A Fantasy Football League...Week Three

This is a post for a fantasy football league that I'm involved with. I'm currently 2-1. Yeehaw. Check out the league here. My team is ???Johnny Drama???

WEEK THREE TIDBITS

Who knows how long I can keep this up? I mean, it is only Week Three, and I’m already hurting for things to say. When I start addressing kicker sleeper potential, or the effect of uniforms on fantasy performance, I’ll have to take a breather and skip a few weeks.

Speaking of uniforms, did you see the Eagles jerseys for the game yesterday against the hapless Lions? As my buddy Chi-Town Prep said, “those uniforms make the Eagles look like the JV team at Fire Island U.”

Before we get into the team rankings, just a thought: what a difference a week makes, eh? Not only did we learn that starting the season 2-0 doesn’t mean you’ll be dancing to the playoffs (Lions, Niners) and starting 0-2 doesn’t mean you’re buried (Eagles). Let’s see if it translates on the fantasy field.

MAX POWER RANKINGS

1. Skora Sucks (3-0, prev rank #3): Nothing like getting a pronouncement of weakness by me to really give you that competitive boost. Seriously, it’s like my trash talking becomes poster board material for players, real or fantasy, which inspires them to greatness. More on that later. Anyway, you’re the only undefeated team and you did it with Larry Johnson looking like Janet Jackson (more like Freddy Jackson, maybe?). My bet, you’ll be 4-0 with the coming match-up with Radioactive Lurch (purposeful typo, folks).

2. Hoover Dans (2-1, prev rank #1): sure, you made like a Hoover and sucked it up real good this week, but any team with two of the top tier wideouts and crazy go nuts Lamont Jordan is going to do well…unless said wideouts vacuum it up (Steve Smith for 1 pt) or you keep your studs on the bench (you could have used Roy Williams, right?). Bad management, but then again, hindsight right?

3. Wheel Rules (2-1, prev rank #2): why aren’t you lower than You Gonn’ Learn? Well, you have LT, who has just got to break out of his scoring funk. Why should you be ranked lower? Because Jamal and Edge both came back down to their ~50 yard per game averages and no one should ever expect big points from the Green Bay defense. What’s done is done, mattress man (Marty, not a gay comment…it’s a line from a movie…a thoroughly hetero movie).

4. You Gonn’ Learn (2-1, prev rank #6): Can I just say that you had your big week of the season? Ronnie Brown looking more like Jim Brown as he picked up 40+ points, and Anquan Boldin getting 14 receptions against the stout, impenetrable pass defense of the Ravens. Congratulations on not just beating your opponent this week, but lapping them for good measure. However, one question: why do you have Chris “should’ve called Enterprise” Henry on your roster?

5. Racist Melon Farmers (2-1, prev rank #5): Holding steady, Mr. Soper. You should have started Kevin Curtis, especially after I said that Curtis is a number 3 receiver if he were in a decent receiving corps. However, you didn’t miss much because you played Donovan McNabb. Thank goodness you aren’t a racist. By the way, how was the christening ceremony that you went to…was it better than watching your beloved Niners at 1pm? Whhhhaaa-chaaa (the sound of a cracking whip, spoken by a man who hasn’t seen his balls since aught five).

6. Thneeds (2-1 pending tonight, prev rank #4): I’m setting myself up for being the target of unending blathering from Pierce if Brees wakes up and punishes the Titans secondary. However, Thneeds gets credit for working with the thinnest bench (~9 points from Randle El, Porter and Peterson). Maybe you should have started Chris Brown? Don’t know how long you’ll stay in the top five, though, with 1 point games from Hines and single-digit games from your Chicago DEF.

7. ???Johnny Drama??? (2-1, prev rank #9): Thank you, Skora, for messing up the draft order. Your tireless work to make small mistakes that can frustrate friends and create mortal enemies also netted me Randy Moss (I feel like Bill Simmons when I see Moss in the end zone, in other words, I feel like a smug little bitch), Wee Willie Parker (is this Steelers team for real?) and Braylon Edwards (I didn’t even need him! In your face, Dan!). Here’s to hoping that my triumphant glow doesn’t fade to black when I meet Bill next week.

