The next few days...

Here we go...

Leaving for Paris. Going for my boy's wedding to be a best man.

I'll bring some lactaid and prepare to feel insulted by hopelessly chic bastards.

Yeehaw.

Listening to Eddie Murphy Raw. Brilliant.

Sucky Post #4

Took the MCAT. The toughest experience in my academic life. Simply grueling.

Slept for many hours afterwards.

Tomorrow back to work (spring break is dead. long live spring break).

Thursday off to Paris.

Concise and dull: being creative is difficult.

Ear infection, MCAT, and KG

Got an ear infection. Itchy inner ear affecting the quality of noises, I'm resisting the urge to insert something sharp and pointy into my ear canal.

Taking the MCATs tomorrow. Thanks to Law-Dog Dan for the advice to relax tonight. Apparently studying like a fool the night before the exam is not a great notion. So tonight, ELV and I dine on prime rib.

Had a party. The infamous KG showed up and brought a bit of chaos with him. From the oompah-loompah dance to the garlic chopping battle, KG certainly livens-up any room. You my boy, KG...

swear that the next time, it will last longer...

exhausted...drove for most of the day through the slight slopes of Virginia and North Carolina.

remembered how good Bojangles prepares their fried chickens.

listened to alot of satellite radio.

had a party Saturday. more on that soon.

taking the mcats saturday.

sorry for these un-fun blurbs, i'll be better prepared soon enough.

"I Want to Take His Face...OFF"

It has finally happened. China is now ready to take over the world, and all my argument against China (labelled by the liberal media as "paranoid ramblings of a semi-coherent parakeet," which I think is a misprint of the word "patriot") are now coming true. Back in December, I pointed out the various attributes of the Chinese people that shot them folks in a direct trajectory toward fighting a war with the United States. In addition to the vast population, serious martial art skills, throwing stars, high aptitude for producing high-decibal shrieks (now being used as a possible disarming technique), and their lasers; I told you that these diabolical China-men are working on nefarious plots to covertly infiltrate and subjugate our American shores. For more information, go to Google, type in "china is the devil," and click the Feeling Lucky button.



Well, here's the proof. The Chinese are using evil plots from crappy movies for their new espionage program. Taking a tip from the feature film "Face/Off" (directed by John Woo...yup, WOO), the chinese have performed the first face transplant. According to a CNN report, a man who was disfigured after being attacked by a bear has become the first in China to have a face transplant, a hospital in the country has announced.


First off, everyone knows that there are no bears in China. Second of all, bears don't rip off human faces. Thirdly, the man was give a new cheek, upper lip and nose from a single donor. See, now, here's the point. They're gonna send over this fellow, as a spy, and we're not going to know who he is. I can image the board guarding guy going "you know, this fellow looks like a hunter from the southwest province of Yunnan, but then again he hast eh cheek, upper lip, and nose of a schoolteacher from the northeast province of Nunyan." Being thus confused, this guy is going to waltz in with his crazy face to do God knows what in our country.
What should we have done about this? First off, we should have killed all the French. They pioneered this technology. Some bitch in France bit the face off her owner, and so the owner, Isabelle Dinoire, got new lips, chin and nose. As you can see from the image to the left, you can't really tell that this woman is composite of multiple people. Though not perfect, its still better than the surgical proceedings before the Frenchies got their cheese coated hands on it (to the right, an unfortunate woman who was attacked by her pet wolverine in the days before face transplants). Second, we need to send more bears. More bears to attack more Chinese. The chinese government would become so preoccupied with bears that they would cease for a while their other pasttimes, like killing intellectuals and raping freedom. Oh, that and enjoying preferred nation status from the US government and raking in the cashola while ensuring that the environmental condition of mainland china will be one of the heaviest contributors of industrial heavy metal runoff as well as key greenhouse contributing gases. Maybe they'll stop running over people with tanks if we sent more bears. Thirdly, we need to kill Nicholas Cage and John Travolta. They make Face/Off. They're scientologists. They should be eliminated. Finally, we need robots. Lots of robots with picture memory. When you try to enter America, you're picture has to be recognized by the robots. If you've had face transplants, the robots will be confused. With confusion, comes laser beams and flying detachable fists. Thus, robots will protect us from face-altering communists. Only then will we truly be safe. In closing, I'd like to say to the 1 billion Chinese people that though some of you are decent, good people, for the most part, I believe you're all killers waiting to destroy freedom cause you hate freedom, and you want to make baby Jesus cry. Well, if you invade, come over to my compound, and I've got a couple friends to introduce you to.

Scared now, ain't you?

Patriot Standardchuck, out.

Annapolis and other movie settings

We went to Annapolis yesterday. Some interesting facts:

• The State House (seat of the Maryland state government) was the Capital of the United States for about a year after the Revolutionary War.
• Annapolis is the home of St. John's College, a school founded in the 17th century that continues to educate utilizing only the Classics.
• The Naval Academy, founded in 1845, is esteemed for producing great midshipmen as well as lacrosse teams that do not commit sex crimes.
• Annapolis features old cobblestone roads that have no intensive purpose in our modern day life other than to increase tourist confidence in the authenticity of oldness as well as destabilizing shocks to increase business to mechanics.
• Annapolis is an anagram for the word "Pansolins," a word once described by Annapolis native Frank Upton Taney as "the sweetest word ever to describe the special trousers worn by horse jockeys the day before a rather heavily wagered race."
• Surrounded by historic architecture, I take pictures of an alleyway and a bunny.
  
