Friday, August 08, 2008

Awesome Game

Desktop Tower Defense...horribly addicting Flash game. More entertaining than most games out there...

http://www.handdrawngames.com/DesktopTD/game.asp

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

A month or so off the top...

Much like the restful Bill Simmons, I took some time off from the blog. Of course, his vacation was scheduled, taking time off from his lucrative position with ESPN to do what he used to do for free, while I took time off because I didn't feel like writing. There are many things harder than forcing yourself to write a blog post, but not many that I can procrastinate and forget to do.




So, here's a quick personal update: breaking news...we'll be having our reception at Geppi's Museum in Baltimore's Inner Harbor. That's right, we're moving the reception for a beautiful gothic parish house to "a journey through 250 years of American pop culture." The place is fantastic; a beautiful space right above the Camden Sports Legends museum, adjacent to Camden Yards, in the heart of downtown. The space has gorgeous wood flooring and the exhibits have something for all to see. I know that my boy Tobes is going to get a bit chubb rock from all the comic books.


OK, onto other things, primarily my proposition that this will be your central hub for all things making fun of the Ravens. That's right, I'm going to use my fandom to write about the Ravens season to absolutely kill the team. I'll watch the games, read up, and channel all my negativity into this blog.


Hmmm, Kyle Boller is the starting QB for the pre-season opener. Awesome. I'm excited to watch the game to see who gets injured and which chumps make some play that gives us some hope for the season...only to dash all dreams by Week 7.
Then again, it could be worse...you could be Bret Favre in the swamps of NY. Good luck going 6-10.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

What the world needs now is guns, more guns

As soon as I read the news blurb about the Supreme Court ruling that the Second Amendment protects the individual's right to have a gun in one's home, I ran over the the computer as fast as I could to blog up my ideas. That's right, Standardchuck readers, there are only a few topics (racism, stupidity, dumb sports things, Lyle Lovett) that make me drop everything to type out some e-words. Gun control is one of them, particularly when a conservative Supreme Court decides to legislate.

In the majority opinion, Justice Antonin "I hate freedom" Scalia "said the history of the 2nd Amendment shows its authors intended to protect the 'right of the people' as individuals to have weapons, both to defend themselves and their community." Thus, we now have a definite ruling by the Supreme Court that the Second Amendment specifically protects the rights of individuals to own and possess guns. This is a most disturbing turn of events, especially in light of the fact that this was the first time the high court has even overturned a gun ban on the basis of the second amendment.

The wording of the second Amendment is as follows: A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

This is a classic moment where there is a disconnect between the original intent of the Amendment and the current interpretation that the Supreme Court's conservative majority utilized to protect gun rights using the amendment. The key word for me seems to be militia, which is defined as "civilians trained as soldiers but not part of the regular army." The average gun owner is not a trained soldier. Simply going to a gun range and shooting at a target does not make you a soldier. Soldiers have duties to protect not only themselves and their immediate families, but also their country and their countries interest. The simple reduction of militia to meaning individual seems to be a huge, illogical linguistic jump. Last time I checked, militia was not a synonym for individual.

The frightening thing is that this landmark decision is the point which will lead to the expansion of gun rights in America. Even though Scalia threw in the point that the second amendment does not grant boundless freedoms, there will now be precedent set so that gun control legislation will be severely curtained. Just what the USA needed, more guns in homes, more guns in the hands of individuals, and more money pouring into the hands of anyone involved in the firearms buisness.

I am deeply saddened by the insistence of rational individuals who think that they are safer having a handgun in the home. Then again, first of all, I met and listened to Antonin Scalia, who has a great sense of humor. He's a nutbag. Second, I've lived all over the country and met many gun fans, of all different creeds and colors, and that should have convinced me that there is a lack of rational individuals in America.

Let the shoot out begin, wackos. Thanks, Edwards court.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

What Could Have Been...

June 18, 2008 - Los Angelas, California. It was a performance for the ages by the MVPs, and Kobe Bryant finally has his fourth ring. More importantly, Kevin Garnett has his first. The Lakers defeated the Detroit Pistons 92 - 87 at the Staples Center...

Today's Boston Globe has the front page story about the Celtics taking the NBA Finals series with their destruction of the Lakers 131-92. The two top scorers for the Celts were Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. However, the stories could have been different if not for the sequence of draft picking in 2007.

What if the envelopes for the top two picks of the draft had contained the Boston Celtics' logo? They deserved it, right? They tanked so many games to finish at 24-58. Looking at their roster at the time, the Celts highest paid players included Wally "double Z" Szczerbiack, Theo Ratliff, and Vin Baker. They earned Greg Oden or Kevin Durant.

So, instead, the cruel lottery balls of the NBA granted the Celtics the fifth pick. They trade it away to get Ray Allen. They then convince KG to come roost in the new Garden. The rest is history.

What if they had the first two picks? First they would have either had Oden's non-playing gimpy knees or Kevin Durant's pretty good year. Second, they would not have had Ray Allen. Third, I'm pretty sure that KG wouldn't want to come be apart of another rebuilding team. Fourth, you probably lose Paul Pierce. If he's still on the team at this time in our alternate NBA universe, he would be shout to any available news media outlet that he wants out of the NBA altogether, ready to run off with Starbury to the former USSR.

So, here's a possible starting five if they had the first pick: Rondo (G), West (G), Pierce (F), Jefferson (F), Perkins (C). Sub in Durant for West if they had the second pick. Expectation, 35-40 wins maybe?

Thank the bounce of the ping pong ball, Celtics fans.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Symbolic caring about the environment

http://blog.wired.com/wiredscience/2008/06/climate-change.html

Remember when Senators would argue about climate change then leave their offices to get into idling SUVs to go a few blocks to get their drink on? No? Well, it happened. I'm glad that America's getting serious (sort-of) about environmental issues. Go Democrat controlled Congress!!!

It's Over! Right?

So, apparently the Democratic primary is over...close to over...since Clinton lost the latest contest and Obama grabbed Fmr. President Jimmy Carter's endorsement. Additionally, Hillary has publicly stated that she wouldn't mind being VP on Obama's ticket.

Thank goodness it is over. Seriously, other than major politickheads, has anyone keep up with this ridiculousness?

Apparently Upper Deck has...

Look at how crappy Hillary looks on the right card...

