Vader Sessions + Transcript

Can't believe that are some of you who have not experienced Vader Sessions. Excellent video/audio edit...funny stuff.

On a whim, decided to transcribe the clip (some titles of James Earl Jones movies where I think the specific audioclip came from). Enjoy.

Title Screen: VADER SESSIONS

(Laser fire sound effect)

Stormtrooper: Open the blast door, open the blast door

James Earl Jones/Darth Vader (JDV): I’m James Earl Jones and I played the part of…

Princess Leia: (Interrupting) Darth Vader

---

JDV: I haven’t confided in many people who walk in here, he said. I had a nervous breakdown once.

Imperial Officer: Lord Vader.

JDV: After fourteen years on the force, it just came upon me without any warning at all.

---

JDV: I know that you have been inconvenienced and I am prepared to compensate you. Shall we say one million American dollars? Very well then, two million. [Coming to America]

---

Stormtrooper: The death star plans are not in the main computer.

JDV: Your momma’s going on a date. You dig that? A date. Like the nice restaurants and fine music.

Rebel Soldier: This is a consulate ship, we’re on a diplomatic mission.

JDV: Dig that? She’s going with me, she’s going to have a good time, can you dig that?

(throw rebel soldier) Look man, I’m in the prime of my life cause I’m living the way I got to. Gonna make me some money again and were going to fight, cause it’s my turn to be champion of the world. [The Great White Hope]

---

JDV: Oh God…

Princess Leia: Darth Vader, only you could be so bold. The imperial senate will not be still for this. When they hear the you’ve attacked a diplomatic…

JDV: Hey look man, I ain’t fighting for no race, I ain’t redeeming nobody. [The Great White Hope] I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the pimp. Yeah, you lucky I too busy to find you, girl, you selling my clothes, my ring, my silver brushes.

Princess Leia: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderon.

JDV: Don’t you poppa me, girl, or I’ll poppa you so that you’ll never forget it. So just get your black ass out of here. Jesus.

---

Imperial Officer 1: Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the rebellion and the senate.

JDV: What I supposed to do? Stash her in a itty bitty hole someplace in niggatown and go sneaking up there at twelve o’clock at night?

Imperial Officer 1: She’ll die before she’ll tell you anything?

JDV: Or carry her around with me in a little box like a pet bunny rabbit or something?

Imperial Officer 2: Lord Vader?

JDV: Huh?
Imperial Officer 2: Battle station plans are not aboard this ship

JDV: And?

Imperial Officer 2: And no transmissions were made.

JDV: Oh.

Imperial Officer 2: An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting.

JDV: And?

Imperial Officer 2: No life forms were aboard.

JDV: Well, pretty far along as it is, man. I’m just sitting here getting older every minute. And I’m going right out the door.

Imperial Officer 2: Yes sir.

---

JDV: Yeah, ya’ll mad at me, right? But there’s one thing you better know and that is that I love all of ya’ll. Listen, can I explain something to you about being a daddy?

Imperial Officer Motti: Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion…

JDV: A daddy is the bread winner, you dig what I’m saying? And if he don’t win that bread, he just don’t come around.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Enough of this! Vader, release him!

JDV: Yeah.

---

JDV: Hey, baby. We got this real sweet thing going on, it can go on forever like this as far as I’m concerned so don’t look so down.

(Enter ominous black probe)

Oh Lordy, what to do when the romance been gone.

(Door closes)

JDV: Ah, she was, ah, I think, the greatest kisser I’d ever kissed in my life and I make my wife the exception now, but in those days I had never kissed anybody like that in my life. There was such commitment, such warmth, such juice, frankly. Quickest way to get a woman in bed is to first get her clothes off and get her to take a bath, you know.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Yes?

Imperial Officer: Our scout ships have reached Tantooine.

JDV: Whether she needs it or not. That’s romantic enough, you know, bubbles in your bath tub.

---

JDV: Say, well, look-ee here, yeah alright. (pause while walking to Millennium Falcon) What’s the deal here?

Imperial Officer: There’s no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after take off.

JDV: Big son of a bitch.

Imperial Officer: It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned.

JDV: (whispered) Go the distance. (full voice) The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. [Field of Dreams]

Imperial Officer: Yes sir.

JDV: It reminds us of all that once was good and it could be again.

Imperial Officer: Yes sir.

JDV: Oh…baseball.

---

JDV: In 1924, I posed for another sculpture. It was a nude rock. It depicted me singing “Deep River.”

Grand Moff Tarkin: The Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that’s left of their religion.