8. SD Buckfutters (2-1, prev rank #10): Speaking of the commish, how about pulling off a win without having your QB go yet against the guy who made you change your name. Just a question (and by question, I mean an insult masquerading as a question), why did you start Sammy “Backup” Morris instead of Marshawn “Starter” Lynch? I know it was only 4 pts you left on the table, but seriously, that’s a big carry differential there.

9. phootball (1-2, prev rank #12): I’m giving the tie to the winner of this week. About the same in total points as Score-Ahhhh, but you had the monster Week Three. In this power ranking, I’m following the logic of Eddie Murphy…what have you done for me lately?!!

10. Score-Ahhhh (1-2, prev rank #8): With a team name that makes me think of an excited college football announcer…nope, better joke…processing…a team name that makes me think of having sex when you’re a teenagers…ah, heck, let’s just go back to a gay soft drink, I’m coming to expect poor showings. Questionable management skill here, especially moves like starting D. Anderson instead of Tony Homo. Of course, I better not say too many bad things since it is possible for Reggie Bush to score 100 points tonight.

11. Shenanigans (1-2, prev rank #7): After last week’s Benching Randy Moss Award winning effort last week, how did the Irishman’s team perform this week? Pretty terrible…the worst part, all those high expectation guys doing absolutely nothing (I’m looking at you, Lee Evans, Warrick Dunn, Jones-Drew, Javon Walker, etc). Sad to say it, but I think you’ll have to make more than 1 move this year.

12. Chi-Town Prep (0-3, prev rank #12): Some separation between the winless, Chi-Town has a lead on the total points (actually, Chi-town has more points than Radioactive and similar point values to 2-1 SD Buckfutters, meaning that Prep has had some bad luck). The reason I place him higher than Pierce is that this team could easily be 2-1 now.

13. Radioactive Lunch (1-2 pending tonight, prev rank #11): It could happen…Drew Brees could revert to last year. Then again, how about that Rudi Johnson? This team is hurting…Vincent Jackson being the scoring leader on a fantasy football team is just plain scary to me.

14. Ephedrinators (0-3, prev #11): (to the tune of Mandy) Oh Eli! You came and you played such a stinker. You screwed your face up to look like a sphincter. Oh Eli! How could you throw two interceptions? You should have been a failed conception…um…wow. That took a turn for the personal. Well…what can I say about this team that hasn’t been already said about the War in Iraq. Is it time to cut and run? Maybe not…maybe some consistent play at QB, and a more touches for your RBs, and this team could be decent. Could be…could be…just close you eyes and imagine Sharapova’s freshly showered testicles.


Here’s the 10 things I think I thunk:

1. Can anything stop the Patriots offensive juggernaut? Tom Brady went 23/29 passes for 311 yards and four touchdowns against da Bills. Brady has completed 79.5 percent of his passes so far this season. His QB rating for the last three games are 146.6, 123 and 150.9…10 TDs to 1 INT. That’s pro-level Madden stats! Not only that, but Maroney looks great when he actually gets to run the ball, averaging 4.7 yards per carry. Also, give it up for Ben Watson, who has got 3 TDs in 3 games. Hooray Pats for fantasy…if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.

2. On passing yards: the passing yards leader is Jon Kitna with 980 yards and 6 TD through three games. However, with his INTs, Sacks, and Fumbles lost, he’s valued evenly with Ben Roethlisberger, who’s thrown about half as many yards (563), but has 6 TD, 1 INT, and 4 sacks. Kitna is a spot starter at best in this league.

