News Schmooz - 8/31

Newest News! I'll try to make this a good one to last all through the Labor day weekend.

• Diana remembered at memorial service: picture pages - I wonder what they're thinking...Prince Charles, "my current wife is ugly, yo;" Prince William, "why did father marry that whale of a woman;" and Prince Harry, "Caw, she looks like a ripper, a real goer." (thanks to prince 280) lodi Dodi - "It was one more day for dredging up questions about how Diana came to die in a car crash in Paris with her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed, and for the Daily Telegraph to publish an essay explaining 'why we were right to weep for Diana.'" First thought: do you need justification for crying for a figurehead? Brits are insecure. Second: Daily Telegraph should have produced an additional essay entitled 'Ehm, at least Dodi died a rich bloke who gave Di the bad touch." princely timing - "For Harry and his older brother, Prince William, it was a simple tribute to an adored mother." Both princes gave moving elegies. Sadly, Prince Charles tried to follow up using levity, mostly doing impressions of Ricky Gervais lines from "Extras." Unfortunately, no one was having a laugh. the tories live - "She reached our lives deeply, even in America. She brought life to the palace and warmth, and that's what the monarchy needed," said Arlene Fitch, 54, of Boston. Arlene, after giving her quote, promptly sang "Hail to the Queen," then choked on a crumpet while arsing about on the loo. No one in Boston cried. brothers from a different mother- Diana "got married the same year as me, she had children the same year as me and, as her boys have grown up, they have done just the same kind of things as our boys would do," said Fitch's sister, Marie Schofield, 46, from Florida. Marie boasted that, like Harry and William's Royal panty breakouts, her younger boy, Michael Scofield, recently helped to break his falsely imprisoned brother out of jail. Marie gushed, "Michael's gonna be the King of Coral Gables someday!" cheeky - John Loughrey, 52, had painted "Diana" on his forehead and "the truth?" on his cheek. "We must get to the bottom of how she died," he said. He wasn't taken seriously because his other cheek had written "Golden Palace dot Com" and "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World," on his pasty, hairless chest. sixth floor: mourning - "Mohamed al Fayed, who accused Prince Philip of masterminding a plot to kill Diana and Dodi Fayed, was not on the guest list. He observed his own two minutes of silence at Harrods, his department store, an hour before the memorial service." Ohhhh, joke overload! Prince Philip can't even mastermind a game of tiddlywinks. Secret plot, make Dodi drive into a column. Two minutes of silence in a department store?!! Fat guy in expensive suit with head hanging down next to Waterford crystal and Bulgova watches? The perfume people spritzing without smiles. No musak for two minutes. AHHHH. there's nothing else that can top anything above, right? - "Artist Francine Reulier, 56,
  'Many of us in France feel a bit guilty for not having protected her. I still get chills, I still cry about it — the raw horror of it all.'" France, protection...what were they going to do? Jean Reno assasinating all the paparazi, or somehow padding the concrete columns with a protective collision absorbing layer of brie? All the dog crap on the sidewalks forming a poop force field around Dodi's vehicle? The Eiffel Tower forming into a Michael Bay wet-dream Transformer and saving the day? France sucks (sorry Mrs. Vini).
• Beckham to miss 6 weeks with bad knee: football, soccer, its all overpriced to me - "He's played 310 minutes in six games, which comes to about $21,000 a minute if he's out for the season." that translates to what, 10 grand everytime his foot touched the ball?

More to come...maybe?

