- Mission Unaccomplished: The Iraqi government has failed to meet the vast majority of political and military goals laid out by lawmakers to assess President Bush's Iraq war strategy, congressional auditors have determined. what went wrong - 13 of the 18 benchmarks failed. I couldn't find any of the specific benchmark, but I'm thinking a few of them might be "Iraqi government will be able to build a functional coalition of different cultural groups in Iraq," "Iraqi government will take over policing functions in Iraq," and "Iraqi government will grow a set." (that's the best I can do. Other options involved replacing halal meat with McDonalds, stopping indoor soccer, or playing dress up with Saddam Hussein's corpse...ohhh, let's go with that one) playing unfair - The officials argued "that Congress ordered the GAO to use unfair, 'all or nothing' standards when compiling the document." No wiggle room. Those congressional Democrats are taking away everything that makes American politics functional! No wiggle room, no shades of gray, no hemming and hawing. Next thing you know, there'll be no out and out lying allowed ("I am not gay" from the bathroom sex soliciting Idaho senator or "quack quack quack" from the vice-president). leave the boy and the oil - one of the major aims was that the Iraqi government needed to pass a oil law. Right. "There is looting in the street, people are dying everywhere, each roadway is littered with jury-rigged bombs, but your first priority better be giving Exxon a good deal on crude, Habib!" the law of average - one of the major talking points from the conservative and military establishments is to say that the standards are too strict. "At the Pentagon, spokesman Geoff Morrell previewed the administration's response to the GAO report, comparing it unfavorably to the July findings. 'The standard the GAO has set is far more stringent," he told reporters. "Some might argue it's impossible to meet.'" In other words, don't use the AP rubric for the short bus kids. Don't you know that you need to relax the standards when you're not up to snuff? It's not fair... close read this - Morrell said Bush's top military advisers, including Gates, would give the president their opinions "directly and in an unvarnished way." Using my crystal here's how it will come out, "you're doing great, we're winning the war, now go outside and clear the weeds of the Rose Garden."
- US sprinter Gay wins men's 200m world title: double gay - he won the 100m also. That's a rare sprint double. Rare sprint double...sounds like a good title for a CD (hint, hint, men of Death Cab For Cutie).
- Suits filed against Lil' Wayne: OMG money! - "A woman has filed a lawsuit alleging she was trampled by a frenzied crowd after a large amount of cash was thrown into the crowd during a concert by rapper Lil' Wayne at Morgan State University last October." Just another example of when "MAKING IT RAIN" goes bad. money and baltimore don't mix - "either Lil' Wayne or members of his entourage — threw money into the crowd during the rapper's performance" in BALTIMORE. Drop a twenty on the street in Hampden and you'll have a pile of toothless wonders trampling you. That's 20 keno plays, playa! Also, Lil' Wayne needs to chastise his entourage for spending the Fiji Water money. Seriously. the big time - "Lil' Wayne was the opening act for Busta Rhymes at the concert. Lil' Wayne and rapper Ja Rule were charged with felony handgun violations after a concert in Manhattan last month." When did Busta Rhymes become placed at the same level as Lil' Wayne and (laughing) Ja Rule?!! Busta spit ferocious lines (anyone remember "Scenario" with Tribe Called Quest?). Ja Rule sang with J. Lo, using lines like "I got my boyfriend...nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah." Ja Rule sucks. Lil' Wayne needs to make it rain to start a brawl. Busta just needed to do the dungeon dragon "Rawlll" and dudes would be trampling women, for sure.
- No more tag in Colorado: file this under the "hippie parents taking away everything fun from their children." don't tag me while i'm sipping my mochalatte - "An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will." That was the fun of tag. Freakin' whiny children need to do what all the other "non-contact-ers" used to do when I was in elementary school, go play on the swings, or go sit against the wall and play. Don't stand around and make yourself a tag-ee then complain to the teachers when you get swatted. This is just another sickening example of coddling. How much you want to bet that this is a predominantly white school? running aimlessly is still O.K. - "Running games are still allowed as long as students don't chase each other." rightttttt, just run around. we should just put the children through force marches for an hour to get the sillies out of them. conflict is bad - "School officials said the move encouraged more students to play games and helped reduce playground squabbles." School officials also said that they were guided in their decisions by the influential book "How to Raise Chicken-Shit Children."
finally...
- Egypt: Belgian diplomats damaged fossils: it was bumpy - Egyptian authorities have accused Belgian diplomats of damaging a 40 million-year-old whale fossil when they allegedly drove over the remains in a protected desert area, an official said Monday. rules don't apply to the belgish - the diplomats in four-wheel-drive vehicles ran over the fossil in July after ignoring signs warning visitors not to drive in the Wadi el-Hitan, or Valley of the Whales, protected area and UNESCO World Heritage site located about 93 miles outside of Cairo.
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