JDV: I can’t tell you the secret of life and I don’t have any answers for you. I don’t give interviews and I’m no longer a public figure. I just want to be left alone.

---

JDV: Hey, hey, hey, hold it sucker. Hey, wait, wait.

(Obi won approaches)

JDV: Mr. Wizansky. All right. I’ve been extremely impressed with the way your work has improved over the course of the semester. You have learned a great deal more that I thought. You learned what it feels like to be black. [Soul Man]

(Light saber fight begins)

JDV: You’ll get no special treatment from me. Do you hear me? No special treatment, that means you’ve got to work twice as hard as these little white shits and you damn well better work twice as hard. [Soul Man]

Obi Won: You can’t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

JDV: (cannot figure out, muttered)

(Strikes down Obi Won)

JDV: That’s right, Sally.

---

Voice: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity.

JDV: Bingo, we got our backs up against the wall with no place to go. What say we get back in the car and go on back to where we come from? It’s all over. [The Bingo Long Travelling All-Stars & Motor Kings]

---

JDV: What do you want?

Imperial Officer: We count thirty rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they’re so small that they’re evading our turbo lasers.

JDV: You’ve been out of your mind for the last three and a half hours. Sit down before you fall down. Guys, come in here. We’d like to maintain the current black representation on the committee so let’s go for a stroll.

(Ship sequence, changing radio from “Welcome to the Terrordome” by Public Enemy, “Alive” by Pearl Jam, to “Piano Man” by Billy Joel)

JDV: Hmmm…LAAAA…LAAA…La la la la la…Heeeee….Grrrr…that’s enough.

(Death star blows up)

Hello Blog, I'm Chuck

Here at StandardChuck's, we take great pride in the fact that we don't regularly update the blog, yet we are constantly thinking about the best posts that will never materialize. Take, for instance, a doozy of a blog that would have hit the blogosphere last week that took an in-depth analysis of the current state of fiction literature (the co-opting of good books like "The Road" by the queen of pop Oprah Winfrey) and the educational impact on middle-aged, white suburban housewives. How about the planned entry where we discuss the economic feasibility of publicly caning Don Imus, and, oh what the heck, the entire Fox News organization. You know, let's throw in a few licks for Keith Olberman, just to keep him on the straight and not-so-shrill.

Believe us, dear readers, there has been much afoot in the world, including constant ideas about funny sketches, random scenes of dialogue that would delight and enthrall, and hard hitting social commentary that would set your eyeballs a-shudder. These posts would be well worth your few minutes, those spare moments of time that you toss away to stuffonmycat.com or hornymanatee.com. Don't act like you don't just waste it, muttering to yourself in amazement to watch someone jump down 5 stories while dressed in period Edwardian garb while lip-synching to the homestar runner theme song. You pretend that you don't stare at cute pets doing nothing but being cute, which is what they've been bred to do...an inate ability, if you will. Hell, I've wasted countless weeks watching Randy Johnson pulverize a pigeon with a hurled fastball. With that precious time, you could be reading some of the best blog posts...ever!

But you cannot...because we haven't written them.

The ideas flood our staff with such a deluge, a torrential downpour of brilliant ideas, and we don't write/type them into words that you can peruse. It is plain and simple give-and-take, there's only so much time in a single existence. What is time? It is finite, but according to relativity, it infinite. That would mean, that there should be enough time for our crack typing team to churn out the missives of brilliance while not missing three square meals and a few half hours devoted to bud-tv webisodes. Yet, the laws of earth-bound, stationary physics come into play, thus leaving only the finite amount of 24 hours in a single day, and that's not enough time. There is some much else that the StandardChuck has to do in a day. Thus, fingers don't tab the keys, and you don't get to fill your mind with what would have been award-winning blog-isodes. Sorry, we try, but sometimes, we have to look out for number one-sies and turn our backs on the two-sies.
Here's some of the stories you missed while we didn't type:

• The Virginia Tech shootings, or the reason my mom called after midnight to ask if there has been racial retribution against Koreans by angry white people
• Colson Whitehead's writings in prose form: why its better than most trash that people read that deals with the racial aspects of modern American society
• The movie "Big Night" and the acting style of Tony Shalhoub: why he reminds me of Kid W
• Dreams and the Motif of Mazes: Inside the mind of one of the greatest sleepers of all time, me
  