In the News 8/30

Should I make this a regular feature...since I no longer have the time for Listening Posts or random rants about my life:

• Mission Unaccomplished: The Iraqi government has failed to meet the vast majority of political and military goals laid out by lawmakers to assess President Bush's Iraq war strategy, congressional auditors have determined. what went wrong - 13 of the 18 benchmarks failed. I couldn't find any of the specific benchmark, but I'm thinking a few of them might be "Iraqi government will be able to build a functional coalition of different cultural groups in Iraq," "Iraqi government will take over policing functions in Iraq," and "Iraqi government will grow a set." (that's the best I can do. Other options involved replacing halal meat with McDonalds, stopping indoor soccer, or playing dress up with Saddam Hussein's corpse...ohhh, let's go with that one) playing unfair - The officials argued "that Congress ordered the GAO to use unfair, 'all or nothing' standards when compiling the document." No wiggle room. Those congressional Democrats are taking away everything that makes American politics functional! No wiggle room, no shades of gray, no hemming and hawing. Next thing you know, there'll be no out and out lying allowed ("I am not gay" from the bathroom sex soliciting Idaho senator or "quack quack quack" from the vice-president). leave the boy and the oil - one of the major aims was that the Iraqi government needed to pass a oil law. Right. "There is looting in the street, people are dying everywhere, each roadway is littered with jury-rigged bombs, but your first priority better be giving Exxon a good deal on crude, Habib!" the law of average - one of the major talking points from the conservative and military establishments is to say that the standards are too strict. "At the Pentagon, spokesman Geoff Morrell previewed the administration's response to the GAO report, comparing it unfavorably to the July findings. 'The standard the GAO has set is far more stringent," he told reporters. "Some might argue it's impossible to meet.'" In other words, don't use the AP rubric for the short bus kids. Don't you know that you need to relax the standards when you're not up to snuff? It's not fair... close read this - Morrell said Bush's top military advisers, including Gates, would give the president their opinions "directly and in an unvarnished way." Using my crystal here's how it will come out, "you're doing great, we're winning the war, now go outside and clear the weeds of the Rose Garden."
• US sprinter Gay wins men's 200m world title: double gay - he won the 100m also. That's a rare sprint double. Rare sprint double...sounds like a good title for a CD (hint, hint, men of Death Cab For Cutie).
• Suits filed against Lil' Wayne: OMG money! - "A woman has filed a lawsuit alleging she was trampled by a frenzied crowd after a large amount of cash was thrown into the crowd during a concert by rapper Lil' Wayne at Morgan State University last October." Just another example of when "MAKING IT RAIN" goes bad. money and baltimore don't mix - "either Lil' Wayne or members of his entourage — threw money into the crowd during the rapper's performance" in BALTIMORE. Drop a twenty on the street in Hampden and you'll have a pile of toothless wonders trampling you. That's 20 keno plays, playa! Also, Lil' Wayne needs to chastise his entourage for spending the Fiji Water money. Seriously. the big time - "Lil' Wayne was the opening act for Busta Rhymes at the concert. Lil' Wayne and rapper Ja Rule were charged with felony handgun violations after a concert in Manhattan last month." When did Busta Rhymes become placed at the same level as Lil' Wayne and (laughing) Ja Rule?!! Busta spit ferocious lines (anyone remember "Scenario" with Tribe Called Quest?). Ja Rule sang with J. Lo, using lines like "I got my boyfriend...nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah." Ja Rule sucks. Lil' Wayne needs to make it rain to start a brawl. Busta just needed to do the dungeon dragon "Rawlll" and dudes would be trampling women, for sure.
• No more tag in Colorado: file this under the "hippie parents taking away everything fun from their children." don't tag me while i'm sipping my mochalatte - "An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will." That was the fun of tag. Freakin' whiny children need to do what all the other "non-contact-ers" used to do when I was in elementary school, go play on the swings, or go sit against the wall and play. Don't stand around and make yourself a tag-ee then complain to the teachers when you get swatted. This is just another sickening example of coddling. How much you want to bet that this is a predominantly white school? running aimlessly is still O.K. - "Running games are still allowed as long as students don't chase each other." rightttttt, just run around. we should just put the children through force marches for an hour to get the sillies out of them. conflict is bad - "School officials said the move encouraged more students to play games and helped reduce playground squabbles." School officials also said that they were guided in their decisions by the influential book "How to Raise Chicken-Shit Children."

finally...

