A Cranky, Cantankerous Rant (part one in an ongoing series)

Why do these community newspapers persist? You know, the ones at the carry out joints sitting on the rickety bookshelves, begging to be read with enticements of local news that you can use. Then, out of sheer boredom, you open it up to find pages of local advertising (from the illustrious likes of bottom feeding attorneys and way-too-smiley real estate agents) which are broken up by occasional articles written by friendly community types who have absolutely nothing to say. Unless, you're reading the crappy "newspaper" that just says forget the pseudo news and just runs the community events calendar and, if you're lucky and live in a crime infested rat den like Baltimore, a crime blotter. Imagine my delight when I opened up the latest issue of The Baltimore Guide, probably the crappiest paper ever put out (maybe second to the "What's New With the Packards" newsletter that greets me every six months...thanks, Microsoft, for home publishing software), and after reading the absolutely uninspiring lead story about the Butchers Hill Flea Market and Craft Show (also known as the hippy and old people trash event) and news about renovated Audubon centers (who the what?), there, on pages 6 and 10, laid the greatest comedy blurb ever...Crime Scene by Mary Helen Sprecher (who seems to be the sole writer of this shitty paper). I hope Mary Helen got some chuckles out of these amazing, amazing stories (my comments in parentheses):

• Eastern Avenue, 2000 block, Spetember 6, 7:50pm (not even 8pm yet!) One man was arrested for pulling a knife on another after the first man refused to buy him a drink. (AHAHAHAHA...I haven't been in a situation like that since RUSTY JUSTICE left Baltimore)
• S. Paterson Park Avenue, unit block, September 5, 9:40pm A man was arrested for pushing his girlfriend into a fish tank and assaulting her with a dog leash (this is why you don't date a man with too many pets, ladies.)
• O'Donnell St, 2900 block, September 2, 12:45am A man was inside a bar when a suspect approached him and fo no apparent reason, head-butted him, causing a laceration to the victim's face (I love the typed out words head-butted. Additionally, we've all had those nights of drinking where we've randomly wanted to head-butt a schmuck...let's live vicariously through the suspect)
• N. Wolfe Street, unit block, September 9, 11:09pm A man told police that a suspect had threatened him with a handgun and robbed him of his cellphone, wallet, keys, and two slices of pizza ("give me them slices, or your life!")
• S. East Avenue, 200 block, September 5, 8:44pm A woman told police that two teenaged suspects had approached her car while she was unloading it and demanded money. She gave them $6 and they fled. (and that's why I continue to say that the children are not our future. Six Dollars?!! idiots)
• Bonsal Street...Someone damaged the door handle of a van and took a birth certificate, green card, Social Security card, passport, $300-500 of coins, and the title to the van as well as two books of checks and a lease agreement (who the hell keeps all this in their van...idiotic van owner. 300 to 500 dollars in coins...either this owner is a coin laundry/vending machine entrepeneur, or the premier coin collector in the state).
  

This post evidences two things. One, local papers are a joke in this day and age of the internet. Phase them out. Two, criminals are stupid, but the victims are just as idiotic.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll got think about other things that annoy me (I'm looking at you, retarded BMW driver texting on the cell phone...just die already).