Radiohead - One of the best bands to see live, mostly because I love their music. When I say love, I don't mean it in the normal hyperbole that we utilize in our modern vocabularies. I mean it in the all-consuming, having to own every single Maxi single and a hard drive filled with concert mp3s, type of love that some of us crazies have about pop culture icons. Radiohead to me is the Pearl Jam of my pal Mikey (who owns thousands of dollars worth of CDs that have not been opened from the factory sealed plastic wrap, and a duplicate set opened and aurally enjoyed) or the Wes Anderson for my friend C-Low (who owns something like 20 copies of Royal Tenenbaums, each different releases for different countries). It isn't hyperbole that I was absolutely excited to be seeing Radiohead again.
Nissan Pavillion - The location of the concert Sunday. Located at 7800 Cellar Door Dr in Bristow, Virginia. Out in the boonies of Northern Virginia. Right next to the Manassas Battlefield. Only accessible by driving on Lee Highway (a four lane, no streetlight nightmare) or I-66 (a boring old 8 lane highway.). I'm assuming that under normal conditions, Nissan Pavillion isn't hell.
Time - The doors will open at 7:30pm with an opening set by the Liars. That means Radiohead will probably be on at 9pm, right? OK, we'll depart at 5pm from Baltimore. That's two and a half hours to drive less than 100 miles. I'm assuming that we will miss the Liars set, get at the Pavillion to soak in the storm water and eat some crappy venue food. We're on the road, and immediately I can tell that this is going to be bad.
Storm Traffic, part one, rant one - Why is it that when there is any sort of precipitation, people the world around transform into two types of lesser living beings. The first type, the most prevalent, is the drive that believes that driving has become infinitely harder and will go twenty to thirty miles below the posted speed, in the LEFT LANES, and goddamn everyone else behind. In a town that has eight lane highways, that means that there are plenty of right side, slower traffic lanes that the scared may travel upon. Of course, they are competing for stupidity points with the second type, the I don't give a rat's ass that I'm decreasing visibility for everyone else behind me, I'm going to go as fast as I can while driving a SEMI-TRUCK. Yo, our wonderful transportators of fruit and tires, I know you guys have a hard job sitting in your cab, jerking off to VHS tapes or listening to George Jones, but remember, your vehicles kill a lot of us little people. Oh, and SUV people, same goes for you.
All sanity left the drivers to I-95 North at 5:30pm, who decided that the 495 west intersection was really, really difficult in the rain and so decided to go bumper to bumper at least 10-15 miles away from the junction. Was it an accident? No, it was just the general, run of the mill stupidity that is the capital beltway. Once on 495, it was the same, stupid slow down at ANY on-ramp or exit ramp, because merging becomes the most taxing event for some of these people.
My guess, maybe they were all celebrating their mothers and decided act infantile. On the road, we saw every form of inconsiderate driving, primarily the bastards who would take the passing lane just to move up to the front of the line of cars waiting for an exit. You do realize that you, YOU, are the reason for the slow down? The line of cars waiting would move at a normal fashion if it weren't for you complete and utter assholes. This is the reason why systematic road rage ought to be allowed, because if the state is not going to weed away the bad drivers by blocking them access to multiple ton, motorized killing machines, then natural selection needs to be instituted! Mad Max, people!
A Stop for Gas - OK, so we finally got on I-66, leaving us only a twenty mile drive to get to the concert...and it is 7:30pm. We'll make it to the show to see Radiohead. Let's get some gas.
At the station, downpour, a pick-up truck parks at the pump and disgorges three good ol' boys. Two head into the store to get their Mountain Dews while one guy who comes of our central casting for redneck stands and pumps. That isn't fair...stereotyping just because he's covered in denim and he's got a beard of red and he's got the ponytail sticking out from under the camoflauge hat and the hearty, Cracker Barrel belly...I mean he could be Mario Batali. Then, as I'm watching, he heads into the rain to go to the rear of his truck. There's a flag attached to the rear bumper and as he lovingly stretches out the soaked rag to reveal the stars and bars. Ahh, the confederate flag.