• Egypt: Belgian diplomats damaged fossils: it was bumpy - Egyptian authorities have accused Belgian diplomats of damaging a 40 million-year-old whale fossil when they allegedly drove over the remains in a protected desert area, an official said Monday. rules don't apply to the belgish - the diplomats in four-wheel-drive vehicles ran over the fossil in July after ignoring signs warning visitors not to drive in the Wadi el-Hitan, or Valley of the Whales, protected area and UNESCO World Heritage site located about 93 miles outside of Cairo.

In the News

So, since I'm too busy (and tired) (and clinically depressed) to talk about my life, let's peruse the Yahoo! news page and make some comments, eh?

• The Taliban have freed some of the Korean hostages: close read this - "Meanwhile, U.S.-led coalition and Afghan forces killed more than 100 suspected Taliban insurgents in southern Afghanistan." Suspected. That's a strong word, eh? what a bargain - in exchange for the hostages, Korea promised to remove its troops from Afghanistan. Isn't that the best of both worlds? Get the hostages back, and get your soldiers back. stopping the Jesus flow - Korea promised to stop missionaries from working in Afghanistan, which it had assured before the hostage events. Now, knowing Koreans, particularly Korean missionaries, this is the most empty statement since the Idaho senator Larry Craig claimed that he isn't gay. funny thing about Idaho senators - just because I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old, how about the name of the other Republican senator from the great state of Idaho. Idaho, Crapo, what a great gag state.


• The Two Year Anniversary Since Hurricane Katrina: picture it - Bush and Mayor Ray Nagin. Something about this shot seems really wrong. close read this #1 - "The day has also attracted a passel of politicians — President Bush chief among them. He and Laura Bush arrived Tuesday night and dined with Leah Chase, the Queen of Creole cooking, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees and musician Irvin Mayfield." Anyone else thinking that having an excellent dinner isn't really helping? When I read this, the first thing I thought of was "You're doing a great job, Brownie." close read this #2 - "Meanwhile, an international people's tribunal has been convened to take testimony from victims. The tribunal is being spearheaded by legal activists trying to build a case under international law accusing the United States of human rights abuses during and after Katrina." Is this really necessary? Sounds like a hippie plot. Sure, mistakes were made, and blunders continue...yet, this tribunal will only a. make the rest of the world hate us more and b. do absolutely nothing to the current administration. Attention, U.S. policy PR people, stop the hippies. if only this were true - "People are angry and they want to send a message to politicians that they want them to do more and do it faster," said the Rev. Marshall Truehill, a Baptist pastor and community activist. "Nobody's going to be partying." Unfortunately, there will be drunk white people partying on Bourbon Street. There's a great article in this week's Sports Illustrated which subtly portrays the huge difference in rebuilding efforts between white and black neighborhoods. The main problem lies in an obscenely racist division between rebuilt and rebuilt not. just not right - total amount dispersed to Katrina victims by the government = $96 billion. total amount spent on war in Iraq and Afghanistan in 2007 alone = ~$650 billion. moving at the speed of bureaucracy - the levees will be repaired by 2015. Eight years. Good luck.


