Foodie Fun in the Baltimore Sun

There’s a reason why I’ve gained twenty pounds since I’ve moved to Baltimore, and yes, it has a lot to do with my lack of any meaningful exercise other than the over-caffeinated leg tremors whilst seated that constitutes a fitness plan. I’m not going to bore you with the details of atrophied muscles, once ripply, now rollie (a.k.a. pollie), hidden under a layer of lipids lovingly hugging my body. Instead, I’d like to point the finger at an unknown fact about Baltimore: pretty good food.

Now, ole B-more isn’t a foodie’s Mecca, unless said foodie is a connoisseur of crabs, Natty Boh, or Berger cookies. That said there are many fine flavors to be experienced if you live in the city and don’t feel like trekking along I-95 to New York City, Philadelphia, or Washington D.C.. For fine dining, there is haute cuisine at the Brass Elephant on Charles St., where fine dining is paired with over-priced wine selections. You are sure to impress a date, especially if they’re used to your usual tasty restaurant excursions, BOP (Brick Oven Pizza) in Fell’s Point or Tamber’s near Johns Hopkins Homewood campus. If its Indian food you crave, why not head to Akbar’s in Mount Vernon or Mehek in Fell’s Point. Want some Afghan food? Go to the authentic-as-you-can-get the Helmand. Need some Korean? Get ye to the green awning-ed Nam Kang.

The list goes on. Every type of food, you can find a great representative in Baltimore…except for two staples that I miss. The quality of fried chicken in Baltimore is a sin. Awful breading, flavorless meat, dunked in grease nastiness abounds at most of the bulletproof glass establishments. Learn something from the Carolinas and franchise a Bojangles or something.

Second of all, where’s the awesome burrito joint? I mean, Chipotle will get you through the day, but there’s got to be a better Mexican restaurant in Baltimore. Sure, surrounding areas have good Latino joints, especially the under-rated place that’s near the Security Blvd. Mall near I-70, but we need an option that’s not one of the trendy Baja Fresh rip-offs. An aside: ELV and I walked into a Qdoba’s or Qbado’s…something with a Q, and were immediately assaulted with Avril blaring through the speakers. That should never happen. You should have some form of Latin music if you enter a fajita-eatery. You can blame Taco Bell for introducing pop music to your taco eating experience, but it has to stop. There are few things more annoying that eating an “ethnic” food while listening to American music. It’s just jarring. Much like being in Seoul, having a slice of surprisingly good pizza, and listening to Korean pop. It is plain wrong, people. Keep your cultures consistent. I don’t want to eat sushi while listening to C + C Music Factory, ok?

I digress: suppose you don’t want to eat out. Well, if you want to eat quality, there are plenty of fine groceries and food suppliers to check out…but the list is too long to delve into now, and so I leave you with a how-to for the best Caprese Sandwich…ever.

• Fresh Mozzarella: get it from the Ceriello’s at Belvedere Square Market. They make it fresh several times a day and it’s packed in brine. Don’t buy fresh mozzarella anywhere else because it isn’t fresh.
• Basil: Farmer’s Market (either Waverly or the I-83 underpass), but then again, I really like the Wegman’s packed basil…much fresher than Superfresh and the like.
• Tomatoes: So ELV got some incredible tomatoes at the farmer’s market one weekend, but since then (about three weeks ago), they haven’t been so nice (still green, smaller, less flavorful). I’ll just say that you should get juicy, ripe tomatoes, preferably non-roma.
• Olive Oil: Always unfiltered, for the flavor…I’m using a bottle purchased at Agata & Valentina in New York City, but I’m sure you can find some at any gourmet market.
• Salt and Pepper: Sea salt, ground…and fresh ground black pepper. Don’t use the Mortons, please.
• Bread: We use ciabatta, but any crusty bread will do. Slice it up, douse with olive oil, and stick it in the oven to heat/crisp. The best bread comes from the farmer’s market cart from some baker. Awesome stuff.

Yeah…I eat two of these suckers on the weekend. See why I gain weight like a force-fed goose?

Ciao.