, here's a few suggestions. Either fire Billick or hire someone to make the playcalls competently. Get rid of McNair or get him comfortable holding a clipboard for a better quarterback (and no, Boller is not the answer). Improve the line by adding some depth. Improve the secondary by cutting Samari and signing/drafting quality number 2, 3, and 4 cornerbacks. Teach Ed Reed how to be a coverage safety. Get a middle linebacker with increased sideline to sidelines speed (sorry, Ray-Ray, it is over). On offense...there's just so many problems, but if we were to recommit to the run by bolstering the line, maybe we won't have to worry about the passing game. Finally, come up with gameplans that don't embarrass the team each and every week. Seriously, the Steelers spanked the Ravens last week and this week, the inept Bengals got seven FGs. Awful. Embarassing.

Why is the new Coen brothers film "No Country for Old Men" in limited release?

Screenwriters...is there a more uninteresting strike?

Why is Steven A Smith so hated?

Why isn't Chris Berman hated?

yeah...that's it.

In the News: 10/18/07

2007-10-18T12:56:00.000-04:00

All the news that's important to me!

Stephen Colbert to Run for President: Where can I get that hat? - Stephen Colbert has announced his candidacy for president on "The Colbert Report," tossing his satirical hat into the ring of an already crowded race. Come on, keep that freedom train a-visiting to other states - Colbert said he planned to run in South Carolina, "and South Carolina alone." The state, one of the key early primaries, is also Colbert's native state. Earlier this week, South Carolina public television station ETV invited Colbert to announce his candidacy on its air.
Every Manny for Himself: It's not whether you win or lose... - "If it doesn't happen, who cares?" Ramirez said Wednesday afternoon. "There's always next year. It's not like it's the end of the world." (to note, I think this is horrible for a player to say on a team sport. Obviously, Manny's a superstar and will be back playing as long as he keeps producing, but what about those guys who won't have season after season to try to get that championship? Also, if Manny had drive, how much better would he be, rather than this laissez-faire attitude. Another reason why I love hating the Bosox. Don't get me wrong, they're still easier to root for in comparison to those damned Yankees. Wave bye bye to A-Rod. Hooray!)
Judge yanks Britney's visitation rights: She's such a role model...for rednecks - Spears engaged in "habitual, frequent and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol." At least K-Fed doesn't need court instruction to be a positive influence, right? - Both parents were ordered to remain sober around their children.
Putin warns Washington over missile shield: Apparently, he thinks we're back in time to when they were powerful - President Vladimir Putin warned the United States on Thursday that Russia could take retaliatory measures if Washington failed to take heed of its concerns over a missile defense shield in Europe. Hypocritical, a little bit - The Kremlin leader also said Russia was working on new types of nuclear weapons as part of a "grandiose" plan to boost the country's defenses. (Isn't it great that our "allies" are so friendly to the Bush-led USA? Thanks, Russia and China...who's next? Want to jump in with some threats, Canada?)
Swearing at work boosts team spirt: Another example of excellent hard scientific research - Regular swearing at work can help boost team spirit among staff, allowing them to express better their feelings as well as develop social relationships, according to a study by researchers. From a team of researchers at... - Yehuda Baruch, a professor of management at the University of East Anglia, and graduate Stuart Jenkins studied the use of profanity in the workplace and assessed its implications for managers. (University of East Anglia??? Stuart Jenkins, brother of Leroy Jenkins???)
Maine school to offer contraceptives: What else is there to do in Maine (other than hit and running Stephen King) - After an outbreak of pregnancies among middle school girls, education officials in this city have decided to allow a school health center to make birth control pills available to girls as young as 11. Because what the world needs most is more people from Kansas - A high school in Topeka, Kan., stopped providing free condoms to students Wednesday after district officials learned of the month-old program. The district has a policy against providing contraceptives.
NYC woman finds python in the toilet: I'm getting mf-ing tired of these mf-ing snakes on this mf-ing commode! - Nadege Brunacci was washing her hands in her bathroom before dawn Monday when she glanced back and saw the slithering serpent peeking out from her toilet, most of its body hidden in the pipes. Fisher-Price, making people poop safer - Brunacci says she started using her daughter's training toilet after the scare in her third-floor apartment. And when she brushes her teeth, she said, "I'm looking over my shoulder."
Man texting while driving hits train: It is a shame he survived - When Robert Gillespie looked up from his text message, he saw a freight train. EOM. ("End of message," that is, for non-texters.) Eugene police say Gillespie's car crashed into the side of the Union Pacific freight train about 2 a.m. Tuesday. Seriously, it is sad that law enforcement has to make such an obvious statement, but most of you idiots on the road need to hear this - "There are all kinds of ways to get distracted these days," said police spokeswoman Kerry Delf. "We don't recommend any of them while you're driving."
French president, wife have divorced: I'm the President of France, baby, I can get any woman I want!!! - President Nicolas Sarkozy and his elegant but enigmatic wife, Cecilia, have divorced after months of questions about their relationship, a first for France that struck a deep, personal blow to his young presidency. Why cheat? - Although previous leaders in France have had extramarital affairs, the Sarkozys are the first French presidential couple to divorce while in power. Wait...wait...he was cuckolded? - In 2005, photos of Cecilia hand-in-hand with another man on a Manhattan sidewalk were splashed across a magazine cover.
Ellen DeGeneres to stop dog pleas: have you seen this story? Talk about two bitches running a dog service; how about some heart, Mutts and Moms? - Ellen DeGeneres says she's done talking about her canine dilemma and is pleading for calm, saying on her show that the controversy surrounding an adopted dog has "gotten out of hand."
Sony announces new, cheaper PS3: Sony Corp. on Thursday cut the price of its PlayStation 3 game console in the U.S. and announced an even cheaper model that will arrive before the holiday shopping season. The top-line PlayStation model, with an 80 gigabyte hard drive, now costs $499, down from $599. That effectively eliminates the lower-end model, which has a 60-gigabyte drive and has sold for $499. A new low-end model with a 40-gigabyte drive will go on sale Nov. 2 for $399.

China: A State of Insanity

2007-10-16T15:32:00.000-04:00

First of all, let me preface this rant with an admission that I have not researched the issue as thoroughly as I would like. Second, I want to say that this post is critical of the Chinese government, not the Chinese people. Finally, I have a personal bias against the Chinese government due to incidences that resulted in the physical and psychological torture of close relatives. That being said...

Of all the misguided, ridiculous diplomatic stances (including the asinine Armenian massacre/Turkey drama), the latest from Beijing is truly stupid. The United States plan to award the Dalai Lama with the Congressional Gold Medal and China is having a snit fit. The thought in China seems to be that it is an insult to award a prestigious medal to a separatist, and has threatened to create a diplomatic iciness between China and the USA. There's so many things wrong with the Chinese government's stance that I'm going to have to break this down:

1. The USA is honoring a much revered moral authority, and is not the first institution to do so. Where was the outrage and threats to Stockholm when the Dalai Lama won the Nobel Peace Prize? The fact is that the Dalai Lama is a well respected man of peace that is beloved not only by citizens of the free world, but also by the people from whom the Dalai Lama is exiled from. This should be a reviled move by the Chinese, and the world leaders need to see this as another example of China's absolute backwardness in global political relations. We are not dealing with an equal to the First World nations, but rather a slightly relaxed terrorist regime who seeks to make a pariah of one of the most respected moral leaders living today.

2. The Chinese government continues to hold Tibet under an iron fist, thus seeking to prevent any sort of international movement to Free Tibet. By coming out and speaking against the Dalai Lama, the Chinese legitimize their brutal rule in Tibet. Why is such tyranny still allowed by a so-called favored nation? Obviously, the USA needs to improve its dealings with such an awful state.

3. Why would we listen to these baseless threats from China? Here's why China can get away with this stupid diplomatic baloney...the US has given China an enormous amount of clout by giving so much of our economic power to them. Additionally, since giving China the assignation of Most Favored Nation, and including China into most world committees, China is now a world power that the US has to keep placated. The sad truth is that China can pretty much demand ridiculous things, and the US will have concede most minor issues to China. The fact is, the USA needs China more than they need us. Thus, the White House carefully considers even the crackpot-est claims of outrage by China.

4. Let's read this quote: "We solemnly demand that the U.S. cancel the extremely wrong arrangements," said Chinese Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi in Beijing. "It seriously violates the norm of international relations and seriously wounded the feelings of the Chinese people and interfered with China's internal affairs." Rewarding a spiritual leader violates what norm? I don't believe is a norm in honorific titles and awards being presented by a government. Is there really such a practice that believes that people reviled by one's country cannot be awarded and celebrated in another? I don't understand. Additionally, of all this wrong things that the USA has perpetrated on the world (including China), honoring the Dalai Lama somehow doesn't seem to warrant the use of "extremely." It would be different if the USA decided to make an effigy of Mao and then had Yao Ming poop on it, and then awarded Yao with a US citizenship, that would be a tad extreme. Giving a medal to Da Lama ain't that serious, China.

With all the stuff that's swirling around the awful nightmare that is the Chinese government, why did we give them the Olympics? Sometimes, any and everything about this world seems corrupt and indefensible.

More Racism: In Jena's Wake

2007-10-12T12:05:00.000-04:00

With the Jena 6 controversy still being played out in the courts, including the re-imprisonment of Mychal Bell for probation violation from an earlier conviction, there has been a strange silence from the white community over the proliferation of racist attacks utilizing nooses. Even if the internet blogosphere is hyper-sensitive to any news story involving nooses after the details of the Jena 6 travesty were championed by bloggers into a national cause, there is something very wrong with black/white relations in the increase of noose activity. Consider that over the past two months, we’ve had noose related incidents at the University of Maryland, at a police station in Long Island, at the Coast Guard academy in Connecticut, and now at Columbia University in NYC, where a noose was found hanging from the door to an office of a black professor.

The alarming incidences do disprove a commonly held belief that that Deep South is more racist than the Northeast. Considering that even Ground Zero is free from the hanging of nooses, we have to come to the conclusion that racist use of hate symbols is occurring everywhere. Now, the most disturbing thing to me has not been the return of the noose as the in vogue choice of hate mongrels, but rather the dispassionate coolness of white America to the current climate of racial discord. Instead of outrage over injustice, we have instead a palatable apathy coming from white America broken only by the occasional shrill rant of racist white Americans. Instead of white America joining in the protest against unfair treatment of the Jena 6, we’re hearing a justification similar to the guest commentary posted by Jason Granger on The Current Online. Let’s visit with Mr. Granger’s thoughts and identify a few disturbing trends flowing through white America:

“To be sure, the south is still a hotbed for racial tension. It is an unfortunate aspect of that area. More so than the rest of the nation, southern states provide a haven for racists, most predominantly the Ku Klux Klan, America's own homegrown terrorists. They were terrorists before it was vogue. Oh, and they are idiots. Do not forget that.”

Using the argument that “they’re in the wrong” by pointing out that the South is apparently still firmly in the grips of Nathan Bedford Forrest’s progeny is intellectually lazy. Racism is not isolated to the South, as the disturbing trend of noose hangings in New York, Maryland, and Chicago show that other parts of the country have racial divisive white folks. These are not the acts of the KKK, these are the acts of bored idiotic kids or hate filled ignorant adults. They’re everywhere and they’re spreading.

“The six were charged with attempted murder, an over exaggeration of the situation to be sure. However, the fact remains that these six young men assaulted another human being, battering his face and leaving him hospitalized. And they were caught.”

This paragraph irks me. Preceding this paragraph, Mr. Granger writes that the white students who hung the noose should have been prosecuted, but oh well. Instead of focusing on the injustice of the original perpetrators of the hate crime and amazingly ignoring all of the violence against blacks that preceded the beating of the white student, Mr. Granger instead insists that the crimes committed by the Jena 6 were severe enough for prosecution because it was assault against another human being. Fine, but why add the statement, “and they were caught.” What does that sentence have anything to do with the Jena 6 issue? If they had been wily enough to get away with beating the kid, then we wouldn’t have this controversy? Maybe the white kids who committed crimes against the blacks were somehow less legally culpable because they were ensnared by a biased criminal justice system? I really am confused by the sentence.

“But here is the ultimate question, if six white students had assaulted and hospitalized a black student, applied the beating that Barker received, would Sharpton, Jackson and King, et al, have rallied to their defense? Would they demand the white students charges be lowered, released from jail, given special consideration due to "circumstances?" The answer, most likely, would be no.”

Here is the crux of most of the arguments against the Jena 6 controversy: if a black kid had been beaten by white kids, would there be a controversy? The answer is absolutely correct…no. The reason, though, is not because of injustice but rather because of a historic fact: white kids did beat up blacks without equal prosecution. Like it or not, a white kid has a historical advantage when it comes to racially motivated attacks. Recent reviews of conviction numbers in America shows that blacks have increased jail time and increased convictions resulting in the death penalty compared to whites with comparable convictions in all cases excluding fraud.

Regardless of the historical connection between preferential treatment for whites by the judicial system, there are a number of other arguments I have against the reverse situation. First, there is a fundamental flaw with the situation leading to the assault on the white student. The town of Jena did not prosecute the white kids who left the noose in the tree. This is not surprising from a township that is overwhelmingly racist, as David Duke gleefully notes. The good white people (who disingenuously claim that they are not racist) had no outrage over a simple 3 day suspension from school for the white kids who hung the nooses. They had no ire toward the white kid who pulled a shotgun on black students before the Jena 6 incident. They didn’t bat an eye until the racism brewing on the surface exploded onto the national scene. Conversely, would there have been a similar silence if three black teenagers decided to hang a banner that said “Kill Whites” from the same tree? Would there have been no prosecution if a black kid pulled a gun on some white students? Would there have been a long lag in furor if a black kid had been beaten by white students or would have the good people of Jena cried out that the punishment was too severe for the crime? One cannot simply turn a blind eye to the events leading up to the Jena 6 controversy.

Second, there is a truthful perception that Rev. Al Sharpton and other black leaders are biased in their leadership for many racially controversial situations. There is some serious truth to this argument. I have found myself distrustful of some of the black leaders in this day and age of political corruption. I find it distasteful for Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to jump on any situation and exacerbating a tense conflict with such a broad, non-tactful approach (the Duke lacrosse players case was especially egregious). However, you can’t expect them to lead a march against black people. That’s just a illogical argument based in absurdity. When, if ever, would you find a case where Dr. Martin Luther King or Malcolm X would cry against a black person? Why would they waste their times when there are so many other issues for them to tackle? The sad fact is that more hate crimes are committed against blacks by whites versus the other way around. There are so many race related issues out there that black leaders would not spend the time defending black criminals. Conversely, I don’t see any major white leaders out there marching for the Jena 6.

Third, the protest against the Jena 6 has been mostly a grassroots operation that Sharpton et al jumped onto after most of the groundwork had been performed. The key to the rise in the national attention has been the work of college students who carried the story through the internet to media outposts who, at first, ignored the story. The new generation of news savvy individuals with internet access is at the forefront with this story. I’m sure the counterpoint is true, as a simple perusal of white power websites like Stormfront shows a large percentage of young racists at the front of the attack. Even looking at the ignorance that’s daily spewed on Yahoo! Answers shows that racism isn’t being battled at the big, grand media scale anymore, it’s the one-on-one fights between web-connected individuals where the real action is.

The truth of the matter is that the argument posted by Mr. Granger is fundamentally flawed because of the limited viewpoint. He continues:

“Why does a double standard exist? For so long, we have heard that minorities want to be treated equally. Does that not extend to racism or crimes?”

Equality is such a double edged sword. The fight for equality, from a white perception, ended with the passage of the Civil Rights Act and the end of Jim Crow. Unfortunately, black Americans have not and will not be treated equally in this country until arguments like Mr. Granger’s are no longer pervasive in White America. Equality has not been bestowed to blacks by penitent, benevolent whites; rather it was stripped away, rusted and worn away from reluctant politicians through the increasing discontented blacks tired of their second class citizenship. The equality won has never been equal: starting from a point of inferior economic assets, a society destroyed by institutionalized inferior educational, societal, and cultural assets, blacks had to start running the race fifty years ago with a significant disadvantage. Simply being told, “Now, you’re equal,” does not equality make. We as a country need to realize that there is not an equality in existence. Blacks are still marginalized in our society, as are other minorities, compared to the comparable head start by white America.

Additionally, when white America finally begins to extend an equality driven viewpoint toward jurisprudence, then perhaps there will be an end to racially divisive criminal cases. Unfortunately, the Jena 6 situation is a hot bed issue not because a guilty black kid is getting his case heard by the media at large, but rather because it is indicative of the problem that whites and blacks are judged by the color of their skin.

Mr. Granger then makes a move that I’ve heard many times from my guilt-free white friends, who have intellectualized that the racism issue is something of the past:

“Recently, an editorial in the Post-Dispatch by Bernard Pitts Jr. (an excellent writer and columnist from the Miami Herald), said white people must understand that blacks in this country have 388 years of mistrust built into them. Yes, slavery is the darkest chapter of our nation's checkered past, but here is the question: is Pitts currently, or was he ever, a slave? Doubtful, as slavery was repealed 14 decades ago. This is not to make light of the plight of America's black population. To be sure, racism still exists and more than likely always will.”

How dare you…yes, Abraham Lincoln repealed slavery over a hundred years ago. So what? When were the civil rights activists facing the brutality of institutionalized racism? Was it 1850? No, it was in the lifetime of those still with us today. What has white America done for blacks since then? Consider that there is still a ghettoization among African-American communities and a system that already wants to do away with affirmative action, what do blacks have to base any level of trust toward an uncaring bureaucracy and a white population that wants to hurriedly forget the past atrocities. Remember, Mr. Granger, you live in a country that never made reparations to a people group who were enslaved due to the color of their skin. Your race never apologized for racism. They never apologized for the lynching, the murdering of their leaders, the rape of their loved ones, the destruction of their civilization, the wholesale debasement of a whole people group. Yet, you want to trivialize all of this because you’re mad at the protest in Jena? How dare you.

“Racism exists, that is true. It exists in the Jena area, and any racist, any, should be ashamed of the self and their foolish attitude.”

If only racism were concealed and isolated in the Jena area. Unfortunately, Mr. Granger’s thoughts are shared by many of his fellow intellectual whites. Frashure, on Vinewire, writes: “I am hereby calling for an end to this new reverse discrimination and double-standard put forth from many in the black community. If you commit a crime, you should be held accountable and suffer the legal repercussions. Discrimination is no longer your scapegoat.” How thoroughly illogical that the white students who committed the original hate crimes were never held accountable.

The problem, people, is that there isn’t an upswell that there are continual crimes occurring against black America. The increase in racial slurs and noose usage, as well as the almost endemic scrawling of swastikas on any surface, is being allowed free reign without any prosecution. Only because a professor at an Ivy League school was a target is there any sort of serious attempt to solve the problem. White Americans who traffic in any hate talk need to have the full extent of the law used against them. Only once we realize that there is a serious problem amongst whites will there be any reduction in the increase in racially motivated crimes.

MNF Ad Brain Basher!

2007-10-11T10:00:00.000-04:00

Heard the latest Monday Night Football radio advert while driving into work today. Thought the logical connection was tenuous at best, and it actually made my brain hurt. Seriously, a headache from a Monday Night Football commercial. I'm blaming Jaws.

So, the commercial voice-over starts talking about the great game that Brett Favre played and dedicated to his dad. Then the narrator tells us that we "looked over at our dad and told him we'd do something special for him." Dad's reply: get a job. You laugh, then realize it isn't a joke, and everything is awkward. Well, continues the voice-over, watch this coming Monday's match up between the Giants and Falcons, and hope that the awkwardness doesn't happen again.

Um, maybe I'm missing something. Who are the quarterbacks for the two teams featured in MNF game mentioned in this ad? The Giants have Eli face behind center while the Falcons have the face of the NFL Joey Harrington. Are either of these guys Brett Lorenzo Favre? No. Do either of these guys have a dead dad to honor? No. Are either of these guys Hall of Fame caliber QBs with gunslinger mentalities combined with cannons for arms and intellectual abilities trumped by Larry the Cable Guy? I don't think so, though the idiotic aspect may be shared by Eli face.

