Hello Blog, I'm Chuck

Here at StandardChuck's, we take great pride in the fact that we don't regularly update the blog, yet we are constantly thinking about the best posts that will never materialize. Take, for instance, a doozy of a blog that would have hit the blogosphere last week that took an in-depth analysis of the current state of fiction literature (the co-opting of good books like "The Road" by the queen of pop Oprah Winfrey) and the educational impact on middle-aged, white suburban housewives. How about the planned entry where we discuss the economic feasibility of publicly caning Don Imus, and, oh what the heck, the entire Fox News organization. You know, let's throw in a few licks for Keith Olberman, just to keep him on the straight and not-so-shrill.

Believe us, dear readers, there has been much afoot in the world, including constant ideas about funny sketches, random scenes of dialogue that would delight and enthrall, and hard hitting social commentary that would set your eyeballs a-shudder. These posts would be well worth your few minutes, those spare moments of time that you toss away to stuffonmycat.com or hornymanatee.com. Don't act like you don't just waste it, muttering to yourself in amazement to watch someone jump down 5 stories while dressed in period Edwardian garb while lip-synching to the homestar runner theme song. You pretend that you don't stare at cute pets doing nothing but being cute, which is what they've been bred to do...an inate ability, if you will. Hell, I've wasted countless weeks watching Randy Johnson pulverize a pigeon with a hurled fastball. With that precious time, you could be reading some of the best blog posts...ever!

But you cannot...because we haven't written them.

The ideas flood our staff with such a deluge, a torrential downpour of brilliant ideas, and we don't write/type them into words that you can peruse. It is plain and simple give-and-take, there's only so much time in a single existence. What is time? It is finite, but according to relativity, it infinite. That would mean, that there should be enough time for our crack typing team to churn out the missives of brilliance while not missing three square meals and a few half hours devoted to bud-tv webisodes. Yet, the laws of earth-bound, stationary physics come into play, thus leaving only the finite amount of 24 hours in a single day, and that's not enough time. There is some much else that the StandardChuck has to do in a day. Thus, fingers don't tab the keys, and you don't get to fill your mind with what would have been award-winning blog-isodes. Sorry, we try, but sometimes, we have to look out for number one-sies and turn our backs on the two-sies.
Here's some of the stories you missed while we didn't type:

• The Virginia Tech shootings, or the reason my mom called after midnight to ask if there has been racial retribution against Koreans by angry white people
• Colson Whitehead's writings in prose form: why its better than most trash that people read that deals with the racial aspects of modern American society
• The movie "Big Night" and the acting style of Tony Shalhoub: why he reminds me of Kid W
• Dreams and the Motif of Mazes: Inside the mind of one of the greatest sleepers of all time, me
  
• Wasn't He Already Dead? - The Death of an American Legend, Kurt Vonnegut
  
• Boring: the Last Days of the NBA Regular Season Schedule
• Pretty Boring but Rewarding: the Championship of StandardChuck's Fantasy Basketball Team (or, why David Lee, Al Jefferson, Tarency Kinney, and Walter Herrman won it all for team Swatters)
• The Bush Administration and the Overwhelming Desire to Spit on the Floor at the Mere Mention of the Bush Administration
• Mac and Cheese: the Inside Story
• The Death of three fish in my aquarium or why Petsmart (PetSmart? PetsMart?) is a horrible place to buy fish
• Tournament Poker and the Theoretical Implications of the "Wait Until the Other Guys Lose" Strategy
• Radiator Heat and the Use During 80 Degree Days
• This Semen's Story: Anna Nicole Smith and the Epic Cable News Quest to Figure Out Whose Sperm Reigns Supreme
• Singing in the Shower with the Shower Water Splashing Into Your Open Mouth, Giving Your Song a Nice Gurlgly Sound as You Lather Up Your Wobbly Bits, But You Inhale a Spray of Water Into Your Nose, Causing You To Cough, but You Always Inhale a Little Before Letting Out a Cough, So That Pool of Water in Your Mouth Slides into Your Lungs, and So You Drown a Little Bit, But Thank God You Were Standing In the Shower and Not Take a Bath in This Predicament, But Then Again, Would You Draw Water Into Your Mouth While Soaking In the Tub, Because That's Dirty Water That You've Been Seeping In? (Semi-Autobiographical)
  
• A "Guy's Guide To Making Your Girlfriend Annoyed" Feature - Temper Tantrums: Why Chicks Dig Them, Especially When You're Out to Dinner
• Cornbread: Ain't Nothing Wrong With That

That's just the tip of the ol' iceberg. Check back in soon to not see the newest posts at StandardChucks!