In the News: Excuse Me If We've Heard this One

Ahhh, the fresh smelling news...

• Investigators Being Sent to Iraq by Defense Secretary Robert Gates: What'cha Gonna Do With All Those Facts You're Gonna Find? - Defense Secretary Robert Gates told Congress on Wednesday he is unhappy with the Pentagon's oversight of its private contractors in Iraq, saying he's dispatched a fact-finding team to investigate problems there. Mmmmm, mercenary justice - "Many outsiders have predicted since the war began that the reliance on contractors — especially security contractors — was going to eventually produce problems, and now it has," said Loren Thompson, a defense expert at the Lexington Institute, a think tank. "The nature of the war does not encourage anybody to pay close attention to what local laws require," he added. "When you're in an environment where the Shiite militias and the Sunni insurgents are paying no attention at all to the law, there's always a rationalization for American forces ignoring it, too, and that's doubly true in the case of private contractors."
• Violent crackdown launched in Myanmar: The sound of peace is beating down monks - Security forces in Myanmar opened fire on demonstrators Wednesday, and witnesses said police beat and dragged away dozens of Buddhist monks. When you're losing, just question the monkness of monks - The junta said security forces opened fire after a crowd of 10,000 people, including what it described as "so-called monks," failed to disperse at Yangon's Sule Pagoda. It said police used minimum force. When did firing a gun into a crowd considered minimal force? Burma, the land of gatherings of four or less - When faced with a similar crisis in 1988, Myanmar brutally suppressed a student-led democracy uprising. Soldiers shot into crowds of peaceful demonstrators, killing thousands. On Tuesday, the junta banned all public gatherings of more than five people and imposed a 9 p.m.-5 a.m. curfew following eight days of anti-government marches led by monks.
• Day's Favority Story; Craig tries to withdraw guilty plea: Great White Hope - Sen. Larry Craig said he hopes that his guilty plea in an airport sex sting will be rescinded by a court in Minneapolis on Wednesday. The greatest slogan ever - "We're protesting the fact that a man has been convicted of a crime that he didn't commit," said Jason Gabbert, 38, of Apple Valley. Gabbert, dressed as the policeman, held a sign that said, "Next time pee, don't plea!"
• Baltimore City News; Teen dies after accident on skateboard: Darwin Award Hopeful - if you've known StandardChuck, we have a policy of not supporting skateboarders. This is why. A 15-year-old boy who fell after holding on to a cement truck while riding a skateboard last week in South Baltimore has died, police said.
• Self Vicktemization; Falcons QB Vick tests positive for marijuana; judge imposes tighter restrictions on freedom: You know, if I were facing prison time and my career was over and all my friends turned their backs on me, I totally would smoke a bowl.
• Scientists find new species in Vietnam: new orchids...neat.
• Russian woman's 12th baby weighs in at 7.75 kg: The russians have finally perfected the Super Human formula. That poor woman's body will never be the same again.
• Court: New mom must get extra test time: so many jokes, but I must abstain...huh...huhhuh..."equal footing" with the men and non-lactating women who take the exam...huhhuh...special considerations much? - Currier already had received special accommodations under the Americans with Disabilities Act for dyslexia and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, including permission to take the test over two days instead of one.
• Paris Hilton plans to jet to Rwanda: Because nothing brings serious inquiry into genocide like a worthless celebritard's visit - Paris Hilton plans to visit Rwanda as part of her post-jail commitment to use her celebrity status to bring attention to social causes. A worse crime against humanity - "I'll be going in November, after I get back from filming my movie" all those poor Rwandan kids to hear that they're "so hot" - "I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern," she says. "I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues." Can't we just deport her to whore island and get it over with?
• Bears to bench Grossman, start Griese: That's the end of sex cannon isn't it ksk?
• This is what happens when teenage girls get around animatronic rodents; Police break up brawl at Chuck E. Cheese: it wasn't the first, and it won't be the last - "There was a similar incident there awhile back, and we also had that same issue at Cinemark, and (management) decided to start restricting who they allowed in at certain times," Sexton said.
• AHHHHHHHHHHHH, part 1; Man buys smoker, finds human leg inside
• AHHHHHHHHHHHH, part 2; Scorned wife takes knife to man's penis in Malaysia: the worst part of this story is the picture attached to the story. As WDD-40 writes: "in case you didn't know how a knife slices through meat, here's some meat that isn't attached to a human"