• Keith Richards is Mad: 56000 Swedes can't be wrong - Tabloids Expressen and Aftonbladet gave thumbs down to the Aug. 3 concert at Ullevi stadium in Goteborg, with Expressen suggesting Richards was "superdrunk" on stage. This riled up the 63 year old cadavar to the point that he wrote a letter saying that he wants an apology for the fans. "There were 56,000 people in Ullevi stadium who bought a ticket to our concert — and experienced a completely different show than the one you 'reviewed,'" the letter said. Delusional Corpses...that would make a great band name. write the truth - Keith wrote "How dare you cheapen the experience for them — and for the hundreds of thousands of other people across Sweden who weren't at Ullevi and have only your 'review' to go on.
  "Write the truth. It was a good show." After writing these sentence, Keith promptly spontaneously combusted, leaving behind only a cloud of cocaine residue and completely lack of objectivity. line of the year - "It is Keith who should apologize. After all it costs around $145 to see a rock star who can hardly handle the (guitar) riff to 'Brown Sugar' any more." oh, Swedish snap!
• Helmsley Dog Gets Millions: this bites - dog gets 12 million, two grandchildren get nothing. what did the grandchildren (or the parents of said grandchildren) do to get stiffed? the cryptic "reasons known to them" statement for why they were getting stiffed makes for an intriguing parlor game...what did you do to get written out of Helmsley's will? My vote, personally shitting on the dog.
• Doctor Killed Beethovan: shake that lead out - Dr. Wawruch overdosed the composer with lead. the yawn sonata - why is this an interesting story? like, for instance, what if we found out that Benjamin Franklin got murderized by cyanide laced 16 year old girls? um, wait, that would be pretty cool, right?

one more...

• Burning Man Torched Early: sincere response - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Take that hippies! Captain "I Want to Punch Him" - the arsonist looks like a douchebag. the decision making of hippies - "It was in plain sight of many people. Everyone is looking at it this morning, this big black figure in the sky and that wasn't supposed to burn, saying, 'Now what do we do?'" I imagine the crowd vocalizing a lot of "whoas" (think Keanu Reeves) and much scratching of unwashed white boy dreadlocks. seriously, what now? - they're rebuilding a pile of wood so that they can burn it again. yet, we can't get New Orleans habitable. fucking hippies.

thanks, you've been a great audience. you're beautiful.

Been awhile...ready for some football

Yes, yes, SC readers...I've been gone for a while...and the world has changed...but before I recap, here's my first Fantasy Football team of the year.


QB Jon Kitna
WR Torry Holt
WR Randy Moss
WR Braylon Edwards
RB Larry Johnson
RB Clinton Portis
TE Antonio Gates
K Adam Vineteri
DEF Seattle


Bench
RB Marion Barber III
WR Jerricho Cotchery
QB Jay Cutler
WR Devery Henderson
TE Tony Scheffler
DEF Carolina

Yeah...I know. I can't believe this team was autodrafted. Such a well balanced team.

Awful: SI's List of the 12 Greatest Sports Villians

So, in reporting the Bonds' record breaking homerun last night, Sports Illustrated compiled a list of the Greatest Sports Villains. This is a laughable list with faulty reasoning as well as a failure to look beyond the modern era. Seriously, SI is supposed to be written for sports fanatics who have heard of sporting history and therefore know about the evilness of Ty Cobb.

Here's the List and the details for each list member:

1. Barry Bonds: Never a fan favorite because of his rudeness with the media, Bonds' image has suffered in recent years because of the allegations -- and physical appearance -- that he used steroids. His pursuit of Hank Aaron's all-time home run record has brought on even more antipathy from those who feel Bonds is not worthy of taking over the title of Home Run King.
2. Michael Vick: No matter the resolution of the legal case, Vick's reputation has been sullied by his alleged connection to the ugly underworld of dogfighting.
3. Floyd Landis: Whether or not fans in America believe his claims of innocence, Landis is viewed as a villain by many in the cycling community, mainly overseas, after an unusual level of testosterone was revealed during his Tour de France victory in 2006.
4. Kobe Bryant: Whether or not fans in America believe his claims of innocence, Landis is viewed as a villain by many in the cycling community, mainly overseas, after an unusual level of testosterone was revealed during his Tour de France victory in 2006.
5. Terrell Owens: Owens' 10-year NFL career has been defined by a series of incidents: he has demanded trades, insulted his quarterbacks (even suggesting one was homosexual), and engaged in controversial and public contract disputes, all the while claiming he has been unfairly portrayed.
6. Floyd Mayweather: Considered by some to be the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, Mayweather has failed to endear himself to fans through a series of controversies inside and outside the boxing ring.
7. Ron Artest: Artest's pattern of unruly and unusual behavior came to a head when he was the central figure in the 2004 Pacers-Pistons brawl in Detroit, jumping into the stands to confront a man he incorrectly believed to be responsible for throwing a cup of beer at players on the court.
8. Zinedane Zidane: The merits of his behavior were debated long after the 2006 World Cup had concluded, but Zidane's headbutting of an Italian defender in extra time of the final will be the lasting image of the game's greatest player on its biggest stage.
9. Isiah Thomas: Thomas feuded with the ever-popular Michael Jordan during their playing careers, but he has become even more unpopular in his role as a basketball executive, causing so much distaste from Knicks fans that several Web sites have been dedicated to getting him fired.
10. Bob Knight: Adored by some, but hated by most, Knight has rubbed many the wrong way with his brash, old-school style of tough-love coaching.
11. Al Davis: The George Steinbrenner of football -- or perhaps it's the other way around -- Davis has been a source of controversy throughout his tenure as the Raiders' owner, most notably with his moving the Raiders from Oakland to Los Angeles and back again in the span of 15 years.
12. Scott Boras: Boras has endeared himself to players by winning them huge contracts, but his hardball negotiating tactics have made him an enemy of team executives and fans alike.