Ok, so maybe it isn't the similarity in the players at the Brett Favre position (an aside: wouldn't it be great if we named positions on different teams for specific players? Much in the way that colleges have endowed chairs, you could have specific starting positions known for a legendary player. For instance, the quarterback position for the Green Bay Packers should from now on be called the Brett Favre. Primary receiver position shouldn't be wide receiver, it should be called a Jerry Rice. Imagine the fun of announcing the Patriots roster and hearing, "and here's the Patriot's Vinateri lil' Stevey Gostkowski."). Maybe there some other angle here that justifies the comparison to Favre's epic MNF episode with this lame Giants pasting of the hapless Falcons. Hmmmm, white quarterbacks, ok...um, over hyped tight ends, check...a never ending platoon of fantasy killing running backs, not really, since Ward out Dunned Dunn...I don't get it.

Here's the real deal: they had no way of selling this game. What a boring, dull, awful match up. Sure, the NY football Giant fans will watch, but who else? Fantasy football owners? Thus, some marketing suit has a quandary. We need ratings to get that advertising money in order to keep paying out those gold plated matzoh balls to Tony Kornheiser, so how do we sell this stinker. Do we go the defensive mastery shown by the Giants? No, because Atlanta's offense sucks. Do we go with the prospect of Atlanta shutting down the hot-or-cold Giants offense? No, because Atlanta's defense looks average. Oh, I got it, how about a neat coaching meeting between captain sour pants versus the college gee-whiz kid who was supposed to make a certain dog fighter a better QB? YAWWWWWWWNNNN, I think "No Reservation" with Tony Bourdain is on.

Thus, instead of coming up with something that makes sense, they decide to trot out the Favre game to advertise a horrible horrible game. It doesn't make sense. Do your homework, ESPN, and come up with something inane ("Do you like Birds? Do you like Tall Men? Watch MNF!") or something that has a relationship. Awful. Awful. I blame you for my headache, ESPN!

***********

One other note, neat article on the Yahoo Sports "Bringin' the Noise" about the injuries affecting fantasy football. However, injuries do not equate to a Rambo movie. Rambo kills, he does not leave maimed.

And the Hits Keep A-Coming

2007-10-10T11:39:00.000-04:00

So, my company was just purchased by another, larger company. Here's to hoping that I don't get laid off.

Thus, time to write about some worries:

Abbas wants Palestine's borders redrawn - This goes to show that the old adage, "give an inch, they'll take a mile" is still accurate: "Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas on Wednesday laid out his most specific demands for the borders of a future independent state, calling for a full Israeli withdrawal from all territories captured in the 1967 Mideast war." Sure, Israel took the land during the 7 Days War, thus Palestine can make claims that they want the land back, but why should they get the land back? Selfishly, how does handing back land to a terrorist-producing state help Israel, and more importantly, the U.S.A.? The whole idea of sunshine policies used with rogue states (like the engagement of S.Korea with the N.Koreans) makes me nervous.
Another private security company makes a mistake - Sad to use this rationalization, but no human organization is ever going to be mistake-free. I'm sure the heightened fear that clouds over Iraq doesn't help US security personnel with itchy trigger fingers. Yes, it is tragic that two women lost their lives in a security mistake, but at the same time, the US contractors over in Iraq would be sitting ducks without security. One cold, cold note, in response to this: ""What is the use of the word 'sorry?'" screamed Nora Jalal, Awanis' daughter and a student at Baghdad's Technology University." What is the use of the word sorry with all the US troops who have been killed by road side bombings and cars driven into troop areas. The fact is, you live in a war zone, and there will be tragedies. I'm no fan of the false War in Iraq, but at the same time, I don't think you can scrap an institution such as security firms due to fatal errors. There may have to be greater oversight, or even better, a pull out of all US contractors along with the military, but as long as Americans are in Iraq, they need any and all measures to prevent attack from justifiably bloodthirsty Iraqis.
The Larry Craig Saga - The worst thing about modern politics is that there is absolutely no moral standard practiced by American politicians. There is such a wide gap between acceptable moral standards for the American public, yet an utter disregard for honor and integrity by the law makers who seek to pass legislation that governs Americans. How is it that a senator who belongs to a party that seeks to legally define marriage as well as insert christian morality into federal mandates gets ensnared in a controversial gay bathroom incident, claims that he will step down from his office if he doesn't get the charge overturned, then decides that he'll stay in office even after a federal judge decided that the charge will not be overturned. There are lies upon lies mounted on the head of Senator Craig, and yet he's going to vote on issues that may have moral dilemmas and he thinks he has any ability to discern? This guy is a joke and most politicians are jokes. I think it is disgusting that the immoral in Washington seek to legislate morality to the rest of the country.
China Internet Controls??? - Of all the things to get worried about involving Red China, the Internet censorship is the most worrisome? What about the illegal imprisonment and torture of prisoners for a sundry of reasons? My father can attest that the Chinese government (the local police are autonomous of the bureaucratic reach of the so-called liberalized state government) regularly turns a blind eye on torture of non-Chinese citizens. He's got the scars on his back to prove it. They've successfully persecuted Falun Gong, are only a few decades removed from one of the most searing images of human rights violations (Tianemen Square), and continue to wield the might of their institutionalized communism to trample over individual rights for the greater good. Not only do we reward the barbarism of China with the Olympics, but we routinely turn a blind eye unless we're affected with shitty products and poisoned food. Ridiculous.
Business as Usual Politics: Maryland had a Republican governor who tried to pass a slots referendum. The Democrats didn't want it. Now we have a Democrat governor...who wants a slots referendum.
Myanmar dissident dies under questioning: The thing is, people, these atrocities happen every day. Darfur happens. Burma goes on. Don't believe that the U.S. government would ever help in these events unless the U.S. has a vested interest to stop the violence. Don't believe the false concern Mr. Bush (or Mr. Clinton during the days of Sarejevo) about the situation. The real pressure to contain the strife should be democratic countries near Burma. Where's the help, Australia? What are you doing about it India? How about some help, Russia?
Wrongly imprisoned man freed in Texas: As I said, human institutions make mistakes. We need to be more vigilant in the US. How much do you want to bet that there is a correlation between race of convict and accuracy of the forensic evidence used in trial?
Baseball's post season: is anyone on the East Coast going to watch the NLCS? Here's hoping the Red Sox make it back to the World Series, otherwise this will go down as one of the worst rated post seasons of all time.
Football: It used to be that Mike Vick or Donovan McNabb or someone would be the face of the NFL. The league pushed Reggie Bush to be the next face of the league. Well, how about continuing probes into Bush's college days. This doesn't bode well for Bush.

Rant: Annoying Things

2007-10-05T13:05:00.000-04:00

First off: how hard is it to use your damned turn signals? To paraphrase the movie "Shoot 'Em Up," you literally have to move your hand a few inches in order to warn all other drivers that you are about to merge into another lane or turn into a side street. Are you really that lazy that you can't spare the energy to move your hand a few inches? No, it is more likely that you are self-important pricks who think that the rules of the road don't apply to you. I hope that you drive into a concrete divider and have your hand severed from impact and that you bleed out in the ER with your loved ones watching and weeping.

Second: Is it really too much to ask for people not to talk about their families/children to coworkers who obviously have not a single iota of interest about how well Timmy is doing in soccer camp? Seriously, I don't care about your family, and I don't want you to know about my family. I wish horrible things to happen to you and for your family members to tell others about the misfortunes you have been subjected to.

Third: Can't you stop using steroids, athletes? Come on, you're going to get caught. Just be mediocre. Marion Jones, I hope you get untreatable cancer.

Fourth: Racism still alive. More incidents of hate, including the boy held down and having KKK and swatstikas drawn on him by white students as well as the coast guard noose incident. These things have got to stop. White people, just quit it. If you really hate black people, go up to some black people, one-on-one, and say that shitty things you want to say. Then fight, duke it out, don't use this mob mentality, this slinking around, the idiotic, backwoods bullshit. Black people, organize, end this shit. I hope the white kids who drew the KKK things in marker get the death penalty. I want to see the weeping tears of the white kids' mothers and I hope we laugh at their inbred asses.

Fifth:

Fantasy Football, Week 4

2007-10-01T14:31:00.000-04:00

This is a post for a fantasy football league that I'm involved with. I'm currently 2-2. No yeehaw this week. Check out the league here. My team is ???Johnny Drama???

WEEK FOUR TIDBITS

Don’t Care How, I Want It Now!

Sometimes, words fail me. Whether it is watching yet another pass wobble out of McNair’s hand, flying high above his targeted receiver, or witnessing the most pathetic whining fit ever in the history of watching football with friends, there are times where a simple shake of the head or a hiding of the face into your open palms is the only appropriate reaction. Nothing spoken ever helps alleviate that hideous sinking feeling of not wanting to bear witness to the unfolding ridiculousness.

The Ravens looked awful, like an 8-8 team. Sure, some of you out there (I’m looking at you, Dolphins fans) would be quite happy for a 2-2 start. However, this was supposed to be the fourth best team in the AFC. Brian Billick, at the start of the season, was unhappy that the Ravens were not in the discussion of being labeled the best team in the AFC. The Ravens fans were feeling footloose and fancy free, eager for a return to the Super Bowl, or at the very least, another thrill ride to the top of the AFC North.

Instead, we get mediocrity. The offense is a glass half empty nightmare. The running plays look great…when we run. The passing plays work…in running situations. Nothing is in synch on offense, and the discerning Ravens fan can pick up some disheartening details like the relative equality in suckiness of the two Ravens QBs (and don’t mention Troy Smith, he isn’t going to play) and the mediocrity of the Ravens offensive line. However, the once vaunted Ravens DEF has been shown the rubbish heap: they’re allowing 21 points per game, gotten 6 sacks, and providing little pressure on the opposing QB in their 4 or 5 man rushes. Their DBs look pathetic (did you see the amount of space Chris McAllister afforded the Browns receivers all game?) and the only reason the Ravens DEF has any fantasy value has been due to the block kick and the fluke DEF touchdowns.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the team can have some great moments of inspired football, but they are ultimately an inconsistent team. The NFL rewards teams that can replicate their motions and stay consistent in their game plan and the execution on the field. This Ravens team has none of that discipline. They cannot follow through in an organized game plan, and they are still undisciplined, giving up way to many penalty yards on false starts.

That’s a lot of typed words; toward the end of the game yesterday, I couldn’t really speak. What can you say when you see something that ugly…losing to the Browns in that fashion.

Well, that was just the tip of the iceberg. What happened during the 4 o’clock games made me forget how embarrassed I was of the Ravens’ performance.

Let’s just say that the Commish had a bit too much to drink and was feeling punchy watching both the baseball and football teams representing San Diego go down in losing efforts. Whatever the reasoning, here’s a quick rundown of the Commish's awful actions at Bert’s (formerly Rocky Run): the Commish, in a booth with two of his friends, is busy talking and not really watching the Chargers game. There are two televisions facing his directions playing the game, and one big screen television behind him broadcasting the game as well. A group of guys in a booth behind the Commish requests that one of the two televisions showing the Chargers game be changed to a different game. the Commish does not notice the waitress changing the channel, engrossed in a phone conversation. Once the television channel had been changed, hebegins yelling at the waitress that he was watching the game. She informs the Commish that there are two TVs broadcasting the game, but the Commish retorts “But I was watching it on that one.” His reasoning for demanding placation… “I’ve been here since 1 o’clock drinking.” The waitress pleads to no avail, and then asked the guys the Commish if they mind if she changes the other television facing the Commish to the other game…no objections. Now, the woman is changing it back, and the Commish begins talking shit to his pals, which inevitably pisses off the waitress. There’s a tense situation, everything is taken care of, and the Commish goes along his merry way down the path of drunken loutishness.

Here’s the point of telling this story: there were no words that can really help this situation as it was occurring. In fact, later in the night, there were no real words to describe what transpired, other than making fun of the whiniest rant ever by a grown adult and the unbelievable lack of politeness that’s inherent in our dear commish.

Sometimes, you just have to shake your head and move on. So let’s get to the power rankings (pending results of Monday Night Football, but Tuesday is always busier for me, so you get preemptive power rankings):

1. Skora Sucks (4-0, prev. rank #1) – Oh, LJ, you’re back to being productive…at least for this game that mattered. What a solid week from a solid team. Other than an off day for T.O. (who’s team didn’t need him to shine), Skora Sucks just went out and produced from every position. Great week. Definitely think you can take it to 5-0 against a Chad Johnson-less Wheel.

2a. Thneeds (3-1 pending tonight, prev. rank #6) – Continuing his trend upward, Shaw’s team featured one of the best waiver wire pick ups in recent memory, Dwayne Bowe. The kid looks like the real deal, finally giving KC a legitimate receiving threat that Priest and Gonzales could have used during the Trent Green years. I like Shaw’s team tonight because Tom Brady is going to abuse the Bengals secondary. Also, you’ve got the soft match up against Phootball next week. Welcome to the top two!

2b. Wheel Rules (3-1 pending tonight, prev. rank #3) – Another wayward running back brings it on back home; LT gets into it with 150 total yards and a TD. I don’t know if the rest of your team is going to keep you on the winning streak, but Wheel’s team is still the second best team in the league thus far. However, with a loss coming next week, you’re on the B squad, Weil.

4. You Gonn’ Learn (2-2 pending tonight, prev. rank #4) – Even with the chalked up loss for this week, Tim’s team is still in the fourth best debate (and, unlike the Ravens, warrants the discussion). What a tough match up for this week, losing on the MNF game to Thneeds (I’m prognosticating). Like I said, Ronnie Brown is a stud and you made the right call on the DEF. However, this is a team that will get killed in week nine…sadly, that’s what happens when you have to depend on one back for 40% of your points.

5. Hoover Dans (2-2, prev. rank #2) – How can a two losing weeks in a row team still be in the top five? How about mediocre performances from his top notch receiving corps, and slow nights for Alexander, Lamont, and the SD DEF? This is a team that will bounce back…probably…um, maybe?

6. SD Homers (3-1, prev. rank #8) – Is it controversial to place a 3-1 team behind two 2-2 teams? I don’t think so. Skora’s team still jumps two spots on the power rankings. However, I had to temper his great performance with knowledge that the Lions defense contributed 36 points. Remove that total, and SD only has 74 points. Now, enter in the what-if caveat of McNabb not looking like McNair, totally covered over by the swarming Giants DEF (?!!), and I have to assume that SD would have been a 2-2 team…a mediocre 2-2 team. Still, since he’s 3-1, he gets to be in the top half of the league.

7. Score-Ahhhh (2-2, prev. #10) – Tony Romo is that good. Can you believe this guy? He’s the next Brady as far as hype. The nice thing…Romo is producing like a mobile Peyton Manning clip. This guy is the real deal. Too bad he’s stuck on a team that starts Roddy White and that horrible Baltimore DEF. Not a bad week at all on a BYE week for N.O., since I’m sure you were missing the 6 pts from Reggie Bush. Thank goodness you ran into Jill’s team, eh?

8. Shenanigans (2-2, prev. #11) – The only thing standing in the way of Bill reaching .500 is Randy Moss. Sure, Randy can store 30 points, but you’ve got to give credit to Peterson and Cotchery giving Bill about 30 on top of Peyton’s usual production. The main question, though, has to be the flex position, where Jones-Drew, Dunn, and the like have been low scoring disappointments. I hope tonight’s game is a shoot out…

9. Racist Melon Farmers (2-2, prev. #5) – How far can this team fall? I mean, sure, a QB is allowed to have a bad game, but being sacked 12 times by the Giants? Both of your QBs threw up negative points! Hopefully, this is the week all season where all of your players sucked. If it’s a portent into the future, then you’re in a bad, bad place of suckiness…but then again, your team’s still better than mine.

10. !!!???!!! (2-2, prev. #7) – I was looking to drop my team farther down the ranking, but unfortunately, I couldn’t justify placing Jill or Chi-Town’s team above me. Here’s why I deserve to be lower: who starts the Miami DEF? I mean, should I have been aware that Daunte Culpepper was turbo charging himself to go all 2004 on the Dolphins? Dude looked scary good, and now that I’ve picked him up, he’s going to revert to Anthony Wright-esque levels. My team is horrible, and I’m a horrible manager (more on that later).

11. Phootball (1-3, prev. #9) – I have to agree with Fooks, you’re team does suck. Decimated by injuries, and filled with some horrid, unreliable players, this is a team that desperately needs someone, anyone, to comeback and dominate.

12. Chi-Town Prep (1-3, prev #12) – Welcome to the winning team! You’ve got a very winnable match up against Shenanigans. Let’s see how you screw this up!

13a. I am Skora’s fluffer (1-3, prev. #13) – What can be said about this team that hasn’t been said about Nick Nolte? The team is old (Brian Griese), tired (Stallworth), hobbled (Cadillac), and clinically insane (Kellen “I’m a soldier” Winslow). Time to blow up the team and trade away for draft picks and cash.

13b. ephedrinators (0-4 pending tonight, prev. #14) – Sure, Maroney can give you the win if Chad Johnson flames out and Brady ignores Watson. I have to give you credit, you’re team is slowly improving. Therefore, you and Pierce are tied for worst team in the league.

Ten Things I Think I Thunk

1. If I told you at the beginning of the season that Tony Romo would be the top scoring offensive player through four weeks, you’d probably ask me why I was making such a conditional prediction. Romo has scored 130 points through 4 weeks, with 13 total touchdowns in that span (vs. the next best offensive weapon, Peyton Manning, at 94 pts and 9 TDs). He’ll likely keep up the streak against Buffalo next week, but expect a downturn in week 6 against New England.

2. If I told you the best RB through four weeks was Ronnie Brown, you’d just tell me to stop using this type of sentence structure to talk about a player. Brown’s at 311 yd and 3 TD rushing and 248 yrs and a touchdown receiving. Hot damn, that projects him out to rushing 1724 yards and 16 TDs and receiving 1328 yards and 5 TDs. This guy is amazing!!! Ok…temper the reaction…he’s going to have a great year unless injury gets him. Nice to seem him working out for the woeful Fins.

3. Another reason to hate fantasy football: the Minnesota DEF has scored more fantasy points than Peyton Manning.

4. A double whammy for the Niners super fan Tobes: the worst player in fantasy this week: Donovan McNabb. Negative 6 points in our league. A close second in negativeness, Trent Dilfer.

5. Looking for the info for point #4, if you scroll to count=825 in the total players points for week 4, you see some crazy names of average Joe football players. My favorites among the negatives and nothings: Johnnie Lee Higgins, Vonta Leach, Chad Mustard and the craziest name, Cortez Hankton. What an ungainly name…Hankton as a last name.

6. On my ineptness in trades…what the hell was I doing giving away Braylon Edwards for a third string Lions receive who’s injured, and a backup running back? Seriously, what a dope I am. I should not be writing anything analyzing fantasy football since I’ve got about as much skill as Norv Turner.

7. Best post of the week: Ode to Pierce by Thneeds. Amazing…Seussian delights. Keep up the artistic work.

8. Worst post of the week: Re: Free Agent Fooks. I took the bait to your inane insults. Not that I’m angry, bitter, jealous, or anything, but I try to bring a thing of beauty into this internet world, and you spit on it. Just remember, it is easy to denigrate and difficult to create. I read that on some hippy t-shirt. I hate hippies and I hate you, but I’m not angry or bitter or anything.

9. Here’s my quick hit thoughts about week 4:

a. Billy Mac Award for Sunday Night Waiver Wire Activity: Dan’s pick up of Pittman.

b. Here’s who got dropped today: Trent Green, Philip Rivers, and Marc Bulger. Who would have thought all these top tier QBs would be worthless at week 4? The lack of bench space makes it difficult to stash a wobbly QB.

c. The dropped before a bust out game (The Chuck'd Award): Pierce’s drop of Bowe, who goes on to tear it up for Shaw’s team.

d. Best trade: Getting Portis for Rothlisberger.

e. Best use of Smack Talk feature: the exchange between Hoover Dans and Chi-Town Prep in their Witten talk…too bad Witten didn’t save you from the jaws of defeat Dan.

f. I think Dan’s got the best next three week span, facing Chi-town, SD Homers, and ephedrinators.

g. Best four week span has got to be for Bill’s Shenanigans: my awful team, Chi-town, , SD Homers, and ephedrinators.