That is all. I'm just glad that it is over, since the Democrats, as always, have been working to lose another race.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Happy 300th Post

Congratulations...me! This is the 300th Standardchuck post and I couldn't be happier. In fact, how about this:


Sure, the chart doesn't make much sense; um, the green bar keeps growing the farther right you get (insert joke about "relationship between conservatives and environmentalism, lack of"). Here's the explanation: Standardchuck the blog has gotten 440 hits today, 352 unique new visitors! Yeah, that's right, folks, I'm highly trafficked! Must be my wit. Must be the insightful writing. Must be the fact that I have a distinctive voice in the hustle and bustle of cyberspace.

Nope.

It is because I used a picture of a wallpaper that I found on google for a throw-away blog piece on soccer.

Yep, they're all coming to see this:


So, I'm going to pass on all those stats as if they were spins on Press Your Luck to the actual website that needs credit for the popular wallpaper:

http://www.lucas-wallpapers.com/

I'm guessing that they love soccer. And they're in Algeria. The system is down.

...


By the way, I miss Press Your Luck. I've tried to watch the Game Show Network's Whammy, and it just isn't the same. For some reason, I thought just now that the original Press Your Luck was hosted by Joe Penny of Jack and the Fat Man fame. Nope, it was Peter Tomarken. Peter is dead, long live Peter Tomarken. In honor of Peter Tomarken, below is a picture of Joe Penny.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Detact is one hell of a word

Nothing like trying to break a world record and having our balloon make a break for it without you.

Stupid balloons, always conspiring to destroy the dreams of the elderly.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/low/europe/7421435.stm

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Update: Pork and Beans missing references

Update: Happy Memorial Day! Placed the new links into the main body of the post...enjoy.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Weezer post (third edit)

A Scene by Scene reference guide to Weezer's 2008 video for "Pork and Beans"

Click here for a link to the video.


First off...the song is catchy, but the video is catchier, in the pop culture referencing fun that goes along with every great compilation collection. Like Rushdie's Satanic Verses or Joyce's Ulysses to ABC's LOST, the fun is finding all the references. I tried my best, labeled unknown references hoping that someone might supply them later. Additionally, I lost much of the interest trying to sequentially do the last part of the video, only noting two newer references. Enjoy.

Start with Brian Bell (guitar) at top left screen in the style of
Pachobel's Canon by JerryC FunTwo - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjA5faZF1A8

Bottom Left is Patrick Wilson (drums) and then Bottom Right is Rivers Cuomo.
The top right corner has Scott Shriner (bass), which then cuts to a guy with headphones (the Numa Numa guy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60og9gwKh1o), cutting back to Scott.

Cut to superimposed face on
Drama Prairie Dog - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHjFxJVeCQs
followed by a cut to
How the Dramatic Prairie Dog Was Born - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sochd9Xqlos

Cut to a flipping ninja guy falling down, which is a reference to Afro Ninja (thanks comment maker) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEtIoGQxqQs, and not Urban Ninja - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2kJZOfq7zk.

Cut to Rivers Cuomo surfing the web, cutting to Experiment #711, a reference to the Diet Coke + Mentos videos - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKoB0MHVBvM

A pair of safety googles are thrown to Sergeant Slaughter, in a nod to the National Fenslerfilm Council G.I. Joe PSA parodies, such as this one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAcg-kMC4QA

Cut back to the Diet Coke/Mentos, then pictures of Scott Shriner wearing different T-Shirts, based on the Guiness World Record for most t-shirts worn at one time - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6tlw-oPDBM

Some of the shirts that I could identify:
  • "I love shoes" white T
  • Blue Shirt
  • Experiment #711
  • Yellow with symbol
  • Blue with a bear symbol
  • A GOPHER shirt in the style of G.I. Joe
  • A shirt with a Banana (Peanut Butter Jelly Time - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8MDNFaGfT4)
  • A shirt saying Download Free MP3
  • Russian words on T
Cut back to Mentos/Diet Coke, then to the karate guy twirling a bo staff, then a cut to Chris Crocker singing the song in the style of the infamous Leave Britney Alone - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc

Cut to a Nintendo game screen that says "Crocker: All Your Pork and Beans Are Belong to Us!!" which is a copy of the "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" from the NES game Zero Wing - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qItugh-fFgg

Cut back to Mentos/Diet Coke, then a cut to one of the best stupid moments ever, the Miss Teen USA 2007, South Carolina answers a question - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww mixed with a lightsaber (references all over YouTube)

Cut to the guy seated dancing, enter Patrick Wilson, screen right, eating what appears to be cereal (reference), cutting abruptly to guy answering phone and Scott Shriner's head moving in screen left, cutting to guys doing to Soulja Boy dance - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vum3qgoh0x4 (apparently the white Soulja Boys - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZE2OzguWHo)

The screen pans to the Evolution of Dance Judson Laippley - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

Cut to "Chocolate Rain" Tay Zonday - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA

Cut to overhead shot of hands playing a keyboard, which cuts to image of K-Fed rocking out at the his home studio playing Popozao - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6RvngAZCcQ&feature=related

Then an image of Rivers Cuomo singing with Tay Zonday.

Cut to the chorus of the song written and performed on hands, like the Daft Hands video for Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2cYWfq--Nw

Which cuts to the parody of the Daft Bodies Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLYD_-A_X5E after which the helmets are lifted to reveal Scott Shriner and Brian Bell.

Cut to a continuation of the T-Shirts gag with Scott Shriner, ending with the final tally of "155 T-Shirts/ Sized Small - 10XL/ 4 Hours/ 100 Extra Pounds"

Cut to back to Mentos/Diet Coke with spinning fountain, cutting to Tay and Rivers continuing their duet, cutting to a girl on an armchair waving around her rainbow socks (Rainbow Socks Girl - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=embdtwW-sSE)

Cut to a continuation of the martial arts dude, this time fighting off three ninjas, ended with a cool Bruce Lee pose. Cut to Chris Crocker, then back to Mentos/Diet Coke.

Cut to Rivers Cuomo giving Chris Crocker a hug (maybe a reference to the popular Free Hugs video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4)

Cut back to the Mentos/Diet Coke, followed by continuation of the Daft Hands (No I Dont CAAAARE), then a cut to the Lyle Show "Shoes" song parody - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCF3ywukQYA&feature=user

Cut to Chris Crocker (again) wiping to a room filled with many of the characters dancing around the band, including some dancing babies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W4EBoQmWPs), some guy waving around a golf club (Star Wars Kid - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU), Patrick Wilson drumming with light sabers, the Daft Bodies, the guys doing the Soulja Boy, Tay Zonday, K-Fed in the background, some robotic things flying across the screen (ref?), the sneezing panda baby in background (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk), cutting to karate guy ripping off a ninja's mask to reveal a singing banana, its peanut butter jelly time - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8MDNFaGfT4.