I hope he got home safely that night. I hope he's home with this home-made wine and his shotgun and his 45. I hope his toothless girlfriend/common law wife was too tired to make tender (...love? chicken tenders?) because she was scampering around chasing after their brood of Sam's Choice fed bastards. I hope he got to lay his head down and thank his caucasian god, all the great things in his life, like Bar-B-Que flavored Skoal or Pimp My Truck, when the roof collapsed on his trailer. Maybe I'll get to read a newspaper story about the death of him and his kind. Just maybe.
I digress...it was a pretty confederate flag.
Storm Traffic, Part Two - The next part of our journey was the saddest part of the journey. Until 11pm or so, three hours, we basically circled the area near the concert venue. Due to a confluence of road work, flooding, poor lighting, bad directions, blown over detour signs, uncommunicative damp police officers, angry fellow drivers, and general bad luck, we were stuck circling Jericho for hours. It was maddening. Tobes, my pal, and I played a game for hours to keep me from recreating Falling Down.
The Game - A fun game, involving movie information in a tennis volley type of system. One person serves by naming an actor. The opponent must name a movie that actor was in and then name a co-star from the movie. Back and forth until one is stumped.
Player 1: Harvey Keitel
Player 2: Pulp Fiction, Samuel L. Jackson
Player 1: The Incredibles, Craig T. Nelson
Let's say Player 2 is stumped on Craig T Nelson, then Player 1 must PROVE IT. If Player one says Blades of Glory, Will Ferrell, then player one wins. If Player One cannot prove it, then they serve and no point is awarded.
Fun game for movie buffs...but for five hours? Who does that? Tobes and I do that.
Storm Traffic, part three - By the time we get to Nissan Pavillion, around 11pm, we are told to turn around and go home. The parking lot is flooded and we cannot go to the show. Never mind that there were other spaces that we could have parked at and walked to the gates. They wouldn't allow that, mostly because the venue is in the blighted boonies and have no paved sidewalks. I'm sure there were liability issues that LiveNation (the promoter) wasn't able to write up to have their asses covered, since they were able to worm out of any sort of care or concern by emblazening their tickets with RAIN OR SHINE; if they could have gotten away with "Not responsible for injury resulting from walking to the show since all parking lots are water logged and we have no backup plan to transport fans who paid money to see a show only to cruise around the show's venue without being allowed to leave their car to actually see a f-ing show" they would have.
So, we were told by cops to go home. By the way, thank you, Mr policeman, who signaled, order, harassed me to hurriedly turn left into a one-lane area that almost had two cars slam into me. That precisely the type of coordination that's needed during storm situations...three cops telling three different cars to GO ALREADY into one tight lane. Potential accident averted because I got scared and crawled through the intersection.
The Journey Home - We got home at 1:30am. That's right, an eight hour + journey to Bristow Virginia to see nothing, hear nothing.
Sidenote, The Double T Diner on Highway 40 - Gyros are not supposed to taste so Spam-my.
The Kick in the Pants - Radiohead played a great, 24 song set. People who attended attest that the event sucked from a doused standpoint, but the set, songs, and performance were great. Colin wrote on Dead Air Space (the official Radiohead website):
To everyone who made it, and put up with the torrents on the lawn, and came early to catch the Liars and our show, thank you so much for braving the deluge. I hope you heard what you came for, the music and lights diverting you from the wet. We got out of there around three am, and the pic shows Jonny waiting in the loading bay whilst the water streams across the tarmac. We've had floods at Bull Creek, lightning at the RFK stadium, so there must be some kind of Biblical fix between us and DC. Frogs next time?That doesn't make me feel good. No mention of the ones who were stuck outside, in their cars, not in the rain. Well, now here's this today:
Due to Sunday night's torrential rain storm and consequential multiple road closures, many fans were unable to reach the Nissan Pavilion. While acknowledging a lack of control over the ensuing flooding and detours, the members of Radiohead are nevertheless disappointed regarding this turn of events. For further inquiries, ticketholders who didn't get in are urged to contact: customerservice@nissanpavilion.comI've contacted, folks...and I'll keep you updated.
THE END