10. Any suggestions on places to watch the games on Sunday in Baltimore? We’ve got to go to a new place other than Berts, especially after the “Why can’t I watch the game on THIS tv?”-gate.

Quick post before the weekend

2007-09-28T16:29:00.001-04:00

Just to let everyone know...I might be sparce for the next couple of weeks through the transition in work and life. Thanks and have a great weekend.

StandardChuck

The Taint Keeps A-Spreading (or why sports continue to disappoint law abiding citizens)

2007-09-28T13:48:00.000-04:00

With the announcement that boxing's "Sugar" Shane Mosley used the "clear" and the "cream" before his 2003 bout with Oscar De La Hoya, can we commence performing two intellectual rituals moving forward through the rest of our sports' fan lives?

First, boxing is dead, long live boxing. The pundits have been bemoaning the waning popularity in the sweet science from the American audience, and they have every right to worry. The heavyweight division, once the roaming grounds of Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and countless other greats, is now an anemic, uninteresting mess. Here's a great link to boxingwriter, who deplores the state of the heavyweight division (with links to other great articles). Second, there is a dearth of great American prize fighters currently in the ranks of boxing. Who would blame them? All the best athletes have left boxing for the NFL, NBA, and even the MLB. Why endure the brutality of boxing if you can just get knocked around on a field and make a whole lot more money? Do you want to be one of the 900 boxing deaths?

I'm sure the rise of mixed martial arts hasn't helped boxing.

Now, if that wasn't enough, boxing has to suffer though allegations of doping. Looks like the WBA, WBO, WB-why the hell are there so many associations...all of the lot have to deal with the same scrutiny devoted to the WWE.

Second, and more importantly, I think we've now gotten to the point where there is no shock in hearing that an athlete used performance enhancing drugs. Reading the article about Shane Mosley, and for that matter, the allegations against Rick Ankiel, Jay Gibbons, etc etc etc, the whole Floyd Landis thing...all of it barely raises the eyebrow anymore (and the eyebrow is a hair triggered device). Sports have become tainted irreparably, and we as sports fans have to come to the conclusion of guilty until proven innocent. Let's all wire our minds to think that all of our athletic heroes are doping, because, sadly, the prevalence of performance enhancement (and the lack of culpability in today's age of PR-firm friendly techniques of denial and flat-out lying) has created a stage where we cannot and should not trust that athletes are on the up and up.

This does not mean that we can't still watch and cheer. Just remember, you are no longer cheering the endeavor of fellow human beings on the field...you're probably applauding the efforts of the new biochemically engineered athlete.

The Ballad of the Final Table Poker Room

2007-09-27T10:29:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, our preconceived notions get the better of us. For a guy like me, where a trip to the Korean supermarket is considered international travel and where the closest I get to Kerouracian adventure is taking a different route through East Baltimore than the rest of the white collar sect, sometimes the minds takes advantage of us, making us into sad, real life versions of Walter Mitty.

Case in point, my friend (who we'll call Tobius) and I went to visit the Final Table Poker Club. As my pal Ad-Rube said before the trip: "Uh…are you serious?" Sure, what's not to like...I imagined that this place was going to be like Teddy KGB's place in "Rounders." All in the confines of Duldalk (east Baltimore, a butt of jokes in Baltimore much like West Virginia to the rest of the States in the Union).

Tobius and I made the trek up to Duldalk. In the heart of the wilderness of white trashia, past the ghettos of racial discontent, right near a Gentleman's Gold Club and a little past a super buffet, we found ourselves at the Final Table Poker Club. Adjacent to a pizza and pasta joint called Papa Leone's (and uncomfortably close to a landmark called "Drug City"...making me think of Hampsterdam), we parked the car and had a moment of doubt. Why were we here? Should we actually go into this poker club in this sketchy part of Dundalk? Why do I have the sudden urge to wear a wife beater?

Scratch that, I had the moment of doubt. As soon as the engine came to a stop, Tobius was out the door, ready for action. One thing you can say about Tobius, amongst the volumes that I can write about the man, is that he is brave. I might add that he's brave from ignorance, laughing in the face of danger with a blank smile and an awkward pause, but I'm sure Tobius would disagree. Maybe he was feeling the mood to beat a bunch of dock workers with rolled Aces over Kings.

Turns out he really had to use the bathroom.

The Final Table Poker Club is an innocuous place. It is apparently very legal and very law abiding. My dreams of under the table deals, payoffs like those ubiquitous Cherry Slots machines in liquor stores around Baltimore, scrubby guys with threatening looks and even meaner girlfriends were dashed upon the clean, smokeless air of the place. There was no danger in the air. Instead, there were clearly worded guidelines on the walls and a table filled with crappy prizes, like a set of kitchen knives and a AM/FM radio.

Turns out it is completely legit. So why would grown adults pay $22 a pop to play meaningless tournament poker? Apparently, there is a quarter of a year long season where people try to accrue tourney points. The top 9 point getters are invited to a final table showdown where the winner get an all expenses paid trip to Las Vegas (2nd prize: a room at the Borgata; 3rd: a 24" flat screen TV). For this chance, people pony up the money Tuesday - Saturday. Enough people do it to routinely fill 3-4 tables, though last night there was the same amount of players as there were staff, three.

Needless to say, I was very disappointed. I was so dejected that the only way I could feel better was to indulge in a pure, immoral lie, calling up Ad-Rube to tell him that we had been kicked out of the club due to homosexuality. Rube didn't really believe me, but it made us laugh for a few seconds before my conscious got the better of me (honestly, I tried to call you back, Rubes, but you didn't answer to accept my apology).

Would I play there? Probably not. Why pay to play for nothing but the chance to win a prize. That's 22 a dollar a pop, and I'd only have to save a few of those buyins to actually play a real tourney in Atlantic City, possibly winning cold hard cash with which to buy a set of kitchen knives or a box of Francesca wine.

Another moment of my mind playing tricks on me...at least, after we left the joint, we went as saw "Shoot Em Up." What mindless entertainment to cap a night of mindlessness.

In the News: Excuse Me If We've Heard this One

2007-09-26T14:56:00.000-04:00

Ahhh, the fresh smelling news...

Investigators Being Sent to Iraq by Defense Secretary Robert Gates: What'cha Gonna Do With All Those Facts You're Gonna Find? - Defense Secretary Robert Gates told Congress on Wednesday he is unhappy with the Pentagon's oversight of its private contractors in Iraq, saying he's dispatched a fact-finding team to investigate problems there. Mmmmm, mercenary justice - "Many outsiders have predicted since the war began that the reliance on contractors — especially security contractors — was going to eventually produce problems, and now it has," said Loren Thompson, a defense expert at the Lexington Institute, a think tank. "The nature of the war does not encourage anybody to pay close attention to what local laws require," he added. "When you're in an environment where the Shiite militias and the Sunni insurgents are paying no attention at all to the law, there's always a rationalization for American forces ignoring it, too, and that's doubly true in the case of private contractors."
Violent crackdown launched in Myanmar: The sound of peace is beating down monks - Security forces in Myanmar opened fire on demonstrators Wednesday, and witnesses said police beat and dragged away dozens of Buddhist monks. When you're losing, just question the monkness of monks - The junta said security forces opened fire after a crowd of 10,000 people, including what it described as "so-called monks," failed to disperse at Yangon's Sule Pagoda. It said police used minimum force. When did firing a gun into a crowd considered minimal force? Burma, the land of gatherings of four or less - When faced with a similar crisis in 1988, Myanmar brutally suppressed a student-led democracy uprising. Soldiers shot into crowds of peaceful demonstrators, killing thousands. On Tuesday, the junta banned all public gatherings of more than five people and imposed a 9 p.m.-5 a.m. curfew following eight days of anti-government marches led by monks.
Day's Favority Story; Craig tries to withdraw guilty plea: Great White Hope - Sen. Larry Craig said he hopes that his guilty plea in an airport sex sting will be rescinded by a court in Minneapolis on Wednesday. The greatest slogan ever - "We're protesting the fact that a man has been convicted of a crime that he didn't commit," said Jason Gabbert, 38, of Apple Valley. Gabbert, dressed as the policeman, held a sign that said, "Next time pee, don't plea!"
Baltimore City News; Teen dies after accident on skateboard: Darwin Award Hopeful - if you've known StandardChuck, we have a policy of not supporting skateboarders. This is why. A 15-year-old boy who fell after holding on to a cement truck while riding a skateboard last week in South Baltimore has died, police said.
Self Vicktemization; Falcons QB Vick tests positive for marijuana; judge imposes tighter restrictions on freedom: You know, if I were facing prison time and my career was over and all my friends turned their backs on me, I totally would smoke a bowl.
Scientists find new species in Vietnam: new orchids...neat.
Russian woman's 12th baby weighs in at 7.75 kg: The russians have finally perfected the Super Human formula. That poor woman's body will never be the same again.
Court: New mom must get extra test time: so many jokes, but I must abstain...huh...huhhuh..."equal footing" with the men and non-lactating women who take the exam...huhhuh...special considerations much? - Currier already had received special accommodations under the Americans with Disabilities Act for dyslexia and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, including permission to take the test over two days instead of one.
Paris Hilton plans to jet to Rwanda: Because nothing brings serious inquiry into genocide like a worthless celebritard's visit - Paris Hilton plans to visit Rwanda as part of her post-jail commitment to use her celebrity status to bring attention to social causes. A worse crime against humanity - "I'll be going in November, after I get back from filming my movie" all those poor Rwandan kids to hear that they're "so hot" - "I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern," she says. "I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues." Can't we just deport her to whore island and get it over with?
Bears to bench Grossman, start Griese: That's the end of sex cannon isn't it ksk?
This is what happens when teenage girls get around animatronic rodents; Police break up brawl at Chuck E. Cheese: it wasn't the first, and it won't be the last - "There was a similar incident there awhile back, and we also had that same issue at Cinemark, and (management) decided to start restricting who they allowed in at certain times," Sexton said.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH, part 1; Man buys smoker, finds human leg inside
AHHHHHHHHHHHH, part 2; Scorned wife takes knife to man's penis in Malaysia: the worst part of this story is the picture attached to the story. As WDD-40 writes: "in case you didn't know how a knife slices through meat, here's some meat that isn't attached to a human"

Addition: Link to Boortz.com

2007-09-26T10:56:00.000-04:00

ATLANTA POORLY REPRESENTED ON ESPN TOWN HALL MEETING

I hope many of you managed to see that Sports Center special on ESPN last night. I was one of the panelists discussing "The Michael Vick Divide." The experience was very enjoyable, but I must admit that I was shocked by a good portion of the audience at the Sydney Marcus auditorium at the Georgia World Congress Center. Where did they get those people? (Well, not all of them .. but a good portion of them.) They were booing former Falcons defensive standout Chuck Smith for saying that Michael Vick committed a felony and had to pay the price, and when the moderator asked the audience to show by their applause whether or not dog fighting should be legal, the overwhelming response was that it should! Are these people serious? Dog fighting should be legal?
I'm sorry, but I can't help but thing that the audience there last night embarrassed Atlanta and themselves.
But ... people say that about me too.
Oh, look, ESPN has posted a couple of video clips from the Town Hall Meeting. Hear the Talkmaster get booed in the 2nd clip..
Are Vick and Belichick's Infractions Comparable?
What does the future hold for Michael Vick?

Jena and William F. Buckley

2007-09-26T10:46:00.000-04:00

Thought that the facts transcribed from the CNN piece on Jena was interesting, especially the focus on the fact that the white student with the shotgun was never prosecuted. However, where was the opinion in this opinion piece from William F. Buckley?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucwb/20070925/cm_ucwb/themessinjena;_ylt=An27JDQQPNaWQQUlpKamkDYEtbAF

The Vick Saga...Act II

2007-09-26T10:23:00.000-04:00

There’s much to be sad about the second chapter of the Michael Vick saga. Here’s a guy who was the face of the NFL, making the most amount of money in the league, living the American dream. He was one of the African Americans who made it, who had found an avenue out of the ghetto that America built through racial policies of disenfranchisement. Vick escaped the gang wars and the drugs that keep a race down. With his money, what did Vick do? He brought his friends along, pulling them upward with him, a brave new future where everything that money can buy was available to create new lives free from the shackles of poverty.

Michael Vick did much for his community. He created a program called Michael Vick’s People, seeking to uplift 25 middle-school boys through building of character traits. Vick was to host a charity golf tournament to go to Virginia Tech massacre victims. In a story by the Virginia Pilot, Vick is described “as loyal to a fault. He has difficulty saying no, whether it's for help on bills, rent, vehicles or bail money.” Vick brought his childhood friends along. As Terrance Mathis, Vick’s one time teammate, quoted Vick on the ESPN “Vick Divide” town hall meeting, “when one of us makes it, we all make it.”

Yet, what did Vick’s friends bring to the table? They brought the ghetto with them into Vick’s world. Vick, his multi-million dollar contract, his image that sold Nike and Gatorade, his reputation as a nice guy that was beloved by football fans of all races…all were damaged by his friends’ actions in endangering it all through a criminal enterprise to fight dogs. Know who you roll with, because when it all falls down, who does Number 7 turn to?

Vick couldn’t turn to his friends, who turned on him for plea agreements as soon as possible. It is funny that the Prisoner’s Dilemma, an old philosophical question, became relevant in this story. Vick couldn’t turn to his team…after all, the team and it’s owner had tried to cover up the story, hoping it would blow away, with vanilla statements of non-committal support, but what could they do? They were trying to get ready for a new season of football. They had done everything to coddle Vick, to nurture Vick, even hand picking a coach who would take Vick to the next level. The Falcons couldn’t do anything. What about family? Nope, Vick had his own father speaking ill of him. There was no one to turn to, no one who would support the fallen Quarterback…

Not so fast. There were those who wanted to continue cheering on Mike Vick. They were in attendance at the Vick Divide forum broadcast on ESPN yesterday, dancing and jeering, yelling obscenities at a Humane Society representative in support of their QB. They’re on the internet, posting “Free Mike Vick” all over the web. The comment on the instant reaction I had to the Vick Divide brings up the question of whether the NFL is damaged more by Vick or the Belichick/Patriots cheating scandal (this is an easy answer…a felony is worse than a misdemeanor). There is the groundswell of support of black ghetto culture, of supporting Vick as a target of the media, the white justice system, racism, hero-worship, bringing down a black man, etc. His fans, his black fans, are coming to Vick’s aid.

I agree with the comments of Neal Boortz during the telecast, who chastised the crowd for their lack of civility as well as the failed logic behind the crowd’s ire. Boortz claimed that the behavior of the crowd did not help to Vick’s winning of public support. There was an air of Jerry Springer in the behavior of the crowd. This is no way to help your fallen hero. As the public relations expert (sorry, but his name slipped my notes) said, Vick can repair his reputation by working to regain his honesty, his integrity. As the NAACP representative said, once Vick serves his time, he can begin anew, his debt repaid. By ranting and raving about a man who has pleaded guilty on his felony charges and issued a well written apology, you’re doing a disservice to a man who is trying to move forward.

I feel bad for Mike Vick. He got caught in a bad situation. At the very least, he can go to prison, do his time, come out, rehab his reputation, and maybe, just maybe, play a few years in the NFL to get back some of his money. I feel bad for the Falcons. Maybe they should have let the man be a man and not come to his aid on every single issue that arose during Vick’s time in the NFL. However, Vick was their man, their star, and when Vick failed, the Falcons failed. This is a team that will be sifting through the ashes of the Vick scandal for years to come. I feel bad for Vick’s fans, because anytime your hero lets you down, you feel bad. I remember the first time I got burned by a hero, when Patrick Ewing walked past me and group of three friends, who had waited in an emptied high school for four hours, without an acknowledgement…with utter disdain. That was the beginning of the end of childhood, and the beginning of the cynicism of adulthood.

Most of all, I feel bad for sports and being a fan of sports. Gone are the days where can love our slugger without fear of HGH, the days we can love our small forward without worry that he’s promoting stop snitching or that high intensity guy who just loses his mind and charges the paying audience. Gone are the days of following a player through his career with the hometown team, the days of hanging the poster of your favorite electrifying quarterback without fear of some crime, any crime, coming out in the news. Gone are the days that you can take your kids to a ball game for fear of hearing foul invectives from the crowd, for civility, Mr. Boortz, isn’t just dead in the audience at the Vick Divide, but it is at every baseball, football, basketball game, where the fans are some of the worst people.

For you racists, take a look at the audience of most sports venues…they’re mostly white.

I digress…the key to remember is that Vick will be remembered for what’s he’s done most recently. Let the man take his punishment. Let him come out of jail with a renewed purpose to do good. I hope Vick comes out, does some work with the community, maybe even make an attempt to work for the animal rights groups. I hope Vick comes back and wins back out trust. I hope he writes a book and leads children in the right things in life. I hope Vick succeeds in the third act of his life.

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Here are some interesting articles found in research for this hastily scribbled post.

The Vick Divide and the Rift in Civility

2007-09-25T19:10:00.001-04:00

Watching the ESPN Sportscenter 90 minute town hall meeting about the Michael Vick situation and I'm moved to make a few comments.

First, Michael Vick made a mistake and is now culpable to the laws of the United States. I don't think anyone can argue this point.

Second, as much as I have problems with PETA's tactics, I think it is pretty ridiculous booing and chastising a member of the Humane Society for decrying the brutality Michael Vick and friends inflicted on the dogs.

Third, and most importantly, how bad does the crowd come off in the live broadcast. You've got black people in "Free Mike Vick" t-shirts cheering and jeering with abandon, completely ignoring the entreaties of Bob Levy to keep it civil. Mike Vick involved himself in something really bad. His "friends" dimed on him and left him to his fate. Mike Vick is not a victim of anything but his own poor judgment. By booing any indication of an opinion that Vick got what he deserved was routinely booed and yelled down by the mostly black audience. Horrid behavior and shameful representation of the african american community.

I think it is a shame that any criminal can get support from the community due to their race. The outcry for the Jena six is completely different from the "see-no-evil" ignorance of claiming Vick is innocent or the ridiculous support of O.J. Simpson. There's a great amount of ignorance.

Wow...ok, an update...a question about how Goodell deals with Vick vs. Belichick. How is that a very good question? Belichick cheated on a game. What the hell? He didn't commit a felony?!!

This makes me sick. Thank you, Chuck Smith, for talking sense.

Maybe I'll revisit this topic tomorrow with a cooler head.

Blathering Tuesday 9/25 - Coach's Tirade, Shivaree, and miscellaneous

2007-09-25T15:50:00.001-04:00

Here at Standardchuck's, we're all about wasting time. So, instead of doing a news post, a new listening post of the new Travis album, or writing about various neat issues like the role of femininity in modern American politics or the protests of the Iranian president, I'm just going to go off the cuff and hit on a few items that really don't deserve their own posts.

*****
Pick on me...I'm a man...I'm 40.

Oh, you've all seen it on ESPN or on youtube (if you haven't, check it out. I would link it but the work-agencia does not allow to open streaming media). Oklahoma State Mike Gundy went off on a journalist for attacking the starting quarterback with personal criticism. Now, this has apparently touched off some semblence of a debate.

The writer who was the object of Gundy's ire, a Jenni Carlson, fought back, claiming that her piece was accurate. Ok. Whatever.

Now this: The Association for Women in Sports Media said Monday night that Gundy handled the situation in an "unprofessional manner," and while he has a right to his opinion "his decision to air his objections in the form of a personal attack shows a lack of respect for all journalists."

Right. Here we go people, let me lay it all out for you. This was standard gamesmanship that the coach was playing against the media. He probably didn't want to talk about anything in particular with the game and, instead of taking the approach of addressing the stupid questions that sports reporters usually lob at sports figures, Gundy took the offensive, making himself the object of criticism and attention, giving his guys a breather from the unending 24 hour sports news cycle.

This is on par with the "go ahead and crown them" Dennis Green tirade or the "playoffs" Mora awesomeness. These are techniques to give the country something else to talk about and allowing the players to just play the games.