• Wasn't He Already Dead? - The Death of an American Legend, Kurt Vonnegut
  
• Boring: the Last Days of the NBA Regular Season Schedule
• Pretty Boring but Rewarding: the Championship of StandardChuck's Fantasy Basketball Team (or, why David Lee, Al Jefferson, Tarency Kinney, and Walter Herrman won it all for team Swatters)
• The Bush Administration and the Overwhelming Desire to Spit on the Floor at the Mere Mention of the Bush Administration
• Mac and Cheese: the Inside Story
• The Death of three fish in my aquarium or why Petsmart (PetSmart? PetsMart?) is a horrible place to buy fish
• Tournament Poker and the Theoretical Implications of the "Wait Until the Other Guys Lose" Strategy
• Radiator Heat and the Use During 80 Degree Days
• This Semen's Story: Anna Nicole Smith and the Epic Cable News Quest to Figure Out Whose Sperm Reigns Supreme
• Singing in the Shower with the Shower Water Splashing Into Your Open Mouth, Giving Your Song a Nice Gurlgly Sound as You Lather Up Your Wobbly Bits, But You Inhale a Spray of Water Into Your Nose, Causing You To Cough, but You Always Inhale a Little Before Letting Out a Cough, So That Pool of Water in Your Mouth Slides into Your Lungs, and So You Drown a Little Bit, But Thank God You Were Standing In the Shower and Not Take a Bath in This Predicament, But Then Again, Would You Draw Water Into Your Mouth While Soaking In the Tub, Because That's Dirty Water That You've Been Seeping In? (Semi-Autobiographical)
  
• A "Guy's Guide To Making Your Girlfriend Annoyed" Feature - Temper Tantrums: Why Chicks Dig Them, Especially When You're Out to Dinner
• Cornbread: Ain't Nothing Wrong With That

That's just the tip of the ol' iceberg. Check back in soon to not see the newest posts at StandardChucks!

m

Back In Baltimore

Long time coming...after a week long trip to NYC and Buffalo. There are many tidbits to share, but I've got to delay it.

GTA IV Trailer

Wow...the trailer for the new Grand Theft Auto trailer looks great. Looks like I'm going to have to get a next-gen console after all.

meat

Ribs...they are probably the most over-rated part of beef or pork. Marinated, basted, raked over coals, there are a plethora of preparation and flavor that can be imparted on them, yet there is one reason why I am not a big fan of ribs: its a whole lot of work for little return. Sure, the taste can be sublime, like the slab of ribs I had in Memphis almost seven years ago. I still remember the tangy sauce aerosoled in the meaty steam stinging my nostrils and the taste of beautifully smoked meat paired with hickory, pepper, and salt. There is a visceral joy in licking your fingers and gnawing on the rib bones, wrapped in the memory of the delicious meat.

However, that's the biggest flaw. I was done with a rack of ribs, thirsty as hell, but not really full. There is a pleasant filling quality with most meat: the belly protrusion after hearty helpings of pot roast swimming in tomatoes and herbs; the gut stretching after a 16 ounce porterhouse runs ram shod down your throat and lays siege to your gut; even the slabs of Mom's meatloaf, with gravy or tomato sauce, slung down with mac and cheese and cornbread. Ribs are from a whole different planet, similar to any meat that's served as an appetizer at Applebees. They please the palate with tantalization, but ultimate leave you, like Teddy KGB, unsatisfied.

I also feel this way about any entree that entices you with yummy morsels that don't fill you up. Darn you, rack of lamb. A pox on you, a single joint of squab. I shall have my vengeance, any dish that leaves you wanting more.

I understand the adage of magicians...you don't want to fully satiate the audience, because you run the risk of boring them. You also lose repeat customers. Chefs and restaurateurs have learned the lesson, with the finer the cafe, the less substantial the meal. Eating at Brass Elephant, I remember being saddened that I was still hungry after four courses that cost more than I made in a week. At Tapas Teatro, I inhaled three dishes, tasty as the brightness of the color scheme of the dishes, and grumbled my way over to the crepe place to eat sometime filling.
I eat for two reasons: to enjoy something tasty, and to get full. My waist line does not want something that excites the taste buds but does not knock out the ravenous stomach. Otherwise, I go home and consume mass quantities of crappy starch.

Ribs. They are finger food...on the same class as most shellfish, a bowl of soap, sashimi, rack of lamb, anything truffled, lobster ravioli, french towers of terrine that look like little castles, avant guard molecular gastronomy...they're awesome, they're great, but they frustrate.

Give me honest food. The flavors knock you out, flat flakes of parsley, scoops of unclarified butter, whole grains, rustic cuttings of anything. Heap it into a bowl, steaming up my glasses as I slurp noodles, chew chunks of chicken, and feel the tingle of liberal applications of paprika.

And, if you're gonna serve meat, make it a steak or a roast or even a hamburger, and not those teasing rib temptresses. There needs to be more meat on those bones.