Additionally, as there are rapid cuts everywhere, which I don't feel like documenting...there are two other references that I caught: there's the Will It Blend blender being operated by Miss South Carolina (Blendtec - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Loi731aUYrQ) and what appears to be Charlie the Unicorn in the prairie dog tank (Charlie the Unicorn - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus)

Friday, May 23, 2008

Tonight's Dinner

Mainly for my own benefit, considering that I'm about to fall over from a food coma...totally inspired by a recipe I read about from a cooking magazine while waiting in the Toyota Service Department. ELV and I cooked it, quick, easy, and awesomely tasty-licious.

  • Broiled Cod Filet (olive oil, peppercorn, salt) with Chimichurri Sauce
  • Fried Plantains (surprisingly easy, used Alton Brown's recipe found at foodnetwork.com)
  • Black Beans with Garlic, Green Pepper, and Savory Sauce (so delicious, mostly because it included MSG...gulp)

Foodie Fun in Baltimore, Part II (2008 edition)

So, I wrote a blog piece about a year ago entitled Foodie Fun in Baltimore. Since then, I've lost a few pounds but haven't stopped my exploration of great food. ELV and I have gotten to eat at some great places and have expanded our cooking repertoire in the last year. Additionally, I've got to update some of the things that I wrote about in the previous Foodie Fun post, especially since I've actually gotten reader feedback of the non-spam variation. Huzzah! I have a reader other than my good friend Kid W...this goes out to you, intrepid reader.

First up, recaps: I had a rant about fried chicken in the last food post. For the most part, I have not changed my opinion of the quality of Baltimore's version of sad looking chicken parts coated with flavorless batter and then fried. It is terrible. However, there was one place that I visited this year that has helped me cope with the terrible chicken wing purveyors in the 'More. Located in a small space on Greenmount Avenue's slightly scary run through Waverly is a restaurant called Darker Than Blue Cafe. Pictured on the right is the chef, Casey Jenkins, who produces wonderfully flavored dishes of home cooking comfort. His fried chicken has the two crucial elements that aren't found in most chicken box joints: a salty, satisfying crunch of a crust and juicy, flavorful meat. The breast meat (a huge test when it comes to fried chicken) was palatable, which is a complement. It reminded me of Two Sisters' Kitchen in Jackson, Mississippi, where I had my fried chicken epiphany as a 17 year old. Darker Than Blue came close to that feeling of elation, spreading a smile across my greasy lips as I remembered home.

Next recap: Mexican food. First of all, for the people who brought up Nacho Mama's (home of some of the saddest "mexican" fare ever) or Holy Frijoles (decent "mex" food but rivaling many, many Baltimore eateries for worst service ever) don't know what type of Mexican food I crave. There's a type of burrito that's out there where the ingredients are honest, fresh, and seasonal. The burrito composition is basic but well seasoned. The beans used are never over cooked or under-seasoned. The tortilla is steamed, not pressed between two warm pieces of iron. Most importantly, the burritoes explode with heat, flavor, intensity, and joy. Someone suggested Nino's Taco, which I will have to try next time I'm out near Reistertown. Still, I visited three or four small, hole in the wall places, mostly near the Eastern Avenue/down by the harbor area and were mostly disappointed. Yet, there was one place that made me sing was excitement...

Chicken Rico, on Eastern Avenue, is the type of chicken eatery that screams flavor. Their rotisserie style chicken reminds me a bit of Pollo Tropical in the Florida region, except without the flavor injection. The rub they use is light on the heat but still salty and satisfying. The best part of the meal at Chicken Rico, though, are the sides. Their plantains are usually stupendous. If you are more on the adventurous side (as I am) you have to try some of the menudo. A pungent dish of tripe, the barnyard taste can be off-putting for some, but the taste combination with the tomato/pepper sauce is simply awesome. Here's a review from the City Paper.

One more ax to grind: Dear purveyors at Joe Squared...why is everything so maddeningly inconsistent with you guys? After my hate filled experience with Joe Squared (see this pleasantly worded review that I previously wrote) I still admired their adventurous pizza toppings and their risotto offerings. On paper, they sound incredibly delicious. So, against my internal critical voice, I ordered from them...and it was great. I had a lamb sandwich, a great salad, and some adequate cheese bread. Next time I ordered, I got some risotto...which was terrible. Third times the charm, maybe? No...got the same lamb sandwich as the last time, and it was nearly inedible (rare lamb doesn't do it, nor does a 1 hour wait time for a 6pm order). I don't know which Joe Squared will show up...therefore, I'll just have to settle for Pizza Boli's or Papa Johns, because everything else in my neighborhood blows. I blame it on the horrible tastes of my art school neighbors.

OK...enough with the past, let's move to the future.

Crabs: Dismal news for crab harvesters on the Chesapeake...but if you want some amazing crab cakes, you've got to go to Faidley's at the Lexington Market. I'm ashamed that it took me this long to try a Faidley's crab cake (or to take advantage of the food shopping at Lexington Market). Their jumbo lump crab cakes are amazing...sweet giant lumps of crab, moist but not runny, bready but not oppressively starchy, perfectly fried and delicious (Look at that smile on my face, purely from crab cake goodness). It shames most of the more expensive seafood/tourist trap crab cakes that ring around the Inner Harbor. Also, if you're in the mood to be adventurous, they sell Muskrat during Muskrat season, perfect to work on your recipe for the Muskrat Cook-Off in Cambridge, MD.

Korean Food: So, I was a regular at Namkang for many months, averaging a visit a week until I just got tired of the place. Don't know what it is...maybe the lack of anonymity after frequenting a place. Well, there's a great place out by the H-Mart (Han Ah Reum Asian Supermarket) in Catonsville, an adjacent, huge, cafeteria style Korean restaurant. Serving over 120 choices, including sushi, the place is a bit overwhelming...and I can speak the language. However, step up, order off the three large overhead billboards, and wait for your number to pop up. You'll get authentically spiced Korean food. You know, most urban asian restaurants don't lay on the spice that would appease the native taste bud. No such guile at this place. I had a proper food sweat going with the Dukbokee (rice cakes, fish cakes, sweet hot pepper paste sauce) while the ELV (future Mrs. ELV-N) had a spicy Yukgehjang (spicy broth with brisket and veg). Great food, and it was inexpensive.

