Monday, April 30, 2007

Vader Sessions + Transcript

Can't believe that are some of you who have not experienced Vader Sessions. Excellent video/audio edit...funny stuff.

On a whim, decided to transcribe the clip (some titles of James Earl Jones movies where I think the specific audioclip came from). Enjoy.


(Laser fire sound effect)

Stormtrooper: Open the blast door, open the blast door

James Earl Jones/Darth Vader (JDV): I’m James Earl Jones and I played the part of…

Princess Leia: (Interrupting) Darth Vader


JDV: I haven’t confided in many people who walk in here, he said. I had a nervous breakdown once.

Imperial Officer: Lord Vader.

JDV: After fourteen years on the force, it just came upon me without any warning at all.


JDV: I know that you have been inconvenienced and I am prepared to compensate you. Shall we say one million American dollars? Very well then, two million. [Coming to America]


Stormtrooper: The death star plans are not in the main computer.

JDV: Your momma’s going on a date. You dig that? A date. Like the nice restaurants and fine music.

Rebel Soldier: This is a consulate ship, we’re on a diplomatic mission.

JDV: Dig that? She’s going with me, she’s going to have a good time, can you dig that?

(throw rebel soldier) Look man, I’m in the prime of my life cause I’m living the way I got to. Gonna make me some money again and were going to fight, cause it’s my turn to be champion of the world. [The Great White Hope]


JDV: Oh God…

Princess Leia: Darth Vader, only you could be so bold. The imperial senate will not be still for this. When they hear the you’ve attacked a diplomatic…

JDV: Hey look man, I ain’t fighting for no race, I ain’t redeeming nobody. [The Great White Hope] I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the pimp. Yeah, you lucky I too busy to find you, girl, you selling my clothes, my ring, my silver brushes.

Princess Leia: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderon.

JDV: Don’t you poppa me, girl, or I’ll poppa you so that you’ll never forget it. So just get your black ass out of here. Jesus.


Imperial Officer 1: Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the rebellion and the senate.

JDV: What I supposed to do? Stash her in a itty bitty hole someplace in niggatown and go sneaking up there at twelve o’clock at night?

Imperial Officer 1: She’ll die before she’ll tell you anything?

JDV: Or carry her around with me in a little box like a pet bunny rabbit or something?

Imperial Officer 2: Lord Vader?

JDV: Huh?
Imperial Officer 2: Battle station plans are not aboard this ship

JDV: And?

Imperial Officer 2: And no transmissions were made.

JDV: Oh.

Imperial Officer 2: An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting.

JDV: And?

Imperial Officer 2: No life forms were aboard.

JDV: Well, pretty far along as it is, man. I’m just sitting here getting older every minute. And I’m going right out the door.

Imperial Officer 2: Yes sir.


JDV: Yeah, ya’ll mad at me, right? But there’s one thing you better know and that is that I love all of ya’ll. Listen, can I explain something to you about being a daddy?

Imperial Officer Motti: Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion…

JDV: A daddy is the bread winner, you dig what I’m saying? And if he don’t win that bread, he just don’t come around.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Enough of this! Vader, release him!

JDV: Yeah.


JDV: Hey, baby. We got this real sweet thing going on, it can go on forever like this as far as I’m concerned so don’t look so down.

(Enter ominous black probe)

Oh Lordy, what to do when the romance been gone.

(Door closes)

JDV: Ah, she was, ah, I think, the greatest kisser I’d ever kissed in my life and I make my wife the exception now, but in those days I had never kissed anybody like that in my life. There was such commitment, such warmth, such juice, frankly. Quickest way to get a woman in bed is to first get her clothes off and get her to take a bath, you know.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Yes?

Imperial Officer: Our scout ships have reached Tantooine.

JDV: Whether she needs it or not. That’s romantic enough, you know, bubbles in your bath tub.


JDV: Say, well, look-ee here, yeah alright. (pause while walking to Millennium Falcon) What’s the deal here?

Imperial Officer: There’s no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after take off.

JDV: Big son of a bitch.

Imperial Officer: It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned.

JDV: (whispered) Go the distance. (full voice) The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. [Field of Dreams]

Imperial Officer: Yes sir.

JDV: It reminds us of all that once was good and it could be again.

Imperial Officer: Yes sir.

JDV: Oh…baseball.


JDV: In 1924, I posed for another sculpture. It was a nude rock. It depicted me singing “Deep River.”

Grand Moff Tarkin: The Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that’s left of their religion.

JDV: I can’t tell you the secret of life and I don’t have any answers for you. I don’t give interviews and I’m no longer a public figure. I just want to be left alone.


JDV: Hey, hey, hey, hold it sucker. Hey, wait, wait.

(Obi won approaches)

JDV: Mr. Wizansky. All right. I’ve been extremely impressed with the way your work has improved over the course of the semester. You have learned a great deal more that I thought. You learned what it feels like to be black. [Soul Man]

(Light saber fight begins)

JDV: You’ll get no special treatment from me. Do you hear me? No special treatment, that means you’ve got to work twice as hard as these little white shits and you damn well better work twice as hard. [Soul Man]

Obi Won: You can’t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

JDV: (cannot figure out, muttered)

(Strikes down Obi Won)

JDV: That’s right, Sally.


Voice: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity.

JDV: Bingo, we got our backs up against the wall with no place to go. What say we get back in the car and go on back to where we come from? It’s all over. [The Bingo Long Travelling All-Stars & Motor Kings]


JDV: What do you want?

Imperial Officer: We count thirty rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they’re so small that they’re evading our turbo lasers.

JDV: You’ve been out of your mind for the last three and a half hours. Sit down before you fall down. Guys, come in here. We’d like to maintain the current black representation on the committee so let’s go for a stroll.

(Ship sequence, changing radio from “Welcome to the Terrordome” by Public Enemy, “Alive” by Pearl Jam, to “Piano Man” by Billy Joel)

JDV: Hmmm…LAAAA…LAAA…La la la la la…Heeeee….Grrrr…that’s enough.

(Death star blows up)


Unknown said...

Hilarious! The 'muttered' bit as Vader kills Obi-Wan is him shouting 'Shut the f*ck up!', don't know how you missed it. :^)

Anonymous said...

The "muttered line" when he strikes down Obi Wan seems to be "shut the f*ck up". Other than that, great work, because there where still some minor parts I couldn't figure out so far.

Anonymous said...

He sings deep river at the end i do believe.

Raul said...

thanks for transcribing the video!

Ruben said...

theres a bit where vader is first stood next to the millenium falcon and one of the troops says something and vader/JEJ says "Big son of a bitch". its from the hunt for red october.