I do agree with Gundy, also, that sports reporters need to stop pinioning about the mental states of student athletes. Feel free to say what you want about the mental toughness of a professional player, but don't question the heart of a guy who's still just a student. Pick on a man...who's forty.

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Shivaree...this band has a woman who's voice is quite nice. Take a listen...http://staergetaleht.blogspot.com/2007/09/guilty-pleasures-for-humpday-shivaree.html

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Desegregation: sure the desegregation of the Little Rock Central high school was a momentous occasion in civil rights history. However, why aren't we looking at the on going segregation that comes from where we live? Housing in America continues to be predominantly segregated, which in turn leads to segregated schools, workplaces, churches, etc. Before we pat ourselves on the back, maybe we need to look at the institutionalized methods that keep white and black living in separate (and often, unequal) areas of the map.

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There's a reason why the legislative branch of the US government recently posted barely double digit approval ratings...they waste time. The House has decided to go all nineties on us with a panel inquiry into Hip Hop. Wow...seriously, take a look at what's happening on CBS's violence against women crime procedural hours. How about sexism that's routinely displayed with abandon by our youth on those crappy MTV reality shows? How about the steady stream of violence in the cinema? This is just what America needs, a bunch of rich old white people taking Hip Hop, a diverse genre, to task for sexism and violence. Do your jobs, representatives, and stop wasting time...you'll need to get some real work before you have your Grand Theft Auto 4 hearings next year.

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I guess I never addressed the taser student. I'm glad he got tasered...if only we could have tasered the whiny opportunism out of him. Remember that the freedom of speech gives you the right to say what you want, but the flip side is that you also have to face the repercussions of your speech.

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URGENT! If you are a family/individual living on a tight budget, get ready to get punched in the bank account this winter. Heat oil prices are going to be record highs.

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Dear Conservatives who think that humans have no impact on the environment, here's a visual representation of our impact on wildlife.

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Sometimes you just can't win...

"Let me tell a joke here," Ahmadinejad said. "I think the politicians who are after atomic bombs, or testing them, making them, politically they are backward, retarded."

The crowd seemed uncertain how to react. Some applauded that pacifist sentiment, others seemed befuddled by the insensitive use of the word retarded.

Right on. I don't agree with Ahmadinejad, but I do love his use of an insensitive comment to make an agreeable comment towards hippies. Bait on, Ahmadinejad, bait on.

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The delusional walking out on the deluded. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070925/ap_on_re_us/un_cuba_protest;_ylt=AtTFchFIWSlVvNhJ1U_8gjwDW7oF

Seriously, they're all jokes, aren't they people?

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Finally, free Kiefer Sutherland! DUI! There's no way that Jack Bauer has time to drink and drive at the same time. Dude doesn't even stop to take a piss.

"Little Boxes" - The Decemberists

2007-09-24T14:54:00.000-04:00

So the Showtime program "Weeds" has a theme song that different artists tackle before each episode. Originally recorded by Malvina Reynolds, many different musical luminaries have recorded a version, including Elvis Costello, Randy Newman, Death Cab for Cutie, Jenny Lewis, and the Shins. The Music Slut (one of the favorites of StandardChuck) site has an mp3 of an excellent rendition performed by The Decemberists. Catch It!

A Fantasy Football League...Week Three

2007-09-24T11:39:00.000-04:00

This is a post for a fantasy football league that I'm involved with. I'm currently 2-1. Yeehaw. Check out the league here. My team is ???Johnny Drama???

WEEK THREE TIDBITS

Who knows how long I can keep this up? I mean, it is only Week Three, and I’m already hurting for things to say. When I start addressing kicker sleeper potential, or the effect of uniforms on fantasy performance, I’ll have to take a breather and skip a few weeks.

Speaking of uniforms, did you see the Eagles jerseys for the game yesterday against the hapless Lions? As my buddy Chi-Town Prep said, “those uniforms make the Eagles look like the JV team at Fire Island U.”

Before we get into the team rankings, just a thought: what a difference a week makes, eh? Not only did we learn that starting the season 2-0 doesn’t mean you’ll be dancing to the playoffs (Lions, Niners) and starting 0-2 doesn’t mean you’re buried (Eagles). Let’s see if it translates on the fantasy field.

MAX POWER RANKINGS

1. Skora Sucks (3-0, prev rank #3): Nothing like getting a pronouncement of weakness by me to really give you that competitive boost. Seriously, it’s like my trash talking becomes poster board material for players, real or fantasy, which inspires them to greatness. More on that later. Anyway, you’re the only undefeated team and you did it with Larry Johnson looking like Janet Jackson (more like Freddy Jackson, maybe?). My bet, you’ll be 4-0 with the coming match-up with Radioactive Lurch (purposeful typo, folks).

2. Hoover Dans (2-1, prev rank #1): sure, you made like a Hoover and sucked it up real good this week, but any team with two of the top tier wideouts and crazy go nuts Lamont Jordan is going to do well…unless said wideouts vacuum it up (Steve Smith for 1 pt) or you keep your studs on the bench (you could have used Roy Williams, right?). Bad management, but then again, hindsight right?

3. Wheel Rules (2-1, prev rank #2): why aren’t you lower than You Gonn’ Learn? Well, you have LT, who has just got to break out of his scoring funk. Why should you be ranked lower? Because Jamal and Edge both came back down to their ~50 yard per game averages and no one should ever expect big points from the Green Bay defense. What’s done is done, mattress man (Marty, not a gay comment…it’s a line from a movie…a thoroughly hetero movie).

4. You Gonn’ Learn (2-1, prev rank #6): Can I just say that you had your big week of the season? Ronnie Brown looking more like Jim Brown as he picked up 40+ points, and Anquan Boldin getting 14 receptions against the stout, impenetrable pass defense of the Ravens. Congratulations on not just beating your opponent this week, but lapping them for good measure. However, one question: why do you have Chris “should’ve called Enterprise” Henry on your roster?

5. Racist Melon Farmers (2-1, prev rank #5): Holding steady, Mr. Soper. You should have started Kevin Curtis, especially after I said that Curtis is a number 3 receiver if he were in a decent receiving corps. However, you didn’t miss much because you played Donovan McNabb. Thank goodness you aren’t a racist. By the way, how was the christening ceremony that you went to…was it better than watching your beloved Niners at 1pm? Whhhhaaa-chaaa (the sound of a cracking whip, spoken by a man who hasn’t seen his balls since aught five).

6. Thneeds (2-1 pending tonight, prev rank #4): I’m setting myself up for being the target of unending blathering from Pierce if Brees wakes up and punishes the Titans secondary. However, Thneeds gets credit for working with the thinnest bench (~9 points from Randle El, Porter and Peterson). Maybe you should have started Chris Brown? Don’t know how long you’ll stay in the top five, though, with 1 point games from Hines and single-digit games from your Chicago DEF.

7. ???Johnny Drama??? (2-1, prev rank #9): Thank you, Skora, for messing up the draft order. Your tireless work to make small mistakes that can frustrate friends and create mortal enemies also netted me Randy Moss (I feel like Bill Simmons when I see Moss in the end zone, in other words, I feel like a smug little bitch), Wee Willie Parker (is this Steelers team for real?) and Braylon Edwards (I didn’t even need him! In your face, Dan!). Here’s to hoping that my triumphant glow doesn’t fade to black when I meet Bill next week.

8. SD Buckfutters (2-1, prev rank #10): Speaking of the commish, how about pulling off a win without having your QB go yet against the guy who made you change your name. Just a question (and by question, I mean an insult masquerading as a question), why did you start Sammy “Backup” Morris instead of Marshawn “Starter” Lynch? I know it was only 4 pts you left on the table, but seriously, that’s a big carry differential there.

9. phootball (1-2, prev rank #12): I’m giving the tie to the winner of this week. About the same in total points as Score-Ahhhh, but you had the monster Week Three. In this power ranking, I’m following the logic of Eddie Murphy…what have you done for me lately?!!

10. Score-Ahhhh (1-2, prev rank #8): With a team name that makes me think of an excited college football announcer…nope, better joke…processing…a team name that makes me think of having sex when you’re a teenagers…ah, heck, let’s just go back to a gay soft drink, I’m coming to expect poor showings. Questionable management skill here, especially moves like starting D. Anderson instead of Tony Homo. Of course, I better not say too many bad things since it is possible for Reggie Bush to score 100 points tonight.

11. Shenanigans (1-2, prev rank #7): After last week’s Benching Randy Moss Award winning effort last week, how did the Irishman’s team perform this week? Pretty terrible…the worst part, all those high expectation guys doing absolutely nothing (I’m looking at you, Lee Evans, Warrick Dunn, Jones-Drew, Javon Walker, etc). Sad to say it, but I think you’ll have to make more than 1 move this year.

12. Chi-Town Prep (0-3, prev rank #12): Some separation between the winless, Chi-Town has a lead on the total points (actually, Chi-town has more points than Radioactive and similar point values to 2-1 SD Buckfutters, meaning that Prep has had some bad luck). The reason I place him higher than Pierce is that this team could easily be 2-1 now.

13. Radioactive Lunch (1-2 pending tonight, prev rank #11): It could happen…Drew Brees could revert to last year. Then again, how about that Rudi Johnson? This team is hurting…Vincent Jackson being the scoring leader on a fantasy football team is just plain scary to me.

14. Ephedrinators (0-3, prev #11): (to the tune of Mandy) Oh Eli! You came and you played such a stinker. You screwed your face up to look like a sphincter. Oh Eli! How could you throw two interceptions? You should have been a failed conception…um…wow. That took a turn for the personal. Well…what can I say about this team that hasn’t been already said about the War in Iraq. Is it time to cut and run? Maybe not…maybe some consistent play at QB, and a more touches for your RBs, and this team could be decent. Could be…could be…just close you eyes and imagine Sharapova’s freshly showered testicles.

Here’s the 10 things I think I thunk:

1. Can anything stop the Patriots offensive juggernaut? Tom Brady went 23/29 passes for 311 yards and four touchdowns against da Bills. Brady has completed 79.5 percent of his passes so far this season. His QB rating for the last three games are 146.6, 123 and 150.9…10 TDs to 1 INT. That’s pro-level Madden stats! Not only that, but Maroney looks great when he actually gets to run the ball, averaging 4.7 yards per carry. Also, give it up for Ben Watson, who has got 3 TDs in 3 games. Hooray Pats for fantasy…if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.

2. On passing yards: the passing yards leader is Jon Kitna with 980 yards and 6 TD through three games. However, with his INTs, Sacks, and Fumbles lost, he’s valued evenly with Ben Roethlisberger, who’s thrown about half as many yards (563), but has 6 TD, 1 INT, and 4 sacks. Kitna is a spot starter at best in this league.

3. The team of the week: the Eagles. So, funny thing happened. I’m driving to Bert’s (more on that place later) and I’m talking to Chi-Town. He’s complaining about the Eagles’ uniforms. I think that the Lions can stay with the Eagles and their anemic offense. Once at the bar, I start expounding on how a straight up trade between Donovan McNabb for Tony Romo is horrible for the owner who is giving up Romo. My reasoning, why take a seemingly lateral trade for QBs without juicing the pot? I’m sure the Romo owner could have gotten someone else of value to improve a different position while at the same time still getting McNabb. Selling high, right? Additionally, Romo has legitimate receiving threats in Witten and Owens. I then proceeded to state that McNabb has Kevin Curtis, who in my estimation was an overrated third receiver. Well, a fellow patron of the bar says, “Curtis is the fastest player in the NFL and has great hands.” What was my response? A wise and sagacious, “whatever.”

Cut to two hours later…McNabb goes off, the Philly offense decides to just unleash on that weak Detroit secondary, and the main recipient, Kevin Curtis for 221 yards and three touchdowns. Sick.

So, I offer this service to all of you out there…I will officially, on the record, verbally abuse any of your players which will, in turn, ensure on-field domination. I’ll say that Larry Johnson looks like he’s done in the NFL, and watch out, he’ll go for 300 yards. I’ll put down Sexy Rexy, and then Grossman will throw an 80 yard bomb to himself for a touchdown. I’ll smack talk about the Cincy DEF and they’ll shut out the Patriots in Week 4 while accruing 17 interceptions and, what the hell, 30 sacks on Brady. Plus they’ll punch Belichick in the mouth and become the darlings of the NFL. That’s right…use my patented service and you’ll gain that competitive advantage…think of it as that extra juice that Shawn Merriman had last year pumped into your flagging fantasy team (Bill? Pierce? Mar(t)y?!!)

4. Is Ronnie Brown for real? He went off on the Jets, 23 carries, 112 yds rushing, 6 receptions for 99 yards, 3 total TDs. That’s insane Tomlinson numbers. Alright, let’s look at Brown’s track record…this game, he goes 4.9 a carry. Previous two game 3.0 yards per carry. Previous two years: 2005 4.4 ypc and 2006 4.2 ypc. Sure, the Jets are bad, giving up 121.3 rushing yards per game, but I’d say that this is the Ronnie Brown that the Dolphins should get used to. Don’t split his carries anymore with Chatman and run Ronnie run!

5. Two defenses that are totally confusing me: Miami and Carolina. Sure, Miami didn’t have Zach Thomas, but seriously, this is a defense that features Jason Taylor, Joey Porter, Will Allen, Reynaldo Hill, and Vonnie Holliday. They should not be allowing 166 yards rushing a game?!! For Carolina, how can this front four only have 2 sacks through three games? On paper, their secondary isn’t this bad. The worst part for the Panthers, this was the soft part of their schedule (St. Louis, Houston, Atlanta). They’ve got Tampa Bay, New Orleans, Arizona, and Indy coming up.

6. Who didn’t love the Matt Leinart sulking shots during the Cards/Ravens game? The guy is a schmuck, always has been. Until Leinart grows up and develops a team first attitude, this guy is going to be the next Jeff George without the longevity or the arm.

7. The Top 4 shame report – this is a list of owners (in no order) who really shouldn’t have started these players.
a. Wheel Rules: Green Bay DEF against SD…oh, so horrible.
b. SD Buckfutters: Sammy Morris, RB Patriots, against Bills…ok, the argument that you wanted the backup because New England would have a large amount of garbage time to run out the football and also he’s playing goal-line hawk, but seriously, how can you bench Marshawn Lynch in favor of Morris?
c. Chi-Town Prep: Jeff Garcia, QB TB…Let me say this slowly so that you can understand it: Garcia…should…never…start…in…fantasy…football.
d. Score-AHHHH: Derek Anderson, QB Cleveland…over Tony Romo? Why? Why? WHY?!!

8. Here’s the quick hit thoughts on individual teams:
a. You’re welcome, Jill, for the update on Andre Johnson…I’ll take my payment in cheese curds.
b. Cox’s team looks like the real deal. Yeah, I know, last week I said he’s vulnerable, but he’s got four “ought to score 20 a game” guys (Hasselbeck, T.O., LJ, and Steelers DEF) and the rest of his team can break out at any moment. Scary team.
c. Worst bench: Thneeds,
d. Underperforming benches: Shenanigans, Chi-Town Prep, Wheel Rules
e. Best benches: Racist Melon Farmers, Hoover Dans

9. My football rant of the week: The Ravens (this is going to be the topic every week, right?). Who says we don’t miss Adalius Thomas? The man was the reason why teams didn’t routinely pick the Ravens Defense apart in the hurry-up last year. This year, with Jarrett Johnson doing most of the work, the team gives up way too much space in the middle. Additionally, AD had the sideline to sideline speed to help defend those quick slants and HB options that are killing the defense in the fourth quarter. Seriously, the Ravens have allowed Kellen Clemens and Kurt Warner (!!!) look like John Elway out there.

Additionally, don’t give props to Corey Ivy this week. Sure, he had a good game with 5 tackles and a fumble recovery. However, his man was constantly open, giving Leinart/Warner plenty of open looks. Ivy isn’t a great cover guy, but with his safety type of roaming/hitting skills, he’s sure to hit a guy hard (though that bouncing, hugging non-tackle on Cotchery last week still makes me hate Ivy).

I’m going to give in to pressure…Ravens…9-7, second in the AFC North (you’ll notice my predictions will become more accurate as the season goes on…)

10. My non-football rant of the week:

Bad sports bar fans: if you’re a guy who loves an arcane team, don’t cheer loudly and then look around the sports bar to see if your cheers have been registered by others. Why would anyone care about the Minnesota game unless they had the Minn DEF in fantasy? Nobody cares that you care so deeply about your Vikings. Same goes with you, lonely Chargers fans who decide to antagonize without a crew of similarly attired fanatics. Great story – Skora goes to the Ravens/Chargers game in Baltimore wearing a Chargers jersey. Talks some crap. Gets confronted leaving the stadium. Honestly, the Ravens fan was a douche (as I’m finding more Ravens fans in Baltimore to be) but if you’re going to be a solo fan, be respectful of your surroundings. For instance, there was a schmuck as Bert’s wearing a Boston Red Sox hat backward (yeah, that kind of Boston fan…) who was cheering anything that bad that happened to the Ravens. Honestly, there should be an open policy to chain this guy up like in Black Snake Moan and beat the asshole out of him. Maybe, at the same time, we can make him say chowder correctly.

Here’s a bonus rants – girlfriends, if you come to the sports bar, don’t be all over your man. House’s better half showed up to Berts and was an awesome member of our crew. She knew arcane Bills players like the backup rookie QB and she cheered. Hooray. I don’t even have to mention Jill, since she loves football more than her boyfriend, who probably loves the kicking aspect of the NFL the most. However, at a table adjacent to ours, there was a group of four guys and three girls where the females exhibited every single bad thing about involving girlfriends/wives in football.

1. The annoying question/off topic girlfriend: this one dumpy looking blond in a Steelers girl T-Shirt kept asking dumb questions about the game (The worst… “why’d they do that?”) and then not listening to the answer. She also would make comments about non-football, non-man issues, like “I made the bed this morning, honey…uh, where’s Sandy today?” Awful.
2. The “I’m so bored” looking girl: she was wearing a Cowboys girl cut jersey and she couldn’t have been more bored to be there next to her super Cowboys fan boyfriend (cool guy who got progressively drunk since he knew he’d have to leave with Ms buzzkill). She keep moving around, leaning on her boyfriend, sighing, and doing every trick in the book to get the fuck out of the bar. If you feel that way, why come in the first place? Just stay home.
3. The “I’m hot and horny” girl: she comes in, half an hour into the game, practically straddles her boyfriend’s thigh, and then progresses to initiate as many makeout moments with her boyfriend as possible. Never mind that she had used her feminine wiles to keep her man’s mind off the game during the fourth quarter of three tight games…what’s more offensive is that the combination of her short shorts and the couple’s constant snogging made it impossible to view two of the big screens in their direction. I had to move to be able to watch the NFL games instead of the grinding white crotches. Get a room.

Friday Roundup: Cavemen, The Ghosts of Jena, Pizza, Jazz, and the News

2007-09-21T13:31:00.000-04:00

Wow, what a jam packed post, here's hoping I don't get lazy and just pack it in, like [insert awful sports team like the Orioles or favorite early cancelled television show...your fate, Cavemen].

If you clicked on the Cavemen link, then you have watched the worst thing on the web since any Craig Ferguson clip on youtube (how do you find him funny, America? No clips for you). Man-date? Man-tastic? The only way these statements are funny and enticing is either if you are part of the "Queer as Folk" viewing sewing circle or, in a way, if you're watching NFL football with your buddies. I wouldn't mind the "we've finally got a night of our own" if it were for a lineup of football followed by the Dallas Cowboys' Cheerleader boob-a-thon, but for Cavemen then a show about carpooling and Jerry "I haven't done anything cool since Sliders except maybe sleeping with Rebecca Romjin" O'Connell? Go screw yourself, ABC.

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Serious news: The fall out from the Jena Six story: a resurgence of noose related hate crimes. All articles are over the last week.