Pizza: Iggie's, located in Mt. Vernon, is home to some great Neapolitan style pies. Try the Funghi pizza, with mushroom ragu, leeks, mozzarella and goat cheese...if you don't like it, then, well, sucks to be you with your defective tongue. It's BYOB, so bring some beers.

Pet Peev: Since the indoor smoking ban on restaurants and bars, all the smokers have now moved outside to get their fume on. This makes it dangerous walking on a sidewalk because a> you've got angry smokers staring you down and b> you've got clouds of smoke coming from the displaced masses. I love walking into a restaurant and not having it completed choked with smoke...I just hate the smokers outside. Many peevs about it. If the door's open, you get the whiff. If you're sitting outside, trying to enjoy the air, forget about it, because someone, most likely a dour looking woman firing up a Salem 100, then spending most of the time just wafting it around while you're at a different table, trying not to remember how wonderful it was to smoke. It sucks, but can't change it...so I'll just complain about. Done.

Quick Hits:
  • Worst Beer I've Had In a Long Time: the wheat beers on tap at the Owl Bar, in the Belvedere. Amazingly, I had three different wheat/summer ales, and all three came out barely cold and just nasty skunked. Awful, but I was thirsty.
  • Best Place I Ate At this Calendar Year, Thus Far: Dukem, the Ethiopian joint on Maryland Ave. My goodness, it was spectacular. I mean, ridiculously good, right down to the coffee spiced with cardamon.
  • Best Pho: the former Ms Pho in the Security Mall up on Security Bvld. It's part of the Seoul Plaza failure, and I'm afraid that business at the location is going to force them to close. Seriously, it is never busy. They make a honest, solid pho and wonderful summer rolls. Sure, we've got Saigon Remembered for variety in rolls, but the Security Blvd place has a great summer roll AND some kick ass pho. I get the number one, large. Get it.
  • Worst Place I Ate At This Year: It has to be Zen West near the Senator Theatre. I love everything about Cafe Zen. Their take on tex-mex, though, is forgetable and, possibly, sinful. Not sinful like that chocolate cake is decadent, but sinful like the "chefs" ought to be in sack cloth, gnashing their teeth for such unimaginative, derivative, flavorless food. Their chili does not have enough spice. We tried their margaritas (ehhh, a C for "Chili's). We tried their pork (dry, heat lamped, brittle pieces of flesh that had the consistency of stringy sawdust) and something else completely unmemorable (though I distinctly remember it being left half picked at). We paid the same amount of money that you could spend getting twice as much food at Cafe Zen and really regretted the choice. Yet, there were tons of preppy families and business attired schmucks crowded around the bar and at the booths, getting their bland fajitas. I just don't get it. Why eat there when Cafe Zen is half filled? With Egyptian Pizza, Belvedere Square markets, Saigon Remembered, and even the Swallow at the Hollow within crawling distance?!!
  • Best Restaurant I Thought I Would Hate: The Yabba Pot. Everything about the Yabba Pot screams hippy. It's called the freakin' Yabba Pot. It's a poetry filled, vegan friendly, hemp clothed, world music spouting, beret encouraged joint that is all about slow food, organic food, vegetarian food. Yet, when you try their Chick-Un BBQ, their seaweed salad, or their plain and simple brown rice, you smile a little yourselves. I found myself tolerating spoken word poems and people extolling the virtues of animal liberation. I didn't mind the fact that Ian from High Fidelity could have walked in and I might have hugged him. It's good food.
OK...that's all for now. Happy Memorial Day Weekend everyone!

Thanks, military people, for your continual sacrifices. Screw the politicians and their ridiculous hyperbole. Come home safe.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The UEFA Cup: Manchester United vs Chelsea, First Half

Alright, since I posted stuff about the NBA, turnabout is fair play, right? So, here's some thoughts as I watch some of the UEFA Cup championship match between Manchester U against Chelsea.
  • It is half time...with the game tied at 1-1.
  • Have you ever watched a sport where announcing teams change at half time? The US broadcast is going from the English (?) announcing team to the ESPN Deportes group after the half. That would be like a team with Joe Buck during the MLB World Series changing to the John Madden.
  • There was an add for a Chelsea Megastore USA. There are enough soccer fans, let alone for one team, in the USA to justify a sales outpost? Do we have Los Angelas Laker Megastore - Seoul? Is there a New England Patriots megastore in Bangalore?
  • How can you soccer fans stand the flopping? It is like having a whole bunch of Vlade Divacs running around on a field, with random goals every once and a while. Speaking of Vlade, check out the vintage pic of Vlade and Bill Laimbeer.
  • If it is a champions league, why are there two teams from the same league (English Premier League) playing in the finals? Shouldn't it be the champion of each country's league that's in the Champion's League? Of course, we have a World Series...right...
  • Every cut away from the broadcast shows a UEFA cup symbol and a chorus singing out "Cham-pi-ons!!!" It is the most annoying sound clip since that crappy pasta commercial with a Andrea Bocelli song. I know, its like catnip for middle aged women, but it shouldn't be broadcast for anyone to hear it...treat it like porno and keep it secret, women!
I can't make it to half time. Seriously. Even the commercials are boring.

That's all. Go, Cristiano Ronaldo, the only name my American senses recognize, and that's only because I paid attention to Sports Illustrated. If only football linemen celebrated by taking off their shirts...or stewardesses...or cab drivers. Found this wallpaper online. It is fabulous.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

From the Castillian Blog

My personal favorite that wasn't included: "she's gone from suck to blow." For those of you unversed in the Mel Brooks oeuvre, that's not Star Wars...

http://www.dayofthejedi.com/articles/2008/04/top_10_sexually_suggestive.html

"Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!"

Monday, May 19, 2008

Game 7, Spurs at Hornets

OK, so, I'm gonna write thoughts about the game as it goes along, much like that sports guy on ESPN, except half as funny but twice as in touch with the non-Boston world.

9:33pm The NBA Cares just came on...there's 2:44 left in the second. Peja just hit a three, and Tony Parker just missed a free throw. How can you not hit a free throw? The audience looks like they've got a semi-white out condition. I hate white outs. Look at it to the left from this picture I found online. Kind of an eye sore.

9:35pm Is it just me or does this telecast really grate on the ears? Reggie Miller still has that annoying squeaky quality that makes me want to head butt a toddler. I hate the damned "Day-yo" chant on the New Orleans PA. I keep waiting to hear the "day-yo-oh-oh"...and never mind the all important daylight coming and me wanna go home. What the hell does the Day-O song have to do with Hornets and/or New Orleans?