Alright, here's the hard hitting analysis that you've come to expect from StandardChuck...I agree with the selections of Bonds, TO, Kobe, and Artest. Bonds is the most reviled baseball player in my lifetime, TO has been entertaining but an extremely effective heel (wrestling term for bad guy), Kobe is a PR nightmare, and Ron Artest is a hyperviolent alien.

There are some choices that I'm on the fence about: Scott Boras is hated by baseball executives, but the general public could give a flying flip about agents (no one cared about Arli$$, and no one cares about Scott Boras). Yes, agents are lumped together with insurance salesmen and lawyers as slimy professionals, but that queasiness isn't really a villainous quality. Bob Knight may be intense, violent, and insane, but that also describes John "I'll Kill You" Chaney or Woody "Punchy" Hayes...and they can't hold a candle to Mark "Bean the Autistic Kid" Downs for sheer evilness. Come on, Knight was a little grabby and loved throwing furniture, but that doesn't make him on of the greatest villains in sports. How about that Floyd Landis? Who even cares about cycling? I think in order to be one of the greatest, you have to be involved in a sport that has some relevance.

Alright, now the choices that I absolutely disagree with.

2. Michael Vick: he hasn't been convicted of anything. Have we forgotten the lesson of the Duke lacrosse debacle? Let jurisprudence run its course before you crucify the guy. Before the dog fighting allegations, Vick was beloved for his video game skills (skills that make him the ultimate Madden quarterback) as well as electrifying presence: I've watched Falcons games, not because I cared about the score, but because I was sure something amazing was going to happen. Instead, why not put in someone who was actually convicted like Mike Tyson or PacMan "Make it Rain" Jones? How about someone banned from the baseball...Pete Rose?

Where would you place his brother Marcus in the evil villain list?

6. Floyd Mayweather : Sure, I can use the argument about the relevance of the sport, as boxing continues its slow death. However, I object to his characterization as a villain just because he hasn't endeared himself to fans. A villain is reviled by fans...he has to elicit a reaction in order to be a villain...otherwise he's just irrelevant. Mayweather has the talent and he's back it up. He's just not popular, mostly because boxing does not attract the mainstream fan anymore as well as his hiccups with minor scandals. The thing is, you can't be a villain if no one cares, and the simple fact is that Floyd will not be appreciated, good or bad. He might be an automatic lock for the Greatest Sports Figures Who Really Isn't Noticed, but Is That a Bad Thing? list, but villain is surely is not. For famous boxing villains, why not Don King? Heck, why not Clubber Lang?