HATEFUL TEEN ALERT - Two arrested in noose incident near Jena, Louisiana: Authorities in Alexandria, less than 40 miles southwest of Jena, arrested two people who were driving a red pickup Thursday night with two nooses hanging off the back, repeatedly passing groups of demonstrators who were waiting for buses back to their home states.
ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING ALERT - Noose left wrapped around neck of black figurine in Clyde: In the midst of a flurry of racial incidents around the country this week, a house in Sandusky County has its own display that is likely to generate controversy.
FILE UNDER MAYOR HANGING - City backs off boycott threat on Bloomberg noose art group: City Hall has backed off a threat to boycott a Queens civic group until its leaders apologize for a poster of a noose "reserved" for Mayor Bloomberg.
CLOSE TO HOME RACISM - Noose Found on Maryland College Campus: A noose, long associated with lynching and racial hatred, was recently discovered hanging outside the University of Maryland's hub for black cultural affairs.

An addendum to the Jena Six post - there have been two counter arguments posed to me from private emailers (who I will respect and not post their user names, etc). First of all, the vitriol with which a certain emailer addressed my comments were wholly unnecessary. The civil rights movement happened and you shouldn't use such hateful words to get across your ideas of racial dissimilarity. The world is not as simple as 1950, and separate but equal ought not to be the working idea.

I will address one of your arguments, though. You made a comment about the failure of the press to look at the other side of the racial divide, at the suffering of the white community in Jena. Here's two articles, an article and another article, with the exact thesis that you utilize in your argument. I'll go with the key quote that I think sums up your opinion: I actually heard a girl shout 'Shame on Jena,' " said Pam Sharp, 43, a local resident who sat in a plastic chair in her driveway as the marchers walked past her house. "I shouted back 'No, shame on you!' How can they include the whole town? That's the shame."

Here is why you are wrong and Pam Sharp is wrong, as are any member of the whole of the American community who thinks that what's happening in Jena is an isolated incident blown up by a 24-hour media cycle: America has to be shamed. Jena is America in a microcosm. Any town that has "a 'whites only' tree in the courtyard of Jena High School" has a serious problem. Any town that allowed for the following things to occur without a blink of an eye is morally wrong: "no white teens were ever charged in the noose incident, despite demands it be treated as a hate crime. On at least two other occasions, black students claim they were assaulted by white students who faced no comparable punishment for those attacks."

The problem with Jena, and racism as a whole, is the belief by some that racism is no longer a problem. White America has been able to sweep the entire historical subjugation of a racial group under the rug, utilizing various psychological techniques (from ridiculing black leaders to claiming innocence of the history of slavery/Jim Crow) to claim that there is no problem. The isolated incidents should be moments of clarity, a time to get your house in order. It should not be a moment to rail against the anger of an entire segment of the population...these protesters in Jena (and throughout the USA) are not harping on a single isolated series of racially idiotic moments...they are rallying against an entrenched systematic racism that pervades all of America.

Shame on you, Pam Sharp. You should be protesting, front and center, working to save your small town. You should not chastise those who protest very real injustice occurring in our country. Shame on you Ricky Coleman: "I believe in people standing up for what's right, what bothers me is this town being labeled racist. I'm not racist." Your town allowed racism to occur over the course of a year in the case of the lead up to the Jena six, and yet you worry about the reputation of Jena? It doesn't matter if you claim that you have no prejudice in your heart (which I sincerely believe is bogus, as I think that all people are prejudiced, not matter how much love you have in your heart), your town failed in race relations. Additionally, Jena citizens, how's this for non-racist actions: Concerns about violence mounted further when five large Confederate flags were hung along one of the main highway routes into Jena on Wednesday, so they could be seen by passengers in the dozens of buses headed to the town for the rally.

The key to remember is that there is racism, hate is alive and doing quite well. We need these incidents to keep the civil rights movement alive and active. We non-blacks need to keep in mind that a race separated and disenfranchised require an apology. Until white America wakes up and realizes that they are the cause of much of the continuation of racism in this great country, there will be no justice, there can be no peace.

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Pizza - I have to admit, the last time I ate at Joe Squared was a year ago...though I know people have eaten there a month ago and found it lacking. I may try it again, but then I'd have to miss out on good pies, like the personal pie at Wink's in Canton. Thin crispy crust, a spicy sauce, and just enough cheese to make my love handles smile. A good pie...and the place is BYOB. Try it out for lunch.

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Music...listening to "Money Train" by Ellington, Mingus, and Roach. This is challenging jazz. Don't know if I like it that much, but its definitely something that's violent and agitating. I'm not familiar with this type of classic jazz, but its something to spend more time examining.

Also...get the new Aesop Rock album...great, great hip hop.

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News that you can use:

Ready or Not, Here Comes War With Iran: USA, we're a peace loving country - A top American commander on Friday accused Iran of supplying powerful roadside bombs to militants in Afghanistan and said the U.S. would "act decisively" if the cross-border flow continues. Uhhh, what he meant to say was - His comments were not meant as a threat of military action against Iran but a suggestion that border interdiction efforts may need to be increased, Fallon's aides said later. Nothing like death to really make you want to march about peace - The spike in violence came as Afghans marked the U.N.-backed International Day of Peace on Friday. Marches and celebrations were held around the country, and U.N. spokesman Adrian Edwards called the numbers of Afghans participating "remarkable."
Democrats fail to pass anti-war bill: As Eddie Murphy once said, What have you done for me lately - The Senate rejected legislation Friday that would have ordered most U.S. troops home from Iraq in nine months, culminating a losing week for Democrats who failed to push through any anti-war proposal. Hey Republicans, No Cutting and Running equals fat hippies - Republicans blocked the measure, contending it would have dire consequences for the region and usurp control of the war from seasoned generals. Democrats voting with Republicans, Cats sleeping with Dogs, its just not right - Blocking the bill were 43 Republicans, Connecticut Independent Joseph Lieberman and Democrats Ben Nelson of Nebraska, Mark Pryor of Arkansas and Christopher Dodd of Connecticut. SC note: Lieberman is a schmuck, and I hope Nelson, Pryor and Dodd (!!!) enjoyed their hummers from Larry Craig.
Another Reason Why Art May Be Idiotic: this is how they sororities at MIT - An MIT student wearing what turned out to be a fake bomb was arrested at gunpoint Friday at Logan International Airport and later claimed it was artwork, officials said. too bad she was good at following directions - Simpson was "extremely lucky she followed the instructions or deadly force would have been used," Pare said. "She's lucky to be in a cell as opposed to the morgue." play-dohhh - The battery-powered rectangular device had nine flashing lights, and Simpson had Play-Doh in her hands, Pare said.
What America Needs is More Guns: Ain't no hanging chads when you vote with a pistol - Republican Rudy Giuliani sought to reassure the National Rifle Association of his support for a constitutional right to bear arms as rivals Fred Thompson and John McCain focused on the former New York mayor's past calls for tough gun control. I'm a dumb motherf'er and I want to vote for you, TV cop - Some stood and cheered as Thompson said: "Our basic rights come from God, not from government." When did common sense become a bad thing - McCain criticized Giuliani outright, describing the former mayor's "devious attempt to bankrupt gun manufacturers" with a lawsuit against them over violent crimes involving guns. A federal court heard arguments on the ongoing lawsuit Friday in New York. The Arizona senator also mentioned Giuliani's use of the word "extremists" in talking about the NRA.
The newest celebritard!
Alba, Cook raise $260K for charity: money to go to charity for people who like Dane Cook syndrome
Columbia won't cancel Ahmadinejad speech: a bastion of liberalism meet one of the most hateful men in the world (sorry to disappoint, but its not W) - Columbia University said it does not plan to call off a speech by Iran's president despite pressure from critics including the City Council speaker, who said the Ivy League school was providing a forum for "hate-mongering vitriol."
Floyd Landis loses the Tour de France: will appear on TNA wrestling, hopefully. then again, just take all the cyclists and form a new doping-positive racing league...call it the Tour de Balco.

Link Up

2007-09-21T13:27:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Double Consciousness for the link...

http://2xconsciousness.blogspot.com/

Great scholastic research for Racism, Sexism, Black Males and Women of Color post.

(9/24) Also thanks to Blog and a Bullet for the link as well.

Worst of the Best of Baltimore 2007: Part Three - Best Restaurant Makeover, Essential

2007-09-20T13:31:00.000-04:00

Joe Squared. Seriously?

See my review of Joe Squared from 2006. This is a horrible horrible place. Repeated attempts to eat here have been rebuffed with awful pies, "I don't give a fuck if you like it" attitude, and just plain contempt. How do you undercook fried mushrooms?!!

This is a hipster dive where people come to drink and be cool. This is not a restaurant. Never has, never will, until new ownership gets rid of that "well, I might cook you a pie, and I might not, and you'll like it" attitude. Simply atrocious...I hope you're getting tons of free Natty Bohs, writers of this schlock, because you just drummed up more business for the "Restaurant Most Deserving of a Tractor Trailor Running Into It" award from Standard"grumpy"Chuck.

Worst of the Best of Baltimore 2007 - Part Two: Best Gun Shop

2007-09-20T13:25:00.001-04:00

This picture is one of the major things wrong in America. You can buy it...you know...for deer hunting. Read the story to see that gun shop owners are good law-abiding citizens.

Worst of the Best of Baltimore 2007 - Part One: Best Reason to Live in Baltimore

2007-09-20T12:49:00.001-04:00

Best Reason to Live Here - Crime
To have grown up or survived for years on the mean streets of Baltimore often spawns intense local pride, since street cred doesn't come any more bona fide than to have been a Baltimorean for any significant length of time. Even for those who never have been in The Game, the scars of the war, if not visible in the form of a gunshot wound or a wheelchair, are ever ready to be shown off rhetorically. Denizens of Mobtown tend to have winning cocktail-party stories about crime, whether learned firsthand or simply known in detail by dint of life in the big city. To those more timid creatures who never have had the privilege of Baltimore living, our stories are larger than life and make us seem courageous and wise beyond our years. Respect like that rarely comes simply from one's address, and it puts us Baltimorons on the level with someone who, say, lived in Beirut during the 1970s. We're survivors, and we're staying no matter what. Now, what'll we do if crime goes down? Well, hopefully, one of our sports teams will give us something else to be proud about.

Who the hell wrote this? What uppity little Baltimore yuppie/hipster wrote this shitty little piece? There is a big difference between being someone who embarrasses the ugliness in their city and someone who glorifies something ugly as if it were a positive personal attribute.

Now I understand that there's that survivor's mentality that comes from living in Baltimore (and let's not kid ourselves, you're not a real Baltimorean if you live in Mt. Washington, Canton, Harborplace, Roland Park and their like) that's similar to living in NYC during the bloody heydays (NYC'ers who live in tony Upper anything side or in a flat above an art gallery, piss off, you're no tough Tony Bourdain, you're more like Sarah Jessica Parker). However, if you're the uppity little bitch talking about crime at a cocktail party, then you're the problem.

First of all, who the fuck goes to cocktail parties? Could it be these people to the right?

Second of all, let's say you were at a gathering and you're talking about how cool you are because you live in a crime infested town...you better look like these people to the right and be attending MICA, because you're a joke.

I've seen people who work for City Paper. They're some of the most urban arrogant people in Baltimore (not all, don't get your panties in a knot, writer for City Paper who is friendly). They're also cut from the same cloth as those who think supporting local music acts who have absolutely no talent but are really really good marketers (I'm looking at you, Wham City. Also at you, dude in the apartment building above mine who keeps butchering the same Jose Gonzalez/Pedro the Lion songs over and over and over again. You can't sing, close your windows) as a good thing. Let the delusional learn that they're not artists. Don't always support local music if it sucks.

I digress...the arrogance of the writer to say that living in Baltimore is akin to living in Beirut is astounding. I mean, sure, it gets hairy when the bombs are striking the building in Federal Hill, but you learn to live through the mortar attacks. Right. The writer of this article, and his/her friends, probably get freaked out when the homeless guy tries to get money from them on North Avenue. "OMG, he's so dirty! He's going to scratch up my Prius!"

My ultimate review of this article...written by a white person who loves Squidfire, Rocket to Venus, and collecting those stupid vinyl collectible toys they have at Atomic Pop for the white people who flock to TaxLo lounge to try to look really, really, really cool. You're all idiots.

Jena Six - A Good Time to Rant Against Racism

2007-09-20T10:23:00.001-04:00

There have been many commentaries posted on the Jena Six, including the following excellent articles that you should check out about this hot button issue:

Louisiana teen guilty in school beating case - Chicago Tribune article from June 29, 2007 detailing the conviction of Mychael Bell.
Louisiana town braces as black youth wins appeal - recent article about the appeal win of Mychael Bell and the protests by African Americans.
White Supremacy and the Jena Six: Southern Discomfort - A commentary by Alice Woodward which examines the deep seeded racial issues of the South and how the Jena incident is a reflection of ongoing racism.
Commentary: The Jena Six Case, Part Two: White Racism Enrages Us More than Our Own Fratricide - A counterpoint from an African-American perspective questioning why white/black violence is more interesting than black/black violence.

The reason I write this post is due to one of the most idiotic talk radio moments I have heard in many years. Driving from work, I tuned into a public radio station broadcasting from nearby Morgan State University. The host, who I never identified but proved to be one of the best rational debaters/moderators on a public issues talk show, took a call from what I can only consider a hysterical white male. I've known many of these Caucasians, and remain friends with a good many of their ilk - you can tell them apart by their justified racism due to the "white man's burden" and their impassioned belief that they're getting the short end of the stick.

Anyway, this fellow called into the show to discuss the Jena Six. He starts his argument that any time a group of people attack an individual, it should be considered a hate crime. Not a bad argument. The host acknowledged the logic. The caller then uses this point to justify the conviction of Mychael Bell and all of the Jena Six. The host then counters with the crux of the appeal, that Bell ought to be tried as a juvenile and not given an adult's sentence (which was recently agreed upon in appeals court). This sent the caller into an apoplectic spasm of righteous indignation, stating that African Americans use gang tactics to gain a physical advantage, but also by intimidation of the threat of mass violence to unfairly influence "our fair American society."

Now, if you know anything about American history and also analyze our current American society, you can come to the conclusion that not everything is exactly racially harmonious. We're still rife with the problems that crop up from a history rooted in slavery and exclusionary tactics. Some in our country still thinks that denying basic human rights/needs to a class of individuals due to race (Mexicans) or immigrant status is fair game. I digress because I haven't gotten to the key reason why I became infuriated by the caller to the show.

When the host rationally argues against the caller's point that blacks are unfairly influencing society, the caller then switches gears (a technique perfected by conservatives, who love to remain on the offensive but never really acknowledge a criticism) to defend the whites who instigated the increase in racial tension in Jena. Much of the current flare-up has a relatively minor source...three white kids decided to hang nooses in a tree. A stupid gesture rooted in racism, right? Well, not to our caller, who claims adamantly that nooses have no racial implications. He backs up his statement that places nooses in trees is not a hate crime since "we hung many different types of people." I am not making that up. He proceded to say, because American Indians were hung during the Wild West period of the American experience, shouldn't the Indians get angry at the noose?

This is the crucial point, people. This gentleman seemed like a well educated individual. His argument, though flawed stylistically (much too much rhetorical nonsense without a sense of debate, much like the Fox News style of heavy handed inflamatory statements) and flawed in moral correctness, had a structure and logic. This guy was probably a smart guy...but he is racist. That's the key to remember. Racism isn't just that Hollywood, "I'm going to stare at that guy with malice in my heart" crap. Its the justification...the way of saying, "I'm not racist, but..."

Usually, it's something innocuous, like a joke. It's root is in thoughts that you can agree with. "I think a person should be judged by the content of their character not the color of their skin." Then it morphs into if/then logical connections, "If someone's committed a crime, then they should get the sentence no matter what their color is." A complete justification, right? But you're not taking into consideration that this is a call for the status quo. Don't rock the boat...

...Well the boat needs to be rocked! The status quo is a white dominated society. Sure, its possible to think that nooses are not racially charged when you're a white person. That comes from the unwavering idea held by most white Americans that racism is dead and that everyone is equal in our enlightened American society. However, the fact that you can see a noose and think a radically different thought than a fellow American who happens to be black shows that the status quo is actually just an imposed historical forgetfulness, an amnesia of only 1-2 generations after the struggles of the civil rights protesters and the death spasms of Jim Crow (who's ghost continues to haunt white suburbs vs black urban neighborhoods).

Obviously the nooses impacted other people the same way as the caller: Once three white students were identified as having hung the nooses on the tree, the school superintendent suspended them for only three days. (The principal had suggested expulsion). The superintendent felt the nooses represented a "youthful stunt."

A youthful stunt of racism...imagine any other symbol used in a similar youthful stunt. Would three white kids get three days of suspension for a swastika? What if three black students wrote "Kill Whitey" on a wall? What if three Muslim student put up a flyer that simply said "Jihad" in a NYC school? See the injustice?!!

The fact that some white people want to gloss this over is ridiculous. It comes from an unrepentant spirit that continues to exist in white America. Hate comments are masked as being "sick and tired of having to apologize for something (slavery/racism) I didn't do."

Read the comments in this blog (elle phd: The Jena Six blogpost):

Blah, blah, blah!!! I am a resident of Jena and i have been a resident here all my life. It is really unfortunate that the news only publishes stories that make these young men, the "Jena 6", seem like victims. I happen to know 3 of them and i assure you they are anything but.

"Nick" proceeds to write that the three Jena Six people he knew were thugs. Thus, injustice at the hands of a jurisprudence system that has been shown to be racially biased in sentencing is completely justified by our white commenter as being warranted.

Want less subtlety? Here's MarkNelson61:

I personally think these Jena6 thugs should go go jail for life. Six black kids beat one white guy unconscious then kicked him while he was out cold. They should be sent to the most brutal prison in American and have their asses beat senseless every day. If that had been 6 white guys beating up a black guy, you would see every black racist come crawling out from under their rocks. They should get exactly what they deserve; life in prison. To hell with al six of them and yes I am white.

What a flat out racist. No, Mark, six white guys beating up a black guy was history in the American South. The white kid who was beaten was a victim. The Jena Six should have been prosecuted in juvenile court. That is the egregious mistake on the part of a zealous district attorney and an all white jury. However, what about the jerks who pulled guns on white people in the days leading to the beat down? Where are their assault with a deadly weapon charges? Where are the hate crime prosecutions for the white noose white kids? What sentence did the guy who beat up a black kid at a party get? (he got a misdemeanor battery charge, not the felony charges of the Jena Six)

Ok...let's get to the conclusion. Racism is still alive. It has been well fed by paranoia. Black America does just as much to keep it alive (on a day to day experience, I get many more Asian jokes/taunted from African Americans than by white people). The racism exists all throughout America (The South hides it better than the "progressive" North). For those of you white Americans who want to try to justify the situation in Jena, shame on you. It is intellectually and morally disingenuous. For the African Americans, keep fighting for equality, but don't turn to brutality. Remember the struggles of Martin Luther King, Jr, and remember that violence works against the movement.

Fin.

Epic Misspelling

2007-09-19T15:24:00.000-04:00

My buddy, Chicago funnyman WDD-40, in an IM to me typed "definteiyl."

This typo needed to be preserved for posterity. Enjoy.

Visit him at testadelbroccolo.blogspot.com

Listening Post: Caribou - Andorra

2007-09-19T13:38:00.000-04:00

I have to admit that I am entirely unfamiliar with Caribou (for the history of Caribou/Manitoba, check out the official website or the wikipedia entry). The neatest fact (from allmusic.com): One year later, however, Snaith was forced to give up the name Manitoba after Dictators frontman Handsome Dick Manitoba sued for trademark infringement (despite the passing of 15 years since the release of the only material under his name, a 1990 LP by Manitoba's Wild Kingdom).

Anyway, I read a decent review about the new album by Caribou called "Andorra." At first, I was scared by the tag that this is an electronica genre album. As a person who really dug the olden days of Chemical Brothers, I did not relish being surrounded by squiggles and twitches for 35+ minutes. Let's also get the fact out that I'm stuck in a jazz/soul phase, so this could be a failed experiment due to my taste. Anyway, here we go...let's start the Listening Post.

1. Melody Day - Bells! Sixties hipster soft singing! The wall of sound! Is this song produced by Mark Ronson (pictured to the right...as a tool)? I really like this song. The electronica influence of layering many different tracks and incorporating many disparate sounds and loops are here, but this is a song! This isn't a random collection of sounds that build to a crashing cacaphony for the glow sticked. This has the structure of a song. Awesome.