9:38pm Oh, earlier, when I was just watching, there was a popcorn spill delay, which may be the stupidest delay in the history of the NBA since the spilled Spike Lee tears incident of 2002.

9:39pm Halftime interview with Manu...it is so endearing how he keeps ending his sentences with the word "Principessa."

9:44pm Barkley just lost 30 grand on a who's gonna mess up first verbally to Kenny Smith. Enunciation is so hard for the round mound of soundbites.

9:53pm This just in, Charles Barkley is proud of Jon Lester's no-hitter. Great line..."It should count as half a no hitter because its the Kansas City Royals"...thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, Barkley's here all night!

9:54pm I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to superimpose Manu Ginobili's head on a picture "Life Is Beautiful." I don't know dick about Photoshop...so, here's a mysterious Manu head! Look at it, I can't even erase cleanly.

9:56pm What the crap is the music coming off of this break? It's the NBA...you should play a country-fied Bon Jovi-esque song? Where's the Lil' Bow Wow (and he dates himself by adding the Lil')?

9:57pm I wonder who's aged worse: Tim Duncan or David Robinson? Was Robinson also so slow and old? Maybe Duncan just looks slow, because he facial looks like a turtle.

10:02pm Connie Hawkins watch...shades of the Hawk! Reggie and Marvelous are speaking fondly of Connie Hawkins...segued into a House of Paine advert. These guys are pros. I love this game!

10:04pm There's just a sense of inevitability with the Spurs, and the Hornets seem to just know that they're meant to lose. Even the crowd looks forlorn. It's funny how each of the game 7s from the Celtics game and the Lakers game have been a bit anti-climactic, eh? So it seems with this game.

10:08pm Tim Duncan just spent 17 minutes in the paint, dribbling, dribbling, dribbling...and missing. ... Usually I change the channels during commercials, but since I don't want to miss a Barkley-ism, I can't, and then I get the Yao Ming Red Cross ad. Nice to support the earthquake victims, but Yao Ming's gravatis voice sounds bored...he looks like Mike Myers when he was partnered with a mad as hell Kanye West during the Katrina telethon. How prophetic was Kanye's rant? George Bush does hate black people, and how quickly we forgot New Orleans. Wow, that got heavy, back to the game.

10:13pm David West is officially cold. I wish NBA telecasts could somehow magically transform the visual style to the NBA Jams style. I'd like to see 1040 degree slams on each possession. Timmy just got his fourth foul and is making his angry terrapin face. 10 point Spurs lead. DMX is on the PA...promptly making David West lose his mind up in here, offensive foul.

10:23pm The key to the Spurs victory tonight is the double team that the Spurs are implementing on Chris Paul. Great team D by the Spurs.

10:26pm 15 point lead at the end of the third. I'm viewing the Mike Myers Kanye West SNL skit and messing around with FaceBook. Yup, I'm bored with the game.

10:29pm Hancock preview...looks good, but in a bad sense. I don't know, it could be Wild Wild West suckage which ends up being a bit interesting, or it could be cool but ultimately forgetable. If I hear that Zune commercial song one...more...time...I will eat a stick of butter.

10:30pm Byron Scott with half of his voice destroyed from yelling sounds really similar to Reggie Miller.

10:34pm Jannero...Pargo... is taking over the game!

10:36pm Could the Mini Cooper commercial where the Mini is the flipper of the pinball game could be the stupidest commercial from Europe, which puts it in the running for stupid commercial in the world.

10:39pm Airball from Tim Duncan. Is there anything that brings me such glee as a star basketball player shooting an airball? I remember one of the best was when MJ shot a brilliant looking turnaround in the fourth quarter in a game against the Lakers...a shot that when it went up, I thought it was the end of the Lakers existence due to the pure beauty of MJ's athleticism...and it was an air ball. I remember clapping, jumping up, with a shout of laugh. Yes, a visceral reaction from an airball.

10:41pm Manu should rent out commercial sponsorship to his bald spot...maybe he should paint his bald spot (one of the funniest phone calls to Larry King...my hair grows).

10:48pm Jannero...Pargo...is still shooting?

10:58pm Pargo just beat Bruce Bowen on a jump ball. Pargo is the new Deshawn Stevenson. Pargo hits the three...3 point game.

11:02pm Live by the Pargo, die by the Pargo. Game over.

That is all...

Walk of Shame

There's a new advert on the TV currently for AMP Energy drink entitled "Walk of No Shame" that may be proof that pop culture is ruled by frat boys. Basically, the ad has various people singing about hooking up, walking home in last night's clothing and powering through the day with the help of a sugary caffeine beverage. All well and good, except why is this an acceptable commercial subject when our broadcast rules won't let movie dialogue contain "God Damn" or show a nipple?

The walk of shame has lost much of the negative connotation...just the fact that there's a commercial on network TV about it proves how the subject is not edgy. Additionally, in our modern, sexually "progressive" (arguable, since we Americans approach sex like we do alcohol consumption...bingingly, almost unnaturally) the morning after strut isn't a bad thing: "What is so damn wrong with getting your freak on and waiting until morning to venture back home?"

So, why is this topic being mined for humor? Two possible reasons...the first of which may be that we've forgotten what's funny in commercials. Since the 90's, advertising agencies have been aggressively pushing funny commercial ideas. It is rare, excluding car commercials, to see a non-humorous commercial that pushes either madcap or absurd premises. Take, for instance, the ridiculous Bud Light "Now Comes With" superpowers commercials to see how nonsensical commercials can be in the pursuit of the desired laugh.

Second, and more serious in my opinion, is that there are too many frat boys running amok out there on Madison Avenue. What? That seems like a logical jump, but bear with me: Fraternities, in general, are populated with young men who go on to many successful careers. These men are also part of an establishment that is overwhelming misogynistic and sexist. Before you frat boys flood me with angry entreaties that they are service organizations, let's get to the point...you're guys, you love sex, and you love alcohol. Much of the humor that comes from the frat mindset (and you don't have to be a frat brother to have the frat mindset) originate from their love of sex and alcohol. Out of this boozy cauldron of tits, testosterone and irresponsibility comes the Walk of Shame joke. Now, the frat boys grow up, graduate, marry, and get a great job as an ad exec at BBDO in New York, and your client wants to reach college kids with another Red Bull rip-off. What do you do? You naturally pitch what you know.