• Home of the famous delly (as spelled by the establishment) - Chick & Ruth's Delly.

The following pictures of our visit to Chick & Ruths. We both had corned beef/pastrami sandwiches on rye (fantastic) and matzah ball soup (a bit salty but quite palatable). Over all rating: 94% out of a possible 100 on the standardchuck Deli-rific richter scale.

Mash ups

Yes, I'm slow to discovering mashups...

Here's my top 5 mashups:

5. Sweet Home Alabama vs. Country Grammer (Lynard Skynard/Nelly)

4. Funky Cold Medina vs. Can't Get You Out of My Head (Tone Loc/Kylie Minogue)

3. Sweet Dream vs. Without Me (Eurythmics/Eminem)

2. Smack My Bitch Up vs. Sex Crimes (Prodigy/Beck)

1. Rapture vs. Riders on the Storm (Blondie/The Doors)

Email me if you want me to send any of these files...top 5 subject to change at a moment's notice

Short script #2: A bump on the head

Sal, aged 31, lives in a dark apartment. Close up to a clock showing 4 o'clock, with faint wisps of daylight shining through the window. Sal is balding and presumably smelly. Near his snoring body, is an alarmclock faced down onto his nightstand as well as a jug of Vladimir vodka.

Voice: Wake up Sal, wake up...
Sal: (sleepily) Ma?
Voice: Wake up, Sal
Sal: Ma, leave me alone, give me one more hour.
Voice: Wake up, wake up, wake up... (transforms into the beep-beep of the alarm clock)
Sal: (roused) grog, alright, alright, bastard.

Sal reaches over, slaps the alarm to a crashing halt, grabs the bottle of vodka.

Sal: Good morning Vladimir.

Sal take a large swig of vodka.

Sal: (grimacing) ahhh, yeah.
A Russian Voice (Vladimir): You love my juice, don't you, bitch.
Sal: (confused) huh? who's that?
Vladimir: It is me, maggot, I am your czar!
Sal: Shut up, this is prank right?
Vladimir: Do you not hear me? Hold the bottle to your ear.

Sal hold the bottle to his ear. A loud voice pierces and simultaneously the bottle bashes the side of Sal's head).

Vladimir: Do you hear me now???
Sal: I'm really messed up, aren't I?
Vladimir: No, you aren't drunk, rather you are poisoned.
Sal: What? Poisoned?
Vladimir: Yes. During bottling, my vodka was contaminated with a special cleaner for a part of machinery that mixes the potatoes...the cleaner has mercury.
Sal: So what...I'm going to be able to tell your temperature?
Vladimir: No, it means you have drank so much of me, not only have you made like sauerkraut of your liver, but your brain is riddled with mercury. You've gone crazy!
Sal: Huh.
Vladimir: Don't believe me, get a second opinion.

Alarm Clock fallen to the ground: You're fucked Sal.
Pillow: Yep, you've gone Tom Cruise, son.
Blanket: (elephant roar)

Sal: So, what happens now?
Vladimir: What do you think? Go out and preach, Sal. Let people know about all those crazy thoughts, crazy dreams that Vladimir and mercury will rock out of your inner soul.
Sal: Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll tell the world.
Vladimir: Before you go, I am going to give you a new name, for your new life.
Sal: Alright.
Vladimir: You will be L. Ron Hubbard.
Sal/Hubbard: Thank you Vladimir.
Blanket: Good. Now stick your dick in my Downy-soft folds, big boy.
Vladimir: NOOOO, blanket is Xenu!

Cut to black screen with words in white: Don't have sex with your bedsheets, because that makes Xenu happy.
A message from the Church of Scientology: "No just for crazy people, but for rich crazy people."

Eater's Regret

I don't think that it's a coincidence that I'm constantly writing about food and gaining weight. To testify for my ballooning waist, take for instance my habits tonight. Morning, breakfast of eggs, fake-con, and half a bagel. Lunch, a plate of farfalle and a roasted chicken breast in organic tomato sauce...leading to dinner of 7 - 11 hotdogs, slathered with chili and cheese-type inorganic goo. Granted, I did have a few libations, mixed with grandma's departure and massive studying (do doctors really need to know about Planck's constant? Those pretty people on Grey's Anatomy never discuss the behavior of electrons in a magnetic field...MCATs are full of shite). Still, have you had Sleven hotdogs? There's something very similar to the feeling after eating those crap sticks compared to the moment before a very serious, unpleasant meeting...sweat beads, heart palpitations, trouble breathing, and B.O.. Oh well, at least you don't have to sleep next to me tonight. Pffffffffffffff...as James Joyce would elegantly crafty...followed with some dookie time.

This moment of potty humor sponsored in part by Charmin brand Disintegration roll..."We leave some behind!"...Cha-cha-cha-CHARMIN!

RIP

My maternal grandmother passed away today, aged 86. She died surrounded by her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchild. She passed away peacefully. Rest in heaven, hal mu nee, and we'll see you soon.