Speaking of wall of sound, has anyone else listened to the Pipettes? I got their album online, and found it silly. Just plain bad, but then again, easy on the eyes...if you're into polka dots.

Cool false end to this song. Alright, thus far, this is going to be a great album.

2. Sandy - The beauty of stereo...start off with the left channel then a different sound in the right channel. I remember listening to Odelay and loving some of the stereo tricks Beck employed. This sound sounds like a gloomy Polyphonic Spree. The voice is a bit weak here...though matches the use of the pennywhistle. Lots of squiggles. This could be a backdrop for an Austin Powers love scene...and I don't know if that's a good thing. At this point, if you absolutely hate the sounds of the Sixties era, you will hate the first two tracks. This song has every single cliche of the sixties...reverse tapeloop, sitar, "wahhhh" choruses, a bit of strings, psychodelic sounds. Ehhhh, not great...too bad it followed such a great song like "Melody Day."

3. After Hours - I am running...in...slow...motion... I don't think I needed that intro. Ok...now the main part of the song is locked and loaded, and it sounds like a shitty video game. The vocals...sleepy, mellow, non-raspy Ozzy Osborne. I'm yawning, not a good sign.

This song follows the whole droning thing that happened with sixties music. You know, those damned George Harrison Ravi Shankar exercises in indulgence. Drone....drone... The sitar has been replaced by electronic tear drops.

This song is a perfect background song for having a coffee at that pretentious Cosi down the street with the barristers who think they are too good to be barristers. You're sitting there, drinking your 4 dollar cup of infused water while there's that trust-fund hipster typing away at his new apple laptop and the old guy who's obviously wishing he was younger. You know, the type of place that has a square bagel but still makes paninis (which is sooooo 2005).

Why is this song still going on? Oh, I know, because it is 6 minutes long. No need for it to be six minutes, with a completely unnecessary minimalistic solo section, followed by the last minute of chants and no rhythm section. I now know what Brian Wilson hears when he's taking a morphine nap. Ok...blah.

4. She's the One - d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d, the intro is like a Brian Wilson and Philip Glass collaboration. Brian Wilson unfortunately won. Ok...too bad this song started with the propulsive first track...this is belly button gazing music dressed up with electronic flares. Like a waiter at Applebees or Chili's, its adorned with buttons that flash about, but ultimately, its another nostalgic album...see any Sloan album.

Oh, by the way, I hate the slow fade out to end a song.

5. Desiree - Remember that song "Kissing You" by Desiree? That was a hot song. I really liked it (yeah, I know it was a faux torch song, but it was sexy). Caribou's Desiree is a quiet little song. Then, at the 1:16 mark, it gets louder and the strings and cheese take over. This is a sacchrine sweet song...I liked the Phil Spector touches that pop up regularly, but there's too much cute with this song. I hear either a baby gurgle or an owl hooing at the 2 minute mark...really, is that necessary? I got it...this sounds like a James Iha song. Sooooo precious. Then, at the 3 minute mark, there's a hope for some balls to this song, but then a trill of a flute and we're back in fluffy pink clouds land. Yeah...a harp. Ok, this song just sent me into a diabetic coma.

6. Eli - Best song to use the name Eli...it has to be "Eli the Barrel Boy" by the Decemberists. This song is a more of the same. I mean...don't get me wrong, its pleasant pop music. If you love the sixties, definitely get this over that neohippy crap coming from across the pond. However, like I said, I'm think I'm in the wrong mood to really enjoy this...one thing going for this song, its definitely an autumn song. It reminds me of some tracks from the Cocteau Twins, except with pep and happiness. This was definitely inspired by the Beatles, Sufjan Stevens, and a Charlie Brown Christmas. I think I'm getting a little less grumpy.

7. Sundialing - Ugh, what a crappy title for the song. It reminds me of latter day Belle and Sebastian titles or maybe a less wordy, less ironic Of Montreal title. Robot voices? What? This song is a little less sugary than the previous five...more propulsive. Not bad. Wow...watch it with the visualizer on...the beat makes for some neat images. If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go huff some paint thinner and watch my Windows Media Player. I think my skin's melting off my face!

8. Irene - The intro could definitely be used in the Charlie Kaufman/Michel Gondry film. It has that coolness that would fit into a great comedic scene of self loathing. I imagine a guy walking down a snow covered sidewalk in a black coat, huffing and coughing from the icy wind, who stops in his tracks when he seeing his old girlfriend moving out of her place with a guy. The main character stops, as if to act, then turns and walks away. Then some piece of screen magic.

This is a great song. Alright, so we've reached two guarenteed excellent tracks to my ears. It takes something that is simple, and provides a slight disjointing that lets you listen to it with a fresh perspective. Brilliant fuzzing out the sound to really make one pay attention to the drive of the song.

9. Niobe - Another video game start...this could be a build up for a Contra type of game. Quick, get the spread gun! Damn...its just the spiraling fire gun. This is a whiny song, again, can totally see this one on a soundtrack. Just looked at the time...this is going to be an 8+ minute song. Here's to hoping this is a rewarding song, and not just a soundtrack for tripping on MDMA. This is much more electronica than any of the other tracks on this album...

I have nothing to say about this song.

Damn, still got 3 minutes to go.

...

Just played the scales with the synthesizer.

I'm bored.

Done!

Overall...I give this album a 3 stars out of five, since it has two incredible songs. The rest of it, I can live without. For those who are fans of the sixties will love this album. Its tight, it has many different sounds components, rewarding headphone listening, and you'll be cool since you're listening to a non-mainstream album. Its pop for hipsters!

News, News, Everywhere News

2007-09-17T15:02:00.000-04:00

Hello and Hi. News, watch it Fly!

O.J. Arrested, Still Looking For Wife's Killer: O.J. wants his shit back - An apparent audiotape of O.J. Simpson's standoff with men he accused of stealing his memorabilia begins with the ex-NFL star demanding, "Don't let nobody out of here." "Think you can steal my s--- and sell it?" the voice identified as Simpson's said. the answer is...I have yet to achieve my full dumbness! - "The thing in my mind as soon as I saw him, I'm thinking, 'O.J., how can you be this dumb? You're in enough trouble.'" the saddest group of one - "It's like a bad dream," Beardsley said. "I'm sad that O.J. is in custody." O.J. is crazy...this guy is just a dirtbag - Goldman's father, Fred Goldman, welcomed the possibility that Simpson could go to prison.
Saudi Women want to drive: new product, sunday driving burhaks - For the first time ever, a group of women in the only country that bans female drivers have formed a committee to lobby for the right to get behind the wheel, and they plan to petition King Abdullah in the next few days for the privilege. You got to fight, for your right, to drive a car? - But committee members say their petition will at least highlight what many Saudis — both men and women — consider a "stolen" right. these are rational people who we need to make our allies - The last time the issue was raised was two years ago, when Mohammed al-Zulfa, a member of the unelected Consultative Council, asked his colleagues to think about studying the possibility of allowing women over age 35 or 40 to drive — unchaperoned on city streets but accompanied by a male guardian on highways. The suggestion touched off a fierce controversy that included calls for al-Zulfa's removal from the council and stripping him of Saudi citizenship, as well as accusations he was encouraging women to commit the double sins of discarding their veils and mixing with men. dear Saudi Penthouse, I was at the mechanics when my burkah blew off - Conservatives, who believe women should be shielded from male strangers, say women in the driver's seat will be free to leave home alone and go when and where they please. They also will unduly expose their eyes while driving and interact with male strangers, such as traffic police and mechanics. meanwhile, Eddie Izzard killed in Saudi - When the program was first advertised, some reacted with shock that a Saudi woman was not only portraying a man, but also one who drives. Conservatives say women should not emulate men in behavior or dress.
Dirty Handed Americans: another important study - Americans' hands are getting dirtier, U.S. researchers said on Monday. They said 77 percent of more than 6,000 men and women washed their hands in public restrooms -- a 6 percent decline compared with a similar study in 2005. ewww - "Very clearly, guys need to step up to the sink," said Brian Sansoni, a spokesman for the soap industry group, told reporters. "One third of guys weren't washing their hands in public restrooms. That's gross." San Fran Ferry Terminal...hahaha - Researchers staked out restrooms at different types of venues in four U.S. cities: Chicago's Shedd Aquarium and the Museum of Science and Industry, Atlanta's Turner Field, New York's Grand Central Station and Penn Station and San Francisco's Ferry Terminal Farmer's Market.
Bush picks Mukasey for attorney general: that is one ugly boring dude - President Bush, seeking to avoid a possible confirmation fight over a fiercely partisan candidate, chose retired federal judge Michael B. Mukasey Monday to replace Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Democrats said Bush made a wise choice and raised no immediate objections.
Microsoft loses European appeal: we may have dirty hands, but at least we're not European - Microsoft loses its appeal of a European antitrust order Monday that obliges the technology giant to pay a record $613 million fine, share communications code with rivals and sell a copy of Windows without Media Player. oh, that last bold sentence, it has nothing to do with this story. I just think Europe is overrated - The court had confirmed that regulators had "quite broad power and quite broad discretion" over companies with large market shares, he said, citing Google Inc., Apple Inc. and International Business Machines Corp. as those that needed to heed the decision. finally, your day of reckoning has come, mocking Word paperclip - "The court has confirmed the Commission's view that consumers are suffering at the hands of Microsoft," she said.
North Korea nuclear talks postponed: reason for delay...had to go watch "Superbad" - Expected international talks on North Korea's nuclear program to firm up a deadline for the country to disable its facilities so it can no longer produce weapons have been postponed, regional officials said Monday.
Election rule change favors Musharraf: fair and square...like Bush's win in Ohio! - Pakistan's Election Commission changed the rules Monday to open the way for President Gen. Pervez Musharraf to seek a new five-year presidential term without giving up the powerful position of army chief. Opposition parties decried the move as a brazen violation of the constitution and accused the U.S.-allied leader of trying to bulldoze legal obstacles to his staying in power amid increasing demands for an end to military rule. They predicted a surge in democracy protests.
Pittsburgh diocese to settle abuse cases: see, SEE! pay to play, baby - The Roman Catholic Diocese of Pittsburgh said Monday it has created a $1.25 million fund to settle 32 lawsuits alleging abuse or injury by priests. I think I'd skip their "recovery" program - The diocese also will offer a program of counseling and healing.
May/December Couples Boost Human Lifespan: Hugh Hefner will live forever!
"Dead" man wakes up under autopsy knife: Remind me never, ever get into a near fatal collision in Venezuala
Man in China dies after three-day Internet session: That's a lot of homestar runner - A Chinese man dropped dead after playing Internet games for three consecutive days, state media said on Monday as China seeks to wean Internet addicts offline. come on, fellas, our readers need to know what game can kill a man! - "Police have ruled out the possibility of suicide," the newspaper said, adding that exhaustion was the most likely cause of death. It did not say what game he was playing
Holocaust song title has firm squirming: yet, apple refuses for overplaying and destroying that feist song. The ads for Bell Canada's Solo discount service showed a young woman decked out in flashy punk rock attire, with a button that reads "Belsen was a gas" -- the controversial title of a song by the Sex Pistols, and a reference to Nazi Germany's Bergen-Belsen concentration camp.

Sports Guy, You Have Been Warned

2007-09-17T11:39:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know, bashing on the Sports Guy Bill Simmons is a cottage industry (particularly well done by the fellows at Kissing Suzy Kolber). However, with the outrage over the videotape-gate kicking into ludicrous speed, I expected Simmons to not be as homer-ish as his tone is in the latest post from America's laziest blogger (yeah, I know, I'm no Louis L'Amour, but then again, I'm not paid the money that Simmons gets for his witty insights).

Take this example from the latest Simmons post:

Anyway, I thought the penalty was slightly excessive but fair. I was hoping they'd lose a second-rounder, but whatever. They cheated, they were warned, they kept cheating, they got caught, they paid the price. (And a steep price at that.)

Excessive? Steep? Consider that Belichick and his surveillance staff (do you think that's a line item on the Patriots budget..."spies - $40,000"...right next to "Matt Cassel (Sudoku for sideline duty - $20") broke the rules for a competitive advantage, should they have been suspended for multiple games? Seriously, a coach was suspended for games since he tested for banned substances...he doesn't even step on the field!!! Now, the Pats get off with a monetary fine...half a million dollars hurts, but then again, Belichick will make that from the advance for his new book, "If I Did Spy." Additionally, the first round draft pick isn't enough...we need to send a clear message. How about forbidding the Pats from the NFL draft, but rather having to prove themselves by only drafting from a pool of former XFL players. Mmm, maybe they could draft this guy.

Next, if that wasn't obnoxious enough, Simmons goes on to take Mangini to task.

I did think The Turncoat (aka Eric Mangini) should have been fined for blowing the whistle on Belichick and then inexplicably shaking his hand afterward.

This is probably the most asinine statement made by Simmons in the last...well, let's be honest, week, since Simmons has been showing that he's becoming less insightful and rather just plain crazy. He's headed toward Larry King zone, where the statements just become random sentences from an insane mind. You're upset that Mangini shook Belichick's hand??? What? Because young Eric has a knowledge of SPORTSMANSHIP rather than the snotty elitism that the genius Belichick displayed by snubbing Mangini in the traditional post-game handshake...you chastise Mangini for this? Seriously, if I hadn't already hated New England sports fans, this probably is the last straw. Simmons goes on to demonstrate the definition of the word "bitchy bitch dickhead:"

Stick to your guns, Mr. Mangineous. If you're going to sell out your old boss during the game, what better way to show your disgust than eschewing the postgame handshake and just walking off the field? What's the point of shaking hands? Hey, great game, congrats on the win. ... By the way, I ratted you out in the first quarter, sorry about that. My dad was more outraged about that two-faced move than anything since the Doc Rivers extension.

The guy was showing respect for the game, not the man. You don't refuse to shake the President's hand just because you don't respect the man...you respect the office. The post-game handshake is a symbolic gesture that the game is indeed just that...a game. Two teams meeting on the field to play a game to see who wins. It shouldn't have devolved into this, "I wonder if Belichick is going to shake his hand," baby-momma drama that the Massholes seem to salivate for. This isn't the WWE, folks. Its a game.

Also, I'm sure I would like Simmons' dad if I had a beer with him, but Ol' Man Simmons also sounds like a wrinkly ball sack of petty sadness. Why not get on Belichick's case for accepting the handshake? No one, NO ONE would have blinked an eye if Belichick did a psych-out faux handshake on Mangini...no one would put it past him.

Let's continue with Simmons' lament:

That reminds me, everyone's talking about the other teams and implying they were the victims. What about Pats fans? How did we deserve this? Our favorite team cheated, we lost a No. 1 pick, our coach pulled the football version of the Watergate break-in, our entire mini-dynasty has been tainted according to the outside world.

The sheer audacity...Simmons is a big balled prick, isn't he? Pats fans? Pats fans? We're talking about the coach and his bad decision and you're talking about the Pats fans? What the hell are you talking about, Simmons? In the pantheon of bad moves that cost a franchise their future, this camera scandal is going to be a blip on the radar. What about the Vick fans? What about the Duke Lacrosse fans? Hell, what about the Ryan Leaf draft pick? This is nothing, and I refuse to feel sorry for the poor New England Patriot fan for their tainted dynasty. Only those who have become satiated with winning could ever make such a entitled whine. Your team has won, and will continue to win...and face it, the world will not cheer for you. You've gone from being the face (remember the glory days of that first Super Bowl shocker) to being the big bad heel (Cheating. Asshole coach. Randy Moss). You might as well glide around and act like Ted Dibiase, you mincing jerkoffs.

All week, I almost felt like I did something wrong just because I rooted for these guys. Well, no more. Call them cheaters, call them villains, call them the evil empire, but it's still my team.

Yes...the transformation is complete...the Red Sox/Patriots fans have made the full conversion to becoming...a New York fan. Oh, the similarities between Boston and New York sports fans. Wahhhh. The sports world doesn't like us. Wahhhh. Why don't people like us, the fans? Why? Because you are all whiny bitches when things don't go right, and the most arrogant pricks when you're winning. Boston fans at least used to be bearable during the awful losing years. They had that wonderful woebegone way of talking and acting that made them endearing. However, once the famine broke, they became their worst enemies...they became Yankee fans. Those honking, wasted, drunken, loud-mouthed assholes that every real fan of a sport wants to punch repeatedly.

Take, for instance, this tool of a guy that I know who I'll call Smartinelli. Smartinelli is an asshole. He's got all the characteristics of an asshole: he's completely out of his element when he's around people, he thinks he's the best, he's outrageously competitive, and he's got horrible taste. Now, he's also got the standard defenses that women will use to try to explain away his assholeness: he's got a low self esteem, he never does it on purpose, he's a lot nicer when he's not in a crowd. However, face the facts, he's an asshole, through and through. Now, if Smartinelli were a Yankees fan he'd be in your face, blabbing about how awesome his team is, using lots of curse words, and probably three and a half sheets to the wind. Smartinelli is not a Yankees fan. He's a Patriots/Red Sox fan. This means that he's just an assbag with a chip on his shoulder. He won't be in your face unprovoked. However, if you don't give him props about his team when in a conversation about the various sports, then he'll start whining, and the whines become stronger, until you get gale force douche baggery coming out of his asshole mouth. There's an arrogance that borders on the righteousness. "Go ahead and make fun of my team," he says smirking, "because my team is the greatest team ever." Smartinelli is much worse than a Yankees fan...because he's not just a dirt bag, he's an entitled dirt bag...like a trust fund dicktard.

I digress...Simmons is a trust fund dicktard. I used to really like him. He was funny. He was real. Now, he's Hollywood fake mixed with Boston righteousness without the prodigious output. He's becoming about as relevant as Perez Hilton.

That said...he's still my hero. I never said I was going to stop reading him...I just like to complain.

*****

Speaking of complaining...how about this. The Ravens pull off a win, and I was thoroughly bored. The only time I was on my feet was the last minutes of the game, as the Baltimore D looked like the were bored, or maybe thought they were the "other team" in any football movie, where the heroic team marches down the field to score the last touchdown. I mean, we made Kellen Clemens look like Tom Brady for a while, eh? This Ravens team is not the fourth best team in the AFC. With coaching like this, we're lucky if we're in the playoffs this year.

A Cranky, Cantankerous Rant (part one in an ongoing series)

2007-09-14T12:37:00.000-04:00

Why do these community newspapers persist? You know, the ones at the carry out joints sitting on the rickety bookshelves, begging to be read with enticements of local news that you can use. Then, out of sheer boredom, you open it up to find pages of local advertising (from the illustrious likes of bottom feeding attorneys and way-too-smiley real estate agents) which are broken up by occasional articles written by friendly community types who have absolutely nothing to say. Unless, you're reading the crappy "newspaper" that just says forget the pseudo news and just runs the community events calendar and, if you're lucky and live in a crime infested rat den like Baltimore, a crime blotter. Imagine my delight when I opened up the latest issue of The Baltimore Guide, probably the crappiest paper ever put out (maybe second to the "What's New With the Packards" newsletter that greets me every six months...thanks, Microsoft, for home publishing software), and after reading the absolutely uninspiring lead story about the Butchers Hill Flea Market and Craft Show (also known as the hippy and old people trash event) and news about renovated Audubon centers (who the what?), there, on pages 6 and 10, laid the greatest comedy blurb ever...Crime Scene by Mary Helen Sprecher (who seems to be the sole writer of this shitty paper). I hope Mary Helen got some chuckles out of these amazing, amazing stories (my comments in parentheses):

Eastern Avenue, 2000 block, Spetember 6, 7:50pm (not even 8pm yet!) One man was arrested for pulling a knife on another after the first man refused to buy him a drink. (AHAHAHAHA...I haven't been in a situation like that since RUSTY JUSTICE left Baltimore)
S. Paterson Park Avenue, unit block, September 5, 9:40pm A man was arrested for pushing his girlfriend into a fish tank and assaulting her with a dog leash (this is why you don't date a man with too many pets, ladies.)
O'Donnell St, 2900 block, September 2, 12:45am A man was inside a bar when a suspect approached him and fo no apparent reason, head-butted him, causing a laceration to the victim's face (I love the typed out words head-butted. Additionally, we've all had those nights of drinking where we've randomly wanted to head-butt a schmuck...let's live vicariously through the suspect)
N. Wolfe Street, unit block, September 9, 11:09pm A man told police that a suspect had threatened him with a handgun and robbed him of his cellphone, wallet, keys, and two slices of pizza ("give me them slices, or your life!")
S. East Avenue, 200 block, September 5, 8:44pm A woman told police that two teenaged suspects had approached her car while she was unloading it and demanded money. She gave them $6 and they fled. (and that's why I continue to say that the children are not our future. Six Dollars?!! idiots)
Bonsal Street...Someone damaged the door handle of a van and took a birth certificate, green card, Social Security card, passport, $300-500 of coins, and the title to the van as well as two books of checks and a lease agreement (who the hell keeps all this in their van...idiotic van owner. 300 to 500 dollars in coins...either this owner is a coin laundry/vending machine entrepeneur, or the premier coin collector in the state).