This is dangerous people. Society is already stupid (see the popularity of Tela Tequila or Flavor Flav as irrefutable proof)...do we need frat boys ruling our airwaves? What's next: Kebler Elves sell the ookie-cookie? American Apparel line designed to appeal to beer pong players?

I remember doing the walks where the sun feels just a little too bright and your clothes feel incredibly inappropriate...doesn't make me want to drink an AMP. You fail, frat boy, I'm sure you'll try again.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Separating the Arguments: Gay Marriage

So, I'm working on a rather bulky essay on gay marriage and civil rights and I wanted to write a quick blog position piece on the gay marriage issue.

As you may know, the California State Supreme Court basically legalized gay marriage in California. The turn of events has been met with the cheers of civil rights activists and the outrage of Christians. There is now more vocal calls for constitutional amendments that define marriage.

From my understanding, there are three groups: 1/3 of us think that gays have the right to get married, 1/3 don't think gays should be allowed to get married, and 1/3 believe that gays have the right for partnership but not marriage. Unfortunately, the issue isn't as simple as a title, as marriage carries with it many different federal rights and legal protections that aren't available in limited partnerships or civil unions.

In fact, many scholars have pushed forth the arguments that preventing gay marriage sound eerily familiar with arguments against interracial marriages.
  • http://hnn.us/articles/4708.html
  • http://www.vtfreetomarry.org/pfds/Arguments_Against_Interracial_Marriage_and_Equal_Marriage.pdf
  • http://academic.udayton.edu/race/04needs/s98alouis.htm
In this small sampling of articles, you can see that the primary objections have not changed and that the root cause of the objections is that there is a moral opposition to gay/interracial unions.

I think that there needs to be a distinction made by Americans between denying a person's "rightness" versus denying a person's rights. Morally, we may be opposed to some one's opinions or lifestyle (for instance, having a problem with a promiscuous lifestyle, or having a problem with someone who believes blacks are better than whites) but that does not mean society has the right to restrict someone from their civil rights. You cannot beat, maim, or kill anyone who you have a serious disagreement with. Additionally, you do not have the right to remove someone from their house over a philosophical issue, or to fire someone because of a racial distinction.

By placing marriage in the domain of a protected civil right, the California court system now has established that marriage is not something that can be denied to individuals. Good. Now, we can focus the debate on the morality of an issue rather than using the illogical route of denying people inalienable rights because we disagree with them on a moral or religious issue.

Therefore, I think that we need to separate the arguments swirling around gay marriage. If you have a problem with homosexuality, then that is a moral issue that you need to deal with...however, don't seek to legislate your morality in our society by denigrating the inherent humanity of every citizen in our great country. Marriage is a social institution (no longer religious, but you can have a separate but equal religious institution of marriage, if you like) and as a society, it is illogical and immoral to prevent individuals from having equal protection under the letter of our law.

And now, I jump off the soap box for today.

What Did Chamberlain Do?

This was absolutely hilarious...saw it on Morning Joe this morning...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=d1wSZBTAXRs&feature=related
The action starts at 2:15...wait for it.
This dude named Kevin James (not the obese, unfunny comedian) is stridently anti-Obama. Good on you, Mr. James. Unfortunately, don't try to smear using history when you can't answer the question...I love hearing "I Don't Know" at the end of this ridiculous debate.

Seriously, repeat What Did He Do all day...and I'll just say energize and legitamize. It's the latest craze!

Here's the Drudge Report Link and another link to a message board:

http://www.drudge.com/news/107830/did-chamberlain-do

http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-134560.0.html

Sports Update

The UEFA Cup Championship is between Manchester United and Chelsea. I just saw a preview for it on the "telly" watching Sportscenter. I wish I had some crisps and a nice cuppa.

What is the ratings expectation for that soccer match in the US? Can it be beaten by a regular season NBA telecast? Could it be beaten by the attendance at a Florida Marlins home game?
-----
Is the alley-oop really the most exciting play in basketball? What's more exciting, a three pointer or a slam dunk? Could you objectively list the relative "best play" between different sports? Take away personal fandom (personally, I could give a flying mullet about hockey), but there seems to be an extra athleticism involved in an acrobatic catch in the outfield of a baseball game compared a lucky shot from half court or (YAWN) an alley oop. The Chris Paul to Tyson Chandler alley oop, which has happened in every single Spurs Hornets game this round of the interminable NBA playoff season, is great, but is it really a top play if it is a routine play?
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Does a team deserve a second look because of player composition? Explaining...I hate the Boston Celtics. I hated the Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, Robert Parish era of Celtic Nation during the epic Lakers rivalry years. I just hated the smugness of the players and the ridiculous loutishness of Celtic fans. You can see the same kind of fandom in current Patriots fans. I can't extend that hatred to Red Sox fans because they were extremely long suffering (I love you too, Cubs fans). However, the current Celtics aren't Celtics, really. KG and Jesus Shuttleworth are from somewhere else. So's Cassell, who'll always be a T-wolf to me. Paul Pierce got so much crap from Celtic fans that I really root for him, just because I want to hear C's fans extol the virtue of Pierce after bashing him during those Antoine Walker duo years.

Come on, the Celtics coach is Doc Rivers, who will always be remembered by me as an Atlanta Hawk, which has repercussions of failure and general suckiness that extend far beyond one's playing days. Other than Hank Aaron, has any retired Atlanta sports star done well in the public eye? Where have you gone, Dale Murphy? Why do you still sound like an idiot, Prime Time? 'Nique ain't nothing now, is he?

Win or lose, these Celtics aren't home grown C's...or home loved C's. They're a collection of people who I think are emblems of other towns. Like the Yankees of the 2000's, these Celts aren't locked to the region. They're just a super group, like Damn Yankees, and that's it.
-----
Who was better, Luc Longley or Kurt Rambis?
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I'm sorry for not posting any images, but I don't feel like scrolling using the Blogger tool. Why not allow for cut paste options. Hold on, let's try:

Nope, doesn't work.

That's enough, later.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Vindication

This is the first time that I've had to say thanks to a major company, but LiveNation, the promoter of the Radiohead debacle at the Nissan Pavillion, is going to give us tickets to the Radiohead show in August. Awesome. It is in Camden. Bummer.

