Welcome to the hot and sticky last days of summer here at the home of the burn, Baltimore City, U.S. and America. I'm your host, Ms. South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin ... um ... Iraq?!!No, seriously, I'm just kidding. If you saw my awesome bit at the MTV Video Music Awards then you know that I'm totally alright with what happened!
OK. So welcome to the first StandardChuck's Burnsy Awards ceremony. My brain hurts from the talking so I'll send it over to you, StandardChuck!
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Thank you Lauren, you truly are a precious treasure of idiocy.
So, here are the premise of the award. A little known television show has a character called Mr. Burns. He is a miserly, miserable individual with poor musculature. He has inspired me to create a series of awards, however know that it is a loose inspiration, as I will also utilize other meanings of the word burn to address our awardees.
Those who receive Burnsy's tonight will be members of a select group of individuals who have been enshrined in the Who-Gives-a-Fuck shrine, located in an abandoned row house somewhere in West Baltimore. May you rest in peace in eternal glory. And now, here is the first presenter of our first Burnsy, me!
(applause, with laughs from some of the celebrities in the audience, and a look of intense inquisitiveness from Akon)
Burnsy Award for Inefficiency (Ridiculous Waste of Time):
As you all know, sometimes the most difficult thing to do in this world is to kill time. It can drive you to do inane things, like make up an awards show for a scarcely read blog. No one understood this principle more than Burnsy, who appreciated sloth as long as it didn't hurt the bottom line (how else to explain his lack of oversight). Here are your nominees for Inefficiency:
- The Federal Communications Commission - Third Circuit Court Hearing on the Janet Jackson Nipplegate
- Work! - Keeping Russians From Procreating Since the Fall of the Iron Curtain
- The U.S. Senate - Hearing on Toy Safety
- Jamarcus Russell - Signing Contract After Week 1 of the NFL Regular Season
All four are arguably ridiculous stories about wastes of time for today. However, there can be only one winner...and that winner is, Work! That's right, Russian people, stay home and have sex for the good of the motherland! Why waste your time making money when you could be at home making babies! Inseminate in the name of Putin!
Here to present the next award, my friend and neighbor, Mr. Crackity Jones.
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Burnsy for Health and Anti-Aging
Thanks Chuck. It is a pleasure to be here, as it is a pleasure to be anywhere at my age. People ask me what its like being 98 years old, and I tell them, imagine how sore and cranky you feel after athletic but disappointing sex in an evening after you spent a whole mess load of money for home repairs that you had to do all day. Now, kick yourself in the balls. That's how shitty I feel!
That's why they asked me to present the next award, the Burnsy for Health and Aging. The nominees are:
- Life Expectancy for Americans: Up Like a Ding Dong on the Blue Diamond
- Living in the Travelodge: A Young at Heart Couple Living the Economy-Style Good Life
- Higher Gas Prices Equal Weight Loss: Pay More at the Pump...Fuck It, I'll Walk
- Burger King Gets Into the Healthy Craze: Because American Kids Are Stupid and Will Think Thick Cut Apple Wedges Are Just Like French Fries
And the winner is...Living in the Travelodge. Nothing like spending your golden years at a shitty motel.
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Thanks, Mr. Jones. You are old! Next, to present the Burnsy for Worst Athlete Story, here's Pussy Manning.
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Burnsy for Ineffective Athletics
Thanks, but that's Eli to you. I'm here to celebrate the Burns who loved sports. He made that awesome team of softball players. Remember? I always remembered that I was peeved that the Simpsons creators didn't draw my favorite player growing, Howard Johnson. HoJo was much better than Peyton's favorite ball player, Gaylord Perry. Anyway, here's the nominees:
- The Baltimore Ravens players and coaching staff: Because turning the ball over so many times and not running the ball at the goal line is just plain stupid (how about we refer to it as Billick-esque). Read the Sun article.
- The Earnhardt Conspiracy: Because Step-Mothers Are All Evil Bitches (fairy tales are right)
- Patriots Caught Cheating: Seriously??! What a Stupid They Is!
- Jets Fans Cheering an Injured Pennington: I can't believe they unseated my vote that Philadelphia's sports fans are the evilest people in the world.
And the winner is...the Ravens! Yes, even worse than idiotic New York fans cheering the injury of their own quarterback. The Ravens' performance on Monday Night Football was that bad. Here to give his acceptance speech is the Head Coach Brian Billick.
"What can I say? I'm a horrible offensive coach. Want to know why I got the label of offensive genius and yet have presided over the worst offensive team, ever? I had Culpepper and Randy Moss at their peaks, that's how! Seriously, do you think an elderly McNair, a fragile Todd Heap, an over the hill Derrick Mason, and my moronic play calling could ever be productive? I was surprised that Cincinnati kept us in the game for as long as they did. I am a giant tool, and I hate you all."
(applause)
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Give it up for Brian Billick. He's a turd.
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We'll continue the Burnsy Awards, including the award for Best Sun Burn (global warming/climate change news), Worst Republican Moral Transgression (the Mayor Quimbey Memorial Award), and Richest Idiot on the Planet (seriously, I have no pity for rich schmucks who become adventures).
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