The Joys of Being Unconditioned

The summer solstice is here. Enjoy the heat and the light, since the days only get shorter from here.

To all those who enjoy the heat and the weather that is summertime, may I offer you a hearty "get bent." Sure, the solstice used to be a rockin' good time: many different groups throughout human history have traditionally linked the summer solstice with joy, abundance, and fertility. Take the neopagans who link the solstice to fertility and sex. According to the good Reverend DuMolin, symbolic marriages around the solstice really were something to celebrate:

"The sexual unions during these ceremonies were more an essential part of the rites. The people believed that the marriage of trees and plants could not be fertile without the real union of human beings joining in a sexual union."

Go on with your bad selves, pagans! Sex as a symbolic something or other so that there's more food. I can get behind that kind of logic. It almost makes up the for ridiculousness of neopagans. I'm sorry, Storm Whisperer, red eye shadow and unicorn's blood do not a religion make...but you've got the right idea with better produce with coitus.

In fact, maybe we can expand that logic to other holidays. It sure would make Arbor Day a whole lot more relevant. "Plant a tree for your tomorrow (and by plant, we mean make the tree with two backs."

However, I digress. I'm actually quite mad at all your warm weather fanatics. Summertime is the worst season due to the by-products that come from sunshine and stormy weather: sweat, mosquitoes, children, and temptation. Explain, you ask? Well, here's a double buckshot for that ace.

Sweat: I don't have an A/C right now. The bars on the windows of my place get in the way, thus hot, humid room with only a fan trying to keep me cool. Sure, it has its nostalgic moments, especially using the wet towel trick to amp up the evaporation effect. However, a pool of sweat in the bed has an awfully familiar feeling to peeing the bed...how you gonna try to score with summer babes on a sweat-sponge bed? Remember Standardchuck maxim #410: chicks don't dig damp sheets/shirts/boxers/mattresses/hands/groins/money.

Mosquitoes: Do I really need to explain this? They bite me cause I taste like braised pork shoulders with a saffron butter glaze to 'em. Can I help it that I'm so darned tasty? They can't resist this succulent flesh...much like the ladies...

Children: Ok, sure, maybe the summer months, with the heat and the shedding of clothing (really, ladies, if you wear tank tops and short shorts, we're gonna want to bed you EVEN MORE) is a reason for the increased rate of conception, but this is not what I was thinking. What I really hate about summer is that the kids aren't in school. If they're not in school, that means that from 8am - 3pm, when they usually are ignoring lessons, they're now playing sports (aka denting cars) or hanging out (aka smuggling, doping, murdering, pillaging, stabbing, and/or selling lemonade). These are annoyances that just really add to the unbearable nature of summertime.

Temptation: Sure, sexual temptation is one of the items, but that's really not an issue. You can be tempted by the fruit of another during any season (mmm illicit autumn lovin'). I'm talking about the temptation to do things that you would never do during the cooler months of the year. Yes, you know, the temptation to bear more skin...the world ought not see some body parts. Ladies, if you feel the need to let the lower part of your ass to hang out of shorts or skirts, then you're just skank-i-licious. Men, yes, wife beaters do indeed make you look like this guy. Additionally, pot bellies should never be exposed to general viewings. Also, there's the temptation to just do nothing. The dog days of summer are inefficient. You'd much rather eat an ice cream and sit by a pool than work on those 1475-G forms that the boss wants by the end of the day. Hell, give me a slip-n-slide and a busted hose, and I'll show you lost work-hours.

Overall, summer time is about decadence. Its about enjoying the fact that the surrounding world is hot as Hades, and thus it is time to give Lucifer his dues. Summertime is evil. So, if you're evil and you know it, use your fans.