This post evidences two things. One, local papers are a joke in this day and age of the internet. Phase them out. Two, criminals are stupid, but the victims are just as idiotic.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll got think about other things that annoy me (I'm looking at you, retarded BMW driver texting on the cell phone...just die already).

From a Fantasy Football league

2007-09-13T11:28:00.000-04:00

So, I'm in this league. Mostly friends (including Chicago funny man WDD), but the commish is, how you say, not very good. In response to his Commissioner's Note, I wrote this...see if it makes any sense.

Re: New Commissioner's Note
by: Charles N (???Johnny Drama???)
Sep 12 2:47pm

Oh, there so much to comment on, I can hardly contain it! Words springing forth like Athena, fully formed, from my fingertips. Powerful impact, boom!

On the Commish's observations -

1. Rundown of typos: 5 Ephendrinators (spelling) Marty get it in gear what is Sunday Ticket for? (punctuation) Delholmme (spelling, its like you confused Delhomme with Holmgren) repeat last weeks outing (punctuation) really on (spelling, it is rely)

2. What does this post remind you of...could it be Peter King's 10 Things I Think I Think?

3. Awful Reading Commissioner's Post Moment That May Only Be Interesting to Me LT looked human on Sunday, but Wheel likes boys. Is it just me or does the preceding sentence actually make sense? Also, how about that radioactivity half-life joke. How ironic! If only you could have worked in a Marie Curie getting cancer and maybe something about Oppenheimer's wrinkled balls, then it would have been the bestest joke ever!

Now, time for my crappy Freshmen 15 (make it 10) thoughts about Week 1 -

1. Is it just me or does it seem unfair that anyone has to lose? You Gonn' Learn, you were robbed.

2. When the Houston DEF is the highest scoring producer on a team, it says that you have a crappy fantasy team.

3. Some perspective on the scoring of this league: the top five in offensive scoring (Romo, Burress, Eli, Moss, and Brady) scored about the same as the top five defensive scoring (Minnesota, Houston (???), Pittsburgh, San Diego, and Cincinnati). 182.96 vs 180. That just doesn't seem kosher.

4. More on point analysis: Houston had 38 fantasy points, which is double the amounts of the top three teams, Chicago (18), Baltimore (17) and New England (19).

5. Which of the top four teams looks like the real deal? None of them. Sure, we've got LT in the mix, but all of these 1-0 teams had significant freak-out, I'm gonna score 30 points games from usual suckers (Melon's 40 points from Vikings D, 38 from Plaxico for Skora Sucks, Wheel's 25 from Green Bay and 24 from Int Machine Kitna, and Genesee's retarded 20+ from Delhomme, Lamont "Lame Fatty" Jordan, and White Boy Witten). There's no way they keep scoring that this pace.

6. Underachiever of the week: has to be Thneeds, who got a 1.5pt week from Cedric Benson, a 3 from Jerry Porter (please start a non-Raider, Shaw) and only 13.8 from Gore, who should be a 20+ scorer.

7. Piercy's team isn't that bad. How often will Brees, with that offense, get a negative...the answer, never again. What a fluke.

8. Just looked at the settings: why is a QB charged with negative points for being sacked?!! You don't penalize a player for the faults of his offensive line. This is just plain stupid.

9. The Bonuses: ridiculous. Passing Yards (25 yards per point; 4 points at 300 yards; 4 points at 400 yards) Rushing Yards (10 yards per point; 3 points at 100 yards; 3 points at 200 yards) Reception Yards (10 yards per point; 4 points at 100 yards; 2 points at 150 yards) I like bonuses of one or two points. Not four. That's just silly. Why reward a QB who has to keep throwing more points than a back who does a great job and gets to 100?

10. Quick Hit Thoughts for Week 1

a. Fooks, if you think JaMarcus Russell is going to play this year, then you've finally succombed to being a fully-fledged awful fantasy football player.

b. I hate being able to start only two RBs.

c. Line of the week: Lee Evans, WR, 2 rec, 5 yards, .9 points. You love that pick, don't you Bill?

d. 83 points should not get you a win. Sadly, you would have beated 4 of the bottom teams. That's what expansion does to a league.

e. Stephen Jackson can't really be that bad, right Chi-Town?

f. The Olindo Mare Award for worst team on paper: Jill and Christoph. Seriously, I hate having Fred Taylor, its like having to dance with the frumpy friend of a hot chick you're friend is trying to hook up with. Fred Taylor is the wingman's burden compared to Jones-Drew.

g. Also, D.J. Hackett? Seriously?

h. My new goal for this season? 120 free agent moves by week 10.

i. I kinda feel bad for the ephedrinators. Would you ever expect such bad news like losing Eli Manning to a pussy injury (I mean slight tear in the shoulder), a horrid performance by Phillip Rivers, and then thinking about starting Trent Green?

j. Since I'm aping Peter King, here's my obligatory MLB comment, Jay Gibbons used performance enhancing drugs. Look, let's just be honest and fold the Orioles. Turn them into a minor league team for the Yankees, which isn't that far off from the truth. The O's suck, and talk about the ultimate cruelty, with all these Orioles linked to steroids and HGH, where was the performance enhancement?

The 2007 Burnsy Awards for September 12, 2007

2007-09-12T10:13:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the hot and sticky last days of summer here at the home of the burn, Baltimore City, U.S. and America. I'm your host, Ms. South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin ... um ... Iraq?!!

No, seriously, I'm just kidding. If you saw my awesome bit at the MTV Video Music Awards then you know that I'm totally alright with what happened!

OK. So welcome to the first StandardChuck's Burnsy Awards ceremony. My brain hurts from the talking so I'll send it over to you, StandardChuck!

*****

Thank you Lauren, you truly are a precious treasure of idiocy.

So, here are the premise of the award. A little known television show has a character called Mr. Burns. He is a miserly, miserable individual with poor musculature. He has inspired me to create a series of awards, however know that it is a loose inspiration, as I will also utilize other meanings of the word burn to address our awardees.

Those who receive Burnsy's tonight will be members of a select group of individuals who have been enshrined in the Who-Gives-a-Fuck shrine, located in an abandoned row house somewhere in West Baltimore. May you rest in peace in eternal glory. And now, here is the first presenter of our first Burnsy, me!

(applause, with laughs from some of the celebrities in the audience, and a look of intense inquisitiveness from Akon)

Burnsy Award for Inefficiency (Ridiculous Waste of Time):
As you all know, sometimes the most difficult thing to do in this world is to kill time. It can drive you to do inane things, like make up an awards show for a scarcely read blog. No one understood this principle more than Burnsy, who appreciated sloth as long as it didn't hurt the bottom line (how else to explain his lack of oversight). Here are your nominees for Inefficiency:

The Federal Communications Commission - Third Circuit Court Hearing on the Janet Jackson Nipplegate
Work! - Keeping Russians From Procreating Since the Fall of the Iron Curtain
The U.S. Senate - Hearing on Toy Safety
Jamarcus Russell - Signing Contract After Week 1 of the NFL Regular Season

All four are arguably ridiculous stories about wastes of time for today. However, there can be only one winner...and that winner is, Work! That's right, Russian people, stay home and have sex for the good of the motherland! Why waste your time making money when you could be at home making babies! Inseminate in the name of Putin!

Here to present the next award, my friend and neighbor, Mr. Crackity Jones.

***

Burnsy for Health and Anti-Aging

Thanks Chuck. It is a pleasure to be here, as it is a pleasure to be anywhere at my age. People ask me what its like being 98 years old, and I tell them, imagine how sore and cranky you feel after athletic but disappointing sex in an evening after you spent a whole mess load of money for home repairs that you had to do all day. Now, kick yourself in the balls. That's how shitty I feel!

That's why they asked me to present the next award, the Burnsy for Health and Aging. The nominees are:

Life Expectancy for Americans: Up Like a Ding Dong on the Blue Diamond
Living in the Travelodge: A Young at Heart Couple Living the Economy-Style Good Life
Higher Gas Prices Equal Weight Loss: Pay More at the Pump...Fuck It, I'll Walk
Burger King Gets Into the Healthy Craze: Because American Kids Are Stupid and Will Think Thick Cut Apple Wedges Are Just Like French Fries

And the winner is...Living in the Travelodge. Nothing like spending your golden years at a shitty motel.

*****

Thanks, Mr. Jones. You are old! Next, to present the Burnsy for Worst Athlete Story, here's Pussy Manning.

*****

Burnsy for Ineffective Athletics

Thanks, but that's Eli to you. I'm here to celebrate the Burns who loved sports. He made that awesome team of softball players. Remember? I always remembered that I was peeved that the Simpsons creators didn't draw my favorite player growing, Howard Johnson. HoJo was much better than Peyton's favorite ball player, Gaylord Perry. Anyway, here's the nominees:

The Baltimore Ravens players and coaching staff: Because turning the ball over so many times and not running the ball at the goal line is just plain stupid (how about we refer to it as Billick-esque). Read the Sun article.
The Earnhardt Conspiracy: Because Step-Mothers Are All Evil Bitches (fairy tales are right)
Patriots Caught Cheating: Seriously??! What a Stupid They Is!
Jets Fans Cheering an Injured Pennington: I can't believe they unseated my vote that Philadelphia's sports fans are the evilest people in the world.

And the winner is...the Ravens! Yes, even worse than idiotic New York fans cheering the injury of their own quarterback. The Ravens' performance on Monday Night Football was that bad. Here to give his acceptance speech is the Head Coach Brian Billick.

"What can I say? I'm a horrible offensive coach. Want to know why I got the label of offensive genius and yet have presided over the worst offensive team, ever? I had Culpepper and Randy Moss at their peaks, that's how! Seriously, do you think an elderly McNair, a fragile Todd Heap, an over the hill Derrick Mason, and my moronic play calling could ever be productive? I was surprised that Cincinnati kept us in the game for as long as they did. I am a giant tool, and I hate you all."

(applause)

*****

Give it up for Brian Billick. He's a turd.

*****

We'll continue the Burnsy Awards, including the award for Best Sun Burn (global warming/climate change news), Worst Republican Moral Transgression (the Mayor Quimbey Memorial Award), and Richest Idiot on the Planet (seriously, I have no pity for rich schmucks who become adventures).

Reviewing "Shoot 'Em Up" and News

2007-09-10T10:15:00.000-04:00

First off, some comments after seeing the flick "Shoot 'Em Up" which features Clive Owen making a Clive Owen reluctant hero flick (seriously, this guy is going to be the next Humphery Bogart, except with a better trigger finger), Paul Giamatti rightfully cashing in on his exasperated routine, and Monica Bellucci being Monica Bellucci (go down the checklist: temperamental, check...foreign, check...sexy like a slutty satin coated with non-virginal olive oil, oh my goodness check).

OK, the review. It is a fun popcorn movie. If you like action films with inventive ways of shooting villains, you'll love this movie. If you love the idea of a gunfight during a sex scene, this is the movie for you. If you require a tight plot, a grounded reality in ballistics and physics, or a serious treatise on the violent nature of our American society, then this is not the movie for you.

Some thoughts from this movie:

ELV thoughts that this movie was an exercise in teenage boy excess, which is war rented given the amount of inventive gun play. However, there's a reason why this was a smooth movie...I'm imagining the screenwriter and director must have storyboarded the heck out of it.
My opinion, the audience is represented by the Monica Bellucci characters. We're all reticent to trust the heroic loner at first, but then we fall under his grim, carrot-eating spell. As movie watchers, we fall in love with the characters, with the (thin) plot line, and the situations. We swoon to the excitement generated by the movie. The kicker...what's a better symbol of the American audience than as a whore? We prostitute ourselves to any great, gun wielding, bad ass hero.
How great is it to subvert sexual currency (shocking the puritanical ideals inside of us) in exchange for a bullet proof vest for a vulnerable baby?
This movie didn't need a plot, nor did it really need back stories. Anytime we learned something new about Bellucci or Owen's characters, it just slowed the movie down. Unnecessary.
I have never seen a skydiving gun fight. There needs to be more. The anti-thesis to the adrenaline filled skydive gun fight? The underwater gun fight in one of the Bond movies. Boring.
Best moment of the movie, hands down: making the BMW driving prick run into the parked car. Seriously, this has to be one of the greatest things ever filmed for all of us who obey the rules of the road. More rich schmucks who drive expensive cars like drunken idiots need to be run into parked cars, light posts, and concrete barriers.

Go see this movie. You'll like it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now, onto the news:

Petraeus to appear before Congress today: Congress is going to ask pointed questions, Petraeus is going to offer some answers, but the real question, is the Iraq war going to end? stay the crappy course - Officials familiar with their thinking told The Associated Press over the weekend that the advisers will acknowledge disappointing progress in Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki's bid to achieve national reconciliation but would urge Congress to maintain the U.S. troop buildup to preserve local security gains. NPR reported this morning that current soldier tours at 18 months, and that there are many negative impacts to keeping the surge levels (mainly, running out of troops with record-low recruitment numbers). help a maliki out - Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki told lawmakers Monday that Iraqi forces were not ready to take over security from the U.S. military across the country. how much you want to bet that if the US pulled out, the only reasonable thing for Maliki to do would be to flee as fast as he can. I'm imagining a Vietnam-esque airlift out of Baghdad. reason why I'm voting for Biden - Biden said Petraeus' assessment missed the point. Biden said focusing on a political solution, such as by creating more local control, was the only way to foster national reconciliation among warring factions. "I really respect him, and I think he's dead flat wrong," Biden said. What a crotchety old man. I love how blunt he is...is this a character trait for Delawareans? (wait, I know some Delawarites, and they, sirs, are no Joe Bidens) we've got a coalition of the willing - Forty-seven percent of those surveyed in a poll conducted by ABC News, Britain's BBC, and Japan's public broadcaster NHK said they want American forces and their coalition allies to leave the country immediately. This was 12 percent more people than harbored those views in a March poll, just as the troop increase was beginning. And 57 percent — including nearly all Sunnis and half of Shiites — said they consider attacks on coalition forces acceptable, a slight increase over the past half year. the most frightening thing about this paragraph...57 percent believe it is OK to attack coalition forces. Get out of there!
Ex-prime minister deported from Pakistan: can we do this to W? - Former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif returned to Pakistan from a seven-year exile on Monday, hoping to campaign against the country's U.S.-allied military ruler, but was immediately charged with corruption and deported to Saudi Arabia hours later. get a grip - Sharif's brother, Shahbaz Sharif, who stayed behind in London, said their party would challenge the deportation in court. "This will be counted as the blackest day in Pakistan's history," he said on Geo TV. "I do not have words to describe my grief." seriously...grief? The dude's in Saudi Arabia, living it up with the oil shahs. it wasn't like he was deported to Baltimore. proof that I'm an American - after reading half way, I mentally went "blah blah blah" and moved onto the next story.
Craig blames press for his plea: is this story still going on? - Sen. Larry Craig should be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea in a sex sting because he was under extreme stress after being hounded by journalists asking questions about his sexuality, his lawyer argues. Wow, talk about feeling entitled. A guilty plea is a guilty plea. That's like saying you regret your decision to order a triple-triple at In-N-Out...if the triple-triple where an order of cock. i guess he did it stupidly - Martin said Monday that Craig did not "knowingly and intelligently enter a guilty plea." hmmm, so Craig is having doubts about our jurisprudence system. Just for fun, let's look at his voting record from ontheissues.org: he's anti-rehabilitation of prisoners, loves putting people to death, and he's resoundingly anti-gay. How do you vote against adding sexual orientation as a definition of hate crime? Someone beat down Larry Craig, please? i did not knowingly wiggle his jimmy - "He admits to going into the bathroom, he admits to moving his foot, he admits to reaching his hand down," Martin said on NBC's "Today" show. "That's not a crime." this is funny enough without embellishment. actually I will make a joke - Craig maintains he inadvertently touched the officer's foot but made no hand gestures. He said he was merely picking up a piece of paper. WHO THE HELL TOUCHES SOMEONE'S FOOT IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM? was it like "hey there, buddy, seems to be some toilet paper on your loafer there...let me pick it off." he should resign even if it were innocently grabbing ass paper from restroom floors. that's disgusting.
AMD to launch new 4-core server chip: i don't know what that means, but i'm sure a few thousand technophile just got wood.
MTV Awards flourish despite Britney bomb: mmm, white trash paunch - Out-of-synch lip-synching. Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home. The paunch in place of Spears' once-taut belly. At times she just stopped singing, as if even she knew nothing could save her performance. HAHAHAHA. the battle of who's more irrelevant - An off-camera fight between Pamela Anderson exes Kid Rock and Tommy Lee led Jamie Foxx to quip: "Stop all this white-on-white violence." i guess all those venereal diseases have finally mad them go crazy. wahhh - Kanye West, in another article, reportedly did not like coming up empty. Kanye, seriously, you're overrated as a rapper, and you keep giving away your best beats when you produce for others. Your new album sucks. Get over it. Also, that get up you had on made you look like a retarded Black Muslim.
This just in...Sen. Hagel leaving Congress after '08: I like Hagel because his name is one of the only words that rhymes with bagel...unless you count Day-Glo, in which case we'd be rapping about the 80's. Its hammer time.
Homo politicus: brain function of liberals, conservatives differs: huh, huh, you said homo. genetic differences between the parties - The brain neurons of liberals and conservatives fire differently when confronted with tough choices, suggesting that some political divides may be hard-wired, according a study released Sunday. Finally we see that the difference between MSNBC and FoxNews is due to the brain. I always hypothesized that watching FoxNews was a result of brain damage...but I guess you had to be born with it. break it down - Conservatives tend to crave order and structure in their lives, and are more consistent in the way they make decisions. Liberals, by contrast, show a higher tolerance for ambiguity and complexity, and adapt more easily to unexpected circumstances. I totally agree with this statement, I think, maybe. close read this - A group of 43 right-handed subjects were asked to perform a series of computer tests designed to evaluate their unrehearsed response to cues urging them to break a well-established routine. 43 subjects!?? that's really the results to make such a sweeping generalization? can you tell if the writer is biased? - Or one could, with equal justice, conclude that wishy-washy liberals don't stick to their guns, while conservatives are steadfast and loyal.
No rise in Ark. obesity, but many worry: that the decrease in obesity may have been the result of Pres. Clinton moving to Manhattan. wow, that's a crappy joke that would have sucked back in the 90's.
Ancient escape hatch found in Israel: how many "Lost" jokes can we think of for this news story! ohhhh, help me Desmond! Help me Locke! Guide my humor!
Calif. gray whale shot with machine gun: somewhere, Charlton Heston is smiling - An injured California gray whale was swimming out to sea Saturday after being shot with a machine gun off the western tip of Washington state, officials said. apparently members of the Makah tribe thought that their tribal hunting rights included being able to use a .50 caliber machine gun. someone shoot these guys.
FDA considers additional food labels: some proposed labels, "this doesn't really taste like cheese," "packaging appears larger than actual product within," "guaranteed to give you man boobs," and "suitable food item replacement for sex."
Three Stooges Museum in Pa.: "Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!"

That's enough for now.