3. The team of the week: the Eagles. So, funny thing happened. I’m driving to Bert’s (more on that place later) and I’m talking to Chi-Town. He’s complaining about the Eagles’ uniforms. I think that the Lions can stay with the Eagles and their anemic offense. Once at the bar, I start expounding on how a straight up trade between Donovan McNabb for Tony Romo is horrible for the owner who is giving up Romo. My reasoning, why take a seemingly lateral trade for QBs without juicing the pot? I’m sure the Romo owner could have gotten someone else of value to improve a different position while at the same time still getting McNabb. Selling high, right? Additionally, Romo has legitimate receiving threats in Witten and Owens. I then proceeded to state that McNabb has Kevin Curtis, who in my estimation was an overrated third receiver. Well, a fellow patron of the bar says, “Curtis is the fastest player in the NFL and has great hands.” What was my response? A wise and sagacious, “whatever.”

Cut to two hours later…McNabb goes off, the Philly offense decides to just unleash on that weak Detroit secondary, and the main recipient, Kevin Curtis for 221 yards and three touchdowns. Sick.

So, I offer this service to all of you out there…I will officially, on the record, verbally abuse any of your players which will, in turn, ensure on-field domination. I’ll say that Larry Johnson looks like he’s done in the NFL, and watch out, he’ll go for 300 yards. I’ll put down Sexy Rexy, and then Grossman will throw an 80 yard bomb to himself for a touchdown. I’ll smack talk about the Cincy DEF and they’ll shut out the Patriots in Week 4 while accruing 17 interceptions and, what the hell, 30 sacks on Brady. Plus they’ll punch Belichick in the mouth and become the darlings of the NFL. That’s right…use my patented service and you’ll gain that competitive advantage…think of it as that extra juice that Shawn Merriman had last year pumped into your flagging fantasy team (Bill? Pierce? Mar(t)y?!!)

4. Is Ronnie Brown for real? He went off on the Jets, 23 carries, 112 yds rushing, 6 receptions for 99 yards, 3 total TDs. That’s insane Tomlinson numbers. Alright, let’s look at Brown’s track record…this game, he goes 4.9 a carry. Previous two game 3.0 yards per carry. Previous two years: 2005 4.4 ypc and 2006 4.2 ypc. Sure, the Jets are bad, giving up 121.3 rushing yards per game, but I’d say that this is the Ronnie Brown that the Dolphins should get used to. Don’t split his carries anymore with Chatman and run Ronnie run!

5. Two defenses that are totally confusing me: Miami and Carolina. Sure, Miami didn’t have Zach Thomas, but seriously, this is a defense that features Jason Taylor, Joey Porter, Will Allen, Reynaldo Hill, and Vonnie Holliday. They should not be allowing 166 yards rushing a game?!! For Carolina, how can this front four only have 2 sacks through three games? On paper, their secondary isn’t this bad. The worst part for the Panthers, this was the soft part of their schedule (St. Louis, Houston, Atlanta). They’ve got Tampa Bay, New Orleans, Arizona, and Indy coming up.

6. Who didn’t love the Matt Leinart sulking shots during the Cards/Ravens game? The guy is a schmuck, always has been. Until Leinart grows up and develops a team first attitude, this guy is going to be the next Jeff George without the longevity or the arm.

7. The Top 4 shame report – this is a list of owners (in no order) who really shouldn’t have started these players.
a. Wheel Rules: Green Bay DEF against SD…oh, so horrible.
b. SD Buckfutters: Sammy Morris, RB Patriots, against Bills…ok, the argument that you wanted the backup because New England would have a large amount of garbage time to run out the football and also he’s playing goal-line hawk, but seriously, how can you bench Marshawn Lynch in favor of Morris?
c. Chi-Town Prep: Jeff Garcia, QB TB…Let me say this slowly so that you can understand it: Garcia…should…never…start…in…fantasy…football.
d. Score-AHHHH: Derek Anderson, QB Cleveland…over Tony Romo? Why? Why? WHY?!!