8. Zinedine Zidane: come on. Seriously? The dude headbutted a schmuck, and suddenly he's one of sports greatest villains? That's laughable compared to real insanity, like Artest's melee with Detroit. What about Kermit Washington's infamous punch of Rudy T? That had serious repercussions to Washington as a player, race relations in the United States, and NBA player policies...Zidane headbutted a guy, got YouTubed up the wazoo, and then retired! What about Todd Bertuzzi stick attack on Steve Moore? How about every single Miami Hurricanes' player during that disgusting fight? History has so many serious altercations between players that the Zidane head butt (and the subsequent rolling around by Materazzi, who by the way has profited off of the head butt receipt, like the whore that he is) just doesn't register.

9. Isiah Thomas: if incompetence is a mark of being a villain (as most bad guys in movies do stupid things that end up leading to their downfalls, like monologuing), then you'd have to add way too many individuals to the list for much more egregious actions. Let's compare Thomas to compadres in his own league...bone headed moves from the NBA include the draft day debacle of the Bucks trading away Dirk Nowitzki for Robert "Tractor" Traylor! What about taking Kwame Brown number 1 (thanks MJ!)? Who could forget the dunderheaded play of trading for Vlade "Floppy" Divacs for a young man by the name of Kobe Bryant (we're talking young future Jordan Kobe, not Colorado hanky panky, trade me flip flop Kobe). There have been so many bad moves in the NBA and horrible GMs (Raptors GMs, I'm looking at you!) that you just can't blame Isiah.

Non-NBA: How about Grady Little leaving Pedro in the game? How about the front office guys who made the trade for Glen Davis (Baltimore). How about trading away Jeff Bagwell (Red Sox), Lou Brock (Cubs), or Babe Ruth for cash (Red Sox)? That's just baseball. The NFL has the infamous Hershel Walker to Minnesota trade or the John Elway "I won't play for Baltimore" give away (of course, look how the same ploy performed by Eli kinda hurt the Giants and helped the Chargers). Hockey...who cares?

Anyway, what I'm saying, Isiah isn't that bad...and the supporting argument that there are websites calling for Isiah's firing...do a search for any coach with the word "fire" and you'll find a site. Fire Tony Dungy exists, come on people!

******

In conclusion, I think that this short-sighted list generates debate (positive) but fails in accuracy. Debate amongst yourselves.

Why I'm Grumpy

So, had some issues (which persist) with the blog interface. Still working on it.

Anyway, there's alot to say, including the trip to Petit Louis on Sunday.

However, I will allow my mood to dictate my refusal to elaborate.

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

Proof that you shouldn't be playing with your gun in the locker room...

Royals outfielder shoots TV reporter in face with pellet during locker room interview

July 28, 2007
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) -- Royals outfielder Emil Brown hit a television reporter near the eye with a pellet from a small plastic gun in the Kansas City clubhouse Friday afternoon.

A team spokesman said Brown didn't mean to shoot KMBC sports reporter Karen Kornacki with the plastic pellet gun. Brown started in left field Friday night against the Texas Rangers.

"It was certainly an accident," Royals spokesman David Holtzman said. "He wasn't shooting at anybody."

Kornacki was interviewing shortstop Tony Pena Jr. before the game when she felt the pellet hit near her left eye, said Gary Roberts, KMBC's assistant news director. Kornacki ended the interview and left the locker room immediately.

"I was just messing around in here," Brown said. "I feel terrible about it. Karen is one of the nicest persons that I've met, especially as far as the media is concerned. This happening to her, I feel absolutely awful about it."

Brown said he tried to call Kornacki to apologize but was unable to reach her.
An assistant team trainer treated Kornacki and gave her an ice pack. The station said that Kornacki, who has been with the ABC affiliate for more than 20 years, shattered her contact and scratched her eye when the pellet hit.

"I talked to Karen. I'm glad she's OK. That's all that matters to me right now," Royals manager Buddy Bell said. "I was concerned about her first of all. I did talk to Brownie too."
Royals spokesman Toby Cook said the team apologized and was investigating.
"We're terribly sorry it happened," Cook said. "I don't know actually what happened. I wasn't there. The powers that be are looking into it."