News that You Can't Use

2007-09-06T10:15:00.000-04:00

So, long story short, I had a bum arm and I didn't feel like writing anything. But, now, here's some more news items:

Red Fish, Blue Fish, Right Fish, Wrong Fish: oops - the population of an endangered native trout in Colorado has made little progress because biologists have been stocking some of the waterways with the wrong fish. my bet, the biologists are Colorado hippies hop-heads. which fish? - attempting to raise the numbers of the endangered greenback cutthroat trout, scientists mistakenly restocked with common Colorado River cutthroat trout. look at the picture...we're trying to restock the greenback, right? um, which fish could it be...could it be the one with the GREEN BACK?!! a Ph.D. in obvious -they did a study and realized that stocking the wrong fish didn't increase the target fish population's numbers. University of Colorado professor Andrew Martin, the study's principal investigator, said that while the findings might give the recovery program a "black eye." I was going to write a joke about "sockeye" but didn't think it was appropriate...now if this was a salmon story, watch out!
Pavarotti is morte: this is how I want to be remembered - the second line in his Yahoo! obituary: "He was the son of a singing baker and became the king of the high C's." how ignoble for a star to be remembered as a pun. if you wanna be my tenor - Pavarotti liked to mingle with pop stars in charity concerts "Pavarotti & Friends," held annually in Modena. He performed with artists as varied as Ricky Martin, James Brown and the Spice Girls...who all died before Pavarotti. goodbye papa bear - he split with Adua Veroni, his wife of 35 years and mother of their three daughters, and took up with his 26-year-old secretary, Nicoletta Mantovani, in 1996. They had a daughter, Alice, in early 2003 and married later that year. he enjoyed good food, international acclaim, and a 26 year old when he was in his 60's. thanks for the music, rip.
Syria says Israel bombs territory as Israel silent: line in the sand - Syria accused Israel of infiltrating its airspace and bombing its territory on Thursday and warned it could respond. israel responded by holding both clinched fists up to their eyes, and uttering "wahhhhh." we showed that desert - a Syrian official said: "They dropped bombs on an empty area while our air defenses were firing heavily at them." the Syrians are not overreacting. freakin' bums leave their detritus on my front door stoop, and I totally want retaliation. if I could find their crack dens, I would definitely leave my empty chicken boxes on their property. or a bomb. either way, I would win. praise Allah! read between the lines - "Syrian officials have said Syria is seeking peaceful means to liberate the territory, although some have also indicated that force remained an option if diplomacy failed." I love statements where the use of focus is implied. its like saying, I'm sorry we had a fight, honey, and it'll all be O.K. after some time...or I might cut off your penis." tit for rat-tat-tat - "Syria last said it fired at Israeli warplanes in June 2006, when Israeli aircraft buzzed a Syrian presidential palace. Israeli officials said at the time the flyover was a message to cease support for Hamas after the Palestinian militant group abducted an Israeli soldier." sounds like a really fucked up pissing contest, eh?
New mortgage foreclosures set record: what's the frequency, dougie - "Doug Duncan, the MBA's chief economist, said the worsening performance was driven by two factors — heavy job losses in the Midwest states of Ohio, Michigan and Indiana and the collapse of previously booming housing markets in California, Florida, Nevada and Arizona." a third factor is the massive reprecussions of the Paris Hilton jailing...and that is why we let worthless heiress stars do whatever they want to do. out of house and home - "Democrats have blamed predatory lending practices for a large part of the current problems and have introduced a number of bills aimed at helping homeowners stay in their houses." one such bill, introduced by Dennis Kucinich, is called the "hugs, not foreclosures" bill. prominent Republicans countered by helping to physically evict default homeowners in their home state. Quote Mitt Romney, "I got some awesome swag evicting this mormon family...like this new wife!" yeah...forced jokes...I'm drying up like Bea Arthur.
Thompson announces candidacy on Leno: and the nation yawned.
Hu reassures US on Chinese products: it was made in china - Sydney, Australia: Chinese President Hu Jintao, on the defensive over recalls of tainted toothpaste, pet food and toys, told President Bush on Thursday that Beijing was stepping up product safety inspections. however, the microphone he was using malfunctioned, sprouting lead spiked projectiles that killed two U.S. aides, a Chinese dignitary, and four dingos. china-small - "China has acknowledged that some manufacturers have cut corners and used substandard materials, but that the problem involves a relatively small portion of the nation's factories." and, Hu added, the poisons used weren't tested on animals...just their workers. losing one's head at work - "Hu told Bush that the government has set up an agency to oversee the quality and safety of exports, and that officials responsible for wrongdoing have been held accountable." awesome...business death squads. he was articulate for a chinaman - "The president was quite articulate about product safety, and I appreciated his comments," Bush said after his sit down with Hu on the sidelines of the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation summit. Hu replied that he didn't understand a single word out of Bush's mouth.
Early rising no good for the heart: early to rise, early to die-z - Generations have praised the wisdom of getting up early in the morning, but a Japanese study says early-risers are actually at a higher risk of developing heart problems. close read this - However, the study also noted that early risers were usually older.
Leech invasion makes Japan residents see red: sign of the apocalypse - Long confined to the mountains, Japanese leeches are invading residential areas, causing swelling, itching and general discomfort with their blood-thirsty ways. let's all shiver - "Yamabiru (japanese land leeches) will climb into people's socks and stay for about an hour, growing five to 10 times in size. Unlike with water leeches, people don't immediately realise they've been bitten. Only later when they see their blood-soaked feet, do they realise what has happened," said Shigekazu Tani, the institute's director.
'Popcorn lung patient' inhaled fumes daily: freakin' idiot - "Wayne Watson loved microwave popcorn so much he would eat at least two bags each night, breathing in the steam from the just-opened package, until doctors told him it may have made him sick." breathing in the steam from the just-opened package. really? really?!! the more you know - "America: Read the labels, and just be careful about what we put into our bodies and always practice moderation," Watson said. "Don't go crazy." additionally, Watson warned that America should "heed traffic laws," shouldn't "taunt police officers," and should never "rub hot popcorn butter on one's jiggly bits." i feel better - "The Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association said that Rose's finding does not suggest a risk from eating microwave popcorn." the Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association, doesn't that sound like the most exciting annual conference gathering of all time!
Breast cancer more deadly in black women: confirms what I always knew, cancer hates white people.
Man found nude after clothes stolen: your Van Halen T-Shirt or your life - The victim, a 19-year-old Hazleton man, was taken by two men to a rural area west of Oelwein where the men took his clothes at gunpoint. ain't too old to take your clothes - Billy Ray Staton Jr., 36, and Arthur David Thomas, 53, both of Oelwein, were arrested and charged with first-degree robbery. a fifty year old man. douches.
Airline sacrifices goats to appease sky god: what's a guy got to sacrifice to get a working copying machine? - Officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said Tuesday.

That's enough for now...have at it!

News Schmooz - 8/31

2007-08-31T10:59:00.000-04:00

Newest News! I'll try to make this a good one to last all through the Labor day weekend.

Diana remembered at memorial service: picture pages - I wonder what they're thinking...Prince Charles, "my current wife is ugly, yo;" Prince William, "why did father marry that whale of a woman;" and Prince Harry, "Caw, she looks like a ripper, a real goer." (thanks to prince 280) lodi Dodi - "It was one more day for dredging up questions about how Diana came to die in a car crash in Paris with her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed, and for the Daily Telegraph to publish an essay explaining 'why we were right to weep for Diana.'" First thought: do you need justification for crying for a figurehead? Brits are insecure. Second: Daily Telegraph should have produced an additional essay entitled 'Ehm, at least Dodi died a rich bloke who gave Di the bad touch." princely timing - "For Harry and his older brother, Prince William, it was a simple tribute to an adored mother." Both princes gave moving elegies. Sadly, Prince Charles tried to follow up using levity, mostly doing impressions of Ricky Gervais lines from "Extras." Unfortunately, no one was having a laugh. the tories live - "She reached our lives deeply, even in America. She brought life to the palace and warmth, and that's what the monarchy needed," said Arlene Fitch, 54, of Boston. Arlene, after giving her quote, promptly sang "Hail to the Queen," then choked on a crumpet while arsing about on the loo. No one in Boston cried. brothers from a different mother- Diana "got married the same year as me, she had children the same year as me and, as her boys have grown up, they have done just the same kind of things as our boys would do," said Fitch's sister, Marie Schofield, 46, from Florida. Marie boasted that, like Harry and William's Royal panty breakouts, her younger boy, Michael Scofield, recently helped to break his falsely imprisoned brother out of jail. Marie gushed, "Michael's gonna be the King of Coral Gables someday!" cheeky - John Loughrey, 52, had painted "Diana" on his forehead and "the truth?" on his cheek. "We must get to the bottom of how she died," he said. He wasn't taken seriously because his other cheek had written "Golden Palace dot Com" and "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World," on his pasty, hairless chest. sixth floor: mourning - "Mohamed al Fayed, who accused Prince Philip of masterminding a plot to kill Diana and Dodi Fayed, was not on the guest list. He observed his own two minutes of silence at Harrods, his department store, an hour before the memorial service." Ohhhh, joke overload! Prince Philip can't even mastermind a game of tiddlywinks. Secret plot, make Dodi drive into a column. Two minutes of silence in a department store?!! Fat guy in expensive suit with head hanging down next to Waterford crystal and Bulgova watches? The perfume people spritzing without smiles. No musak for two minutes. AHHHH. there's nothing else that can top anything above, right? - "Artist Francine Reulier, 56,
'Many of us in France feel a bit guilty for not having protected her. I still get chills, I still cry about it — the raw horror of it all.'" France, protection...what were they going to do? Jean Reno assasinating all the paparazi, or somehow padding the concrete columns with a protective collision absorbing layer of brie? All the dog crap on the sidewalks forming a poop force field around Dodi's vehicle? The Eiffel Tower forming into a Michael Bay wet-dream Transformer and saving the day? France sucks (sorry Mrs. Vini).
Beckham to miss 6 weeks with bad knee: football, soccer, its all overpriced to me - "He's played 310 minutes in six games, which comes to about $21,000 a minute if he's out for the season." that translates to what, 10 grand everytime his foot touched the ball?

More to come...maybe?

In the News 8/30

2007-08-30T10:04:00.000-04:00

Should I make this a regular feature...since I no longer have the time for Listening Posts or random rants about my life:

Mission Unaccomplished: The Iraqi government has failed to meet the vast majority of political and military goals laid out by lawmakers to assess President Bush's Iraq war strategy, congressional auditors have determined. what went wrong - 13 of the 18 benchmarks failed. I couldn't find any of the specific benchmark, but I'm thinking a few of them might be "Iraqi government will be able to build a functional coalition of different cultural groups in Iraq," "Iraqi government will take over policing functions in Iraq," and "Iraqi government will grow a set." (that's the best I can do. Other options involved replacing halal meat with McDonalds, stopping indoor soccer, or playing dress up with Saddam Hussein's corpse...ohhh, let's go with that one) playing unfair - The officials argued "that Congress ordered the GAO to use unfair, 'all or nothing' standards when compiling the document." No wiggle room. Those congressional Democrats are taking away everything that makes American politics functional! No wiggle room, no shades of gray, no hemming and hawing. Next thing you know, there'll be no out and out lying allowed ("I am not gay" from the bathroom sex soliciting Idaho senator or "quack quack quack" from the vice-president). leave the boy and the oil - one of the major aims was that the Iraqi government needed to pass a oil law. Right. "There is looting in the street, people are dying everywhere, each roadway is littered with jury-rigged bombs, but your first priority better be giving Exxon a good deal on crude, Habib!" the law of average - one of the major talking points from the conservative and military establishments is to say that the standards are too strict. "At the Pentagon, spokesman Geoff Morrell previewed the administration's response to the GAO report, comparing it unfavorably to the July findings. 'The standard the GAO has set is far more stringent," he told reporters. "Some might argue it's impossible to meet.'" In other words, don't use the AP rubric for the short bus kids. Don't you know that you need to relax the standards when you're not up to snuff? It's not fair... close read this - Morrell said Bush's top military advisers, including Gates, would give the president their opinions "directly and in an unvarnished way." Using my crystal here's how it will come out, "you're doing great, we're winning the war, now go outside and clear the weeds of the Rose Garden."
US sprinter Gay wins men's 200m world title: double gay - he won the 100m also. That's a rare sprint double. Rare sprint double...sounds like a good title for a CD (hint, hint, men of Death Cab For Cutie).
Suits filed against Lil' Wayne: OMG money! - "A woman has filed a lawsuit alleging she was trampled by a frenzied crowd after a large amount of cash was thrown into the crowd during a concert by rapper Lil' Wayne at Morgan State University last October." Just another example of when "MAKING IT RAIN" goes bad. money and baltimore don't mix - "either Lil' Wayne or members of his entourage — threw money into the crowd during the rapper's performance" in BALTIMORE. Drop a twenty on the street in Hampden and you'll have a pile of toothless wonders trampling you. That's 20 keno plays, playa! Also, Lil' Wayne needs to chastise his entourage for spending the Fiji Water money. Seriously. the big time - "Lil' Wayne was the opening act for Busta Rhymes at the concert. Lil' Wayne and rapper Ja Rule were charged with felony handgun violations after a concert in Manhattan last month." When did Busta Rhymes become placed at the same level as Lil' Wayne and (laughing) Ja Rule?!! Busta spit ferocious lines (anyone remember "Scenario" with Tribe Called Quest?). Ja Rule sang with J. Lo, using lines like "I got my boyfriend...nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah." Ja Rule sucks. Lil' Wayne needs to make it rain to start a brawl. Busta just needed to do the dungeon dragon "Rawlll" and dudes would be trampling women, for sure.
No more tag in Colorado: file this under the "hippie parents taking away everything fun from their children." don't tag me while i'm sipping my mochalatte - "An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will." That was the fun of tag. Freakin' whiny children need to do what all the other "non-contact-ers" used to do when I was in elementary school, go play on the swings, or go sit against the wall and play. Don't stand around and make yourself a tag-ee then complain to the teachers when you get swatted. This is just another sickening example of coddling. How much you want to bet that this is a predominantly white school? running aimlessly is still O.K. - "Running games are still allowed as long as students don't chase each other." rightttttt, just run around. we should just put the children through force marches for an hour to get the sillies out of them. conflict is bad - "School officials said the move encouraged more students to play games and helped reduce playground squabbles." School officials also said that they were guided in their decisions by the influential book "How to Raise Chicken-Shit Children."

finally...

Egypt: Belgian diplomats damaged fossils: it was bumpy - Egyptian authorities have accused Belgian diplomats of damaging a 40 million-year-old whale fossil when they allegedly drove over the remains in a protected desert area, an official said Monday. rules don't apply to the belgish - the diplomats in four-wheel-drive vehicles ran over the fossil in July after ignoring signs warning visitors not to drive in the Wadi el-Hitan, or Valley of the Whales, protected area and UNESCO World Heritage site located about 93 miles outside of Cairo.

In the News

2007-08-29T08:32:00.000-04:00

So, since I'm too busy (and tired) (and clinically depressed) to talk about my life, let's peruse the Yahoo! news page and make some comments, eh?

The Taliban have freed some of the Korean hostages: close read this - "Meanwhile, U.S.-led coalition and Afghan forces killed more than 100 suspected Taliban insurgents in southern Afghanistan." Suspected. That's a strong word, eh? what a bargain - in exchange for the hostages, Korea promised to remove its troops from Afghanistan. Isn't that the best of both worlds? Get the hostages back, and get your soldiers back. stopping the Jesus flow - Korea promised to stop missionaries from working in Afghanistan, which it had assured before the hostage events. Now, knowing Koreans, particularly Korean missionaries, this is the most empty statement since the Idaho senator Larry Craig claimed that he isn't gay. funny thing about Idaho senators - just because I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old, how about the name of the other Republican senator from the great state of Idaho. Idaho, Crapo, what a great gag state.

The Two Year Anniversary Since Hurricane Katrina: picture it - Bush and Mayor Ray Nagin. Something about this shot seems really wrong. close read this #1 - "The day has also attracted a passel of politicians — President Bush chief among them. He and Laura Bush arrived Tuesday night and dined with Leah Chase, the Queen of Creole cooking, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees and musician Irvin Mayfield." Anyone else thinking that having an excellent dinner isn't really helping? When I read this, the first thing I thought of was "You're doing a great job, Brownie." close read this #2 - "Meanwhile, an international people's tribunal has been convened to take testimony from victims. The tribunal is being spearheaded by legal activists trying to build a case under international law accusing the United States of human rights abuses during and after Katrina." Is this really necessary? Sounds like a hippie plot. Sure, mistakes were made, and blunders continue...yet, this tribunal will only a. make the rest of the world hate us more and b. do absolutely nothing to the current administration. Attention, U.S. policy PR people, stop the hippies. if only this were true - "People are angry and they want to send a message to politicians that they want them to do more and do it faster," said the Rev. Marshall Truehill, a Baptist pastor and community activist. "Nobody's going to be partying." Unfortunately, there will be drunk white people partying on Bourbon Street. There's a great article in this week's Sports Illustrated which subtly portrays the huge difference in rebuilding efforts between white and black neighborhoods. The main problem lies in an obscenely racist division between rebuilt and rebuilt not. just not right - total amount dispersed to Katrina victims by the government = $96 billion. total amount spent on war in Iraq and Afghanistan in 2007 alone = ~$650 billion. moving at the speed of bureaucracy - the levees will be repaired by 2015. Eight years. Good luck.

Keith Richards is Mad: 56000 Swedes can't be wrong - Tabloids Expressen and Aftonbladet gave thumbs down to the Aug. 3 concert at Ullevi stadium in Goteborg, with Expressen suggesting Richards was "superdrunk" on stage. This riled up the 63 year old cadavar to the point that he wrote a letter saying that he wants an apology for the fans. "There were 56,000 people in Ullevi stadium who bought a ticket to our concert — and experienced a completely different show than the one you 'reviewed,'" the letter said. Delusional Corpses...that would make a great band name. write the truth - Keith wrote "How dare you cheapen the experience for them — and for the hundreds of thousands of other people across Sweden who weren't at Ullevi and have only your 'review' to go on.
"Write the truth. It was a good show." After writing these sentence, Keith promptly spontaneously combusted, leaving behind only a cloud of cocaine residue and completely lack of objectivity. line of the year - "It is Keith who should apologize. After all it costs around $145 to see a rock star who can hardly handle the (guitar) riff to 'Brown Sugar' any more." oh, Swedish snap!
Helmsley Dog Gets Millions: this bites - dog gets 12 million, two grandchildren get nothing. what did the grandchildren (or the parents of said grandchildren) do to get stiffed? the cryptic "reasons known to them" statement for why they were getting stiffed makes for an intriguing parlor game...what did you do to get written out of Helmsley's will? My vote, personally shitting on the dog.
Doctor Killed Beethovan: shake that lead out - Dr. Wawruch overdosed the composer with lead. the yawn sonata - why is this an interesting story? like, for instance, what if we found out that Benjamin Franklin got murderized by cyanide laced 16 year old girls? um, wait, that would be pretty cool, right?

one more...

Burning Man Torched Early: sincere response - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Take that hippies! Captain "I Want to Punch Him" - the arsonist looks like a douchebag. the decision making of hippies - "It was in plain sight of many people. Everyone is looking at it this morning, this big black figure in the sky and that wasn't supposed to burn, saying, 'Now what do we do?'" I imagine the crowd vocalizing a lot of "whoas" (think Keanu Reeves) and much scratching of unwashed white boy dreadlocks. seriously, what now? - they're rebuilding a pile of wood so that they can burn it again. yet, we can't get New Orleans habitable. fucking hippies.

thanks, you've been a great audience. you're beautiful.

Been awhile...ready for some football

2007-08-21T14:00:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes, SC readers...I've been gone for a while...and the world has changed...but before I recap, here's my first Fantasy Football team of the year.

QB Jon Kitna
WR Torry Holt
WR Randy Moss
WR Braylon Edwards
RB Larry Johnson
RB Clinton Portis
TE Antonio Gates
K Adam Vineteri
DEF Seattle

Bench
RB Marion Barber III
WR Jerricho Cotchery
QB Jay Cutler
WR Devery Henderson
TE Tony Scheffler
DEF Carolina

Yeah...I know. I can't believe this team was autodrafted. Such a well balanced team.