Greetings from beautiful Camden, New Jersey.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Radiohead, Sunday, Rain

Radiohead - One of the best bands to see live, mostly because I love their music. When I say love, I don't mean it in the normal hyperbole that we utilize in our modern vocabularies. I mean it in the all-consuming, having to own every single Maxi single and a hard drive filled with concert mp3s, type of love that some of us crazies have about pop culture icons. Radiohead to me is the Pearl Jam of my pal Mikey (who owns thousands of dollars worth of CDs that have not been opened from the factory sealed plastic wrap, and a duplicate set opened and aurally enjoyed) or the Wes Anderson for my friend C-Low (who owns something like 20 copies of Royal Tenenbaums, each different releases for different countries). It isn't hyperbole that I was absolutely excited to be seeing Radiohead again.

Nissan Pavillion - The location of the concert Sunday. Located at 7800 Cellar Door Dr in Bristow, Virginia. Out in the boonies of Northern Virginia. Right next to the Manassas Battlefield. Only accessible by driving on Lee Highway (a four lane, no streetlight nightmare) or I-66 (a boring old 8 lane highway.). I'm assuming that under normal conditions, Nissan Pavillion isn't hell.

Time - The doors will open at 7:30pm with an opening set by the Liars. That means Radiohead will probably be on at 9pm, right? OK, we'll depart at 5pm from Baltimore. That's two and a half hours to drive less than 100 miles. I'm assuming that we will miss the Liars set, get at the Pavillion to soak in the storm water and eat some crappy venue food. We're on the road, and immediately I can tell that this is going to be bad.

Storm Traffic, part one, rant one - Why is it that when there is any sort of precipitation, people the world around transform into two types of lesser living beings. The first type, the most prevalent, is the drive that believes that driving has become infinitely harder and will go twenty to thirty miles below the posted speed, in the LEFT LANES, and goddamn everyone else behind. In a town that has eight lane highways, that means that there are plenty of right side, slower traffic lanes that the scared may travel upon. Of course, they are competing for stupidity points with the second type, the I don't give a rat's ass that I'm decreasing visibility for everyone else behind me, I'm going to go as fast as I can while driving a SEMI-TRUCK. Yo, our wonderful transportators of fruit and tires, I know you guys have a hard job sitting in your cab, jerking off to VHS tapes or listening to George Jones, but remember, your vehicles kill a lot of us little people. Oh, and SUV people, same goes for you.

All sanity left the drivers to I-95 North at 5:30pm, who decided that the 495 west intersection was really, really difficult in the rain and so decided to go bumper to bumper at least 10-15 miles away from the junction. Was it an accident? No, it was just the general, run of the mill stupidity that is the capital beltway. Once on 495, it was the same, stupid slow down at ANY on-ramp or exit ramp, because merging becomes the most taxing event for some of these people.

My guess, maybe they were all celebrating their mothers and decided act infantile. On the road, we saw every form of inconsiderate driving, primarily the bastards who would take the passing lane just to move up to the front of the line of cars waiting for an exit. You do realize that you, YOU, are the reason for the slow down? The line of cars waiting would move at a normal fashion if it weren't for you complete and utter assholes. This is the reason why systematic road rage ought to be allowed, because if the state is not going to weed away the bad drivers by blocking them access to multiple ton, motorized killing machines, then natural selection needs to be instituted! Mad Max, people!

A Stop for Gas - OK, so we finally got on I-66, leaving us only a twenty mile drive to get to the concert...and it is 7:30pm. We'll make it to the show to see Radiohead. Let's get some gas.

At the station, downpour, a pick-up truck parks at the pump and disgorges three good ol' boys. Two head into the store to get their Mountain Dews while one guy who comes of our central casting for redneck stands and pumps. That isn't fair...stereotyping just because he's covered in denim and he's got a beard of red and he's got the ponytail sticking out from under the camoflauge hat and the hearty, Cracker Barrel belly...I mean he could be Mario Batali. Then, as I'm watching, he heads into the rain to go to the rear of his truck. There's a flag attached to the rear bumper and as he lovingly stretches out the soaked rag to reveal the stars and bars. Ahh, the confederate flag.

I hope he got home safely that night. I hope he's home with this home-made wine and his shotgun and his 45. I hope his toothless girlfriend/common law wife was too tired to make tender (...love? chicken tenders?) because she was scampering around chasing after their brood of Sam's Choice fed bastards. I hope he got to lay his head down and thank his caucasian god, all the great things in his life, like Bar-B-Que flavored Skoal or Pimp My Truck, when the roof collapsed on his trailer. Maybe I'll get to read a newspaper story about the death of him and his kind. Just maybe.

I digress...it was a pretty confederate flag.

Storm Traffic, Part Two - The next part of our journey was the saddest part of the journey. Until 11pm or so, three hours, we basically circled the area near the concert venue. Due to a confluence of road work, flooding, poor lighting, bad directions, blown over detour signs, uncommunicative damp police officers, angry fellow drivers, and general bad luck, we were stuck circling Jericho for hours. It was maddening. Tobes, my pal, and I played a game for hours to keep me from recreating Falling Down.

The Game - A fun game, involving movie information in a tennis volley type of system. One person serves by naming an actor. The opponent must name a movie that actor was in and then name a co-star from the movie. Back and forth until one is stumped.

Player 1: Harvey Keitel
Player 2: Pulp Fiction, Samuel L. Jackson
Player 1: The Incredibles, Craig T. Nelson

Let's say Player 2 is stumped on Craig T Nelson, then Player 1 must PROVE IT. If Player one says Blades of Glory, Will Ferrell, then player one wins. If Player One cannot prove it, then they serve and no point is awarded.

Fun game for movie buffs...but for five hours? Who does that? Tobes and I do that.

Storm Traffic, part three - By the time we get to Nissan Pavillion, around 11pm, we are told to turn around and go home. The parking lot is flooded and we cannot go to the show. Never mind that there were other spaces that we could have parked at and walked to the gates. They wouldn't allow that, mostly because the venue is in the blighted boonies and have no paved sidewalks. I'm sure there were liability issues that LiveNation (the promoter) wasn't able to write up to have their asses covered, since they were able to worm out of any sort of care or concern by emblazening their tickets with RAIN OR SHINE; if they could have gotten away with "Not responsible for injury resulting from walking to the show since all parking lots are water logged and we have no backup plan to transport fans who paid money to see a show only to cruise around the show's venue without being allowed to leave their car to actually see a f-ing show" they would have.

So, we were told by cops to go home. By the way, thank you, Mr policeman, who signaled, order, harassed me to hurriedly turn left into a one-lane area that almost had two cars slam into me. That precisely the type of coordination that's needed during storm situations...three cops telling three different cars to GO ALREADY into one tight lane. Potential accident averted because I got scared and crawled through the intersection.