8. Here’s the quick hit thoughts on individual teams:
a. You’re welcome, Jill, for the update on Andre Johnson…I’ll take my payment in cheese curds.
b. Cox’s team looks like the real deal. Yeah, I know, last week I said he’s vulnerable, but he’s got four “ought to score 20 a game” guys (Hasselbeck, T.O., LJ, and Steelers DEF) and the rest of his team can break out at any moment. Scary team.
c. Worst bench: Thneeds,
d. Underperforming benches: Shenanigans, Chi-Town Prep, Wheel Rules
e. Best benches: Racist Melon Farmers, Hoover Dans

9. My football rant of the week: The Ravens (this is going to be the topic every week, right?). Who says we don’t miss Adalius Thomas? The man was the reason why teams didn’t routinely pick the Ravens Defense apart in the hurry-up last year. This year, with Jarrett Johnson doing most of the work, the team gives up way too much space in the middle. Additionally, AD had the sideline to sideline speed to help defend those quick slants and HB options that are killing the defense in the fourth quarter. Seriously, the Ravens have allowed Kellen Clemens and Kurt Warner (!!!) look like John Elway out there.

Additionally, don’t give props to Corey Ivy this week. Sure, he had a good game with 5 tackles and a fumble recovery. However, his man was constantly open, giving Leinart/Warner plenty of open looks. Ivy isn’t a great cover guy, but with his safety type of roaming/hitting skills, he’s sure to hit a guy hard (though that bouncing, hugging non-tackle on Cotchery last week still makes me hate Ivy).

I’m going to give in to pressure…Ravens…9-7, second in the AFC North (you’ll notice my predictions will become more accurate as the season goes on…)

10. My non-football rant of the week:

Bad sports bar fans: if you’re a guy who loves an arcane team, don’t cheer loudly and then look around the sports bar to see if your cheers have been registered by others. Why would anyone care about the Minnesota game unless they had the Minn DEF in fantasy? Nobody cares that you care so deeply about your Vikings. Same goes with you, lonely Chargers fans who decide to antagonize without a crew of similarly attired fanatics. Great story – Skora goes to the Ravens/Chargers game in Baltimore wearing a Chargers jersey. Talks some crap. Gets confronted leaving the stadium. Honestly, the Ravens fan was a douche (as I’m finding more Ravens fans in Baltimore to be) but if you’re going to be a solo fan, be respectful of your surroundings. For instance, there was a schmuck as Bert’s wearing a Boston Red Sox hat backward (yeah, that kind of Boston fan…) who was cheering anything that bad that happened to the Ravens. Honestly, there should be an open policy to chain this guy up like in Black Snake Moan and beat the asshole out of him. Maybe, at the same time, we can make him say chowder correctly.

Here’s a bonus rants – girlfriends, if you come to the sports bar, don’t be all over your man. House’s better half showed up to Berts and was an awesome member of our crew. She knew arcane Bills players like the backup rookie QB and she cheered. Hooray. I don’t even have to mention Jill, since she loves football more than her boyfriend, who probably loves the kicking aspect of the NFL the most. However, at a table adjacent to ours, there was a group of four guys and three girls where the females exhibited every single bad thing about involving girlfriends/wives in football.

1. The annoying question/off topic girlfriend: this one dumpy looking blond in a Steelers girl T-Shirt kept asking dumb questions about the game (The worst… “why’d they do that?”) and then not listening to the answer. She also would make comments about non-football, non-man issues, like “I made the bed this morning, honey…uh, where’s Sandy today?” Awful.
2. The “I’m so bored” looking girl: she was wearing a Cowboys girl cut jersey and she couldn’t have been more bored to be there next to her super Cowboys fan boyfriend (cool guy who got progressively drunk since he knew he’d have to leave with Ms buzzkill). She keep moving around, leaning on her boyfriend, sighing, and doing every trick in the book to get the fuck out of the bar. If you feel that way, why come in the first place? Just stay home.
3. The “I’m hot and horny” girl: she comes in, half an hour into the game, practically straddles her boyfriend’s thigh, and then progresses to initiate as many makeout moments with her boyfriend as possible. Never mind that she had used her feminine wiles to keep her man’s mind off the game during the fourth quarter of three tight games…what’s more offensive is that the combination of her short shorts and the couple’s constant snogging made it impossible to view two of the big screens in their direction. I had to move to be able to watch the NFL games instead of the grinding white crotches. Get a room.