The Journey Home - We got home at 1:30am. That's right, an eight hour + journey to Bristow Virginia to see nothing, hear nothing.

Sidenote, The Double T Diner on Highway 40 - Gyros are not supposed to taste so Spam-my.

The Kick in the Pants - Radiohead played a great, 24 song set. People who attended attest that the event sucked from a doused standpoint, but the set, songs, and performance were great. Colin wrote on Dead Air Space (the official Radiohead website):

To everyone who made it, and put up with the torrents on the lawn, and came early to catch the Liars and our show, thank you so much for braving the deluge. I hope you heard what you came for, the music and lights diverting you from the wet. We got out of there around three am, and the pic shows Jonny waiting in the loading bay whilst the water streams across the tarmac. We've had floods at Bull Creek, lightning at the RFK stadium, so there must be some kind of Biblical fix between us and DC. Frogs next time?

That doesn't make me feel good. No mention of the ones who were stuck outside, in their cars, not in the rain. Well, now here's this today:

Due to Sunday night's torrential rain storm and consequential multiple road closures, many fans were unable to reach the Nissan Pavilion. While acknowledging a lack of control over the ensuing flooding and detours, the members of Radiohead are nevertheless disappointed regarding this turn of events. For further inquiries, ticketholders who didn't get in are urged to contact: customerservice@nissanpavilion.com

I've contacted, folks...and I'll keep you updated.

THE END

Friday, May 09, 2008

This is awesome

It's the Weekend, the weekend

We've got a big'un this weekend. Up first, a social get together in Federal Hill (plus some baking). Saturday, the wedding phenomenon of the summer for my buddy JK and his Dr. Mel. They're having it at the American Visionary Art Museum, which promises to be a unique experience. Sunday, RADIOHEAD!!! Saw them several years back and Thom plus crew put on a great show.

If you are in the area, come on by Saturday and Sunday to 2940 Guilford Ave from 10am - 4pm for ELV and co. GREAT BIG LOAD OF MOVING STUFF sale. I've donated some items (two printers without cables, a semi functional microwave, a Gorilla practice amp, some PS2 games, etc etc etc) and we'll be on-site at least for the mornings.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Speed Typer

So, StandardChuck readers (I can't believe there are any of you left after I abandoned this page) here's an amusing story to tide you over. Well, not a story as much a tidbit. Well, something tidbit-ish...

I missed a movie (Iron Man, specifically) because I stepped in dog crap.

Yeah, that's right, I just Tarantino'd ya'll by telling you the ending. I guess I could go more esoteric on you by simply recreating a voicemail that I left on my pal Tobe's cell phone ("I'm at the theatre, there are two showings, I don't know which one you guys are in, but it doesn't matter, because I stepped in crap. The crap smells like vomit. I'm going home.")

Back it up. First scene, calling Tobes because we're both movie nerds. Sure, he could watch any drivel with things exploding (i.e. those FiOS commercials with Michael Bay..."awesome grill.") and not have one major critical problem, but still, who better to watch a movie with than someone who actually loves watching them...as opposed to those who go for the popcorn (e.g. me) or those who go to snog, or mack, or schtuck, according to the parlance of our times.

Anyway, we're going to go see the movie...at 9:20pm. Great, enough time for the ELV and I to get some dinner at my place. We're cooking...then eating...when we get a call at 8:40 that the movie is actually at 9:10. Crap-hole, that's what I get for thinking I can make a 30 minute drive in a 35 minute window. Anyway, we run out to the car and make our way up to White Marsh.

As we drive, ELV keeps sniffing around like she's got a beat on some brie. Sorry, baby, not implying that you are mouse-like...more an admission that I love brie and have the cheese on the brain. Anyway, she keeps asking variations of "do you smell vomit?" I reply that I don't, mostly because I've got the impacted nostrils of allergy fun. Well sniff away my bride-to-be does, and finally she uncovers (after we turn the car's vent system to the feet areas) that I must have stepped in something.

We get out of the car in the movie theatre parking lot, and lo and behold, I've got some gooey organic mass on the bottom of my...gulp...right sandal.

That's right, crappy crap. Tried rubbing it out on the grass, no luck. It is like some messed up crap epoxy that Elmers decided to test out on my tooties. Maybe it came from a dog who had some rotten chewing gum stuck in it inside butt (a great new referential name for your internal gastrointestinal track...inside butt...thanks, ELV).

Anyway, that vomit smelling crap inspired me to miss a movie that I actually wanted to see.

So, cut to interior of Barnes and Nobles. I walk into the men's room. Enter stall with paper towels, intending on scrapping it off. As soon as the paper disturbs the crap, a wave of vomit ass strikes me in the nostril, at which point I gag like (insert fellatio job).

Right, sucks.

I walk out of the stall, looking ill. Guy walks into the bathroom. As I approach, I realize that I've got some of the crap on my finger. Another gag while making eye contact with the just-walked-in guy.

So, what would you do if you saw an asian dude walking and looking at you, gagging?

Yup, he walked out of there...post-haste.

And, that, my friends, was a Friday night in Chuck land.

Monday, March 17, 2008

3 Months...

I'm sorry Standardchuck...I've thought about posting so many times. I even envisioned a complete overhaul, with a nifty new banner and improved user interfaces...but instead, I just thought with guilt that there's nothing to write about. Well, here's some news.

The lady ELV and I got engaged today. We're gonna get married.

More news later. Hopefully more posts someday too.

Love, SC

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Death (or Dearth) of Writing

So, last night, lying on my couch drifting to sleep, I came to a most important conclusion: I am not a writer. In the midst of planning out the new StandardChuck, a new shiny blog filled with ample content that would repeat weekly like "Me Mondays" or "Science Fridays" (sorry for the potential plagerization, Ira Flatow), I began to realize something that caused alarm...just thinking about writing something consistantly, week after week, month after month, filled me with malaise...I was dreading the writing even before I had started the first one! There's laziness and then there is bone-lazy, sad-sacked, molasses thick, rim-rattling idleness.

Here's my new maxim: I will write when I write and never shall I be known as a goodish-like writer, and what-not.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

From Kissing Suzy Kolber

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/12/you-can.html

You fools! Do you really think the next guy you hire will have the insanely huge ego to deal with those assholes in the locker room? Only the Bri has the brains, and the hair, to make that happen! Idiots! Only I know the secret to preventing Lewis from killing again. And there's no way I'm telling you now! That's your punishment for thinking you could go behind my back, or in front of my back, and fire me!You know naught what you hath wrought, Ravens. I hope you like wearing chain mail.