Sports Guy, You Have Been Warned

Yeah, I know, bashing on the Sports Guy Bill Simmons is a cottage industry (particularly well done by the fellows at Kissing Suzy Kolber). However, with the outrage over the videotape-gate kicking into ludicrous speed, I expected Simmons to not be as homer-ish as his tone is in the latest post from America's laziest blogger (yeah, I know, I'm no Louis L'Amour, but then again, I'm not paid the money that Simmons gets for his witty insights).

Take this example from the latest Simmons post:

Anyway, I thought the penalty was slightly excessive but fair. I was hoping they'd lose a second-rounder, but whatever. They cheated, they were warned, they kept cheating, they got caught, they paid the price. (And a steep price at that.)

Excessive? Steep? Consider that Belichick and his surveillance staff (do you think that's a line item on the Patriots budget..."spies - $40,000"...right next to "Matt Cassel (Sudoku for sideline duty - $20") broke the rules for a competitive advantage, should they have been suspended for multiple games? Seriously, a coach was suspended for games since he tested for banned substances...he doesn't even step on the field!!! Now, the Pats get off with a monetary fine...half a million dollars hurts, but then again, Belichick will make that from the advance for his new book, "If I Did Spy." Additionally, the first round draft pick isn't enough...we need to send a clear message. How about forbidding the Pats from the NFL draft, but rather having to prove themselves by only drafting from a pool of former XFL players. Mmm, maybe they could draft this guy.

Next, if that wasn't obnoxious enough, Simmons goes on to take Mangini to task.

I did think The Turncoat (aka Eric Mangini) should have been fined for blowing the whistle on Belichick and then inexplicably shaking his hand afterward.

This is probably the most asinine statement made by Simmons in the last...well, let's be honest, week, since Simmons has been showing that he's becoming less insightful and rather just plain crazy. He's headed toward Larry King zone, where the statements just become random sentences from an insane mind. You're upset that Mangini shook Belichick's hand??? What? Because young Eric has a knowledge of SPORTSMANSHIP rather than the snotty elitism that the genius Belichick displayed by snubbing Mangini in the traditional post-game handshake...you chastise Mangini for this? Seriously, if I hadn't already hated New England sports fans, this probably is the last straw. Simmons goes on to demonstrate the definition of the word "bitchy bitch dickhead:"

Stick to your guns, Mr. Mangineous. If you're going to sell out your old boss during the game, what better way to show your disgust than eschewing the postgame handshake and just walking off the field? What's the point of shaking hands? Hey, great game, congrats on the win. ... By the way, I ratted you out in the first quarter, sorry about that. My dad was more outraged about that two-faced move than anything since the Doc Rivers extension.

The guy was showing respect for the game, not the man. You don't refuse to shake the President's hand just because you don't respect the man...you respect the office. The post-game handshake is a symbolic gesture that the game is indeed just that...a game. Two teams meeting on the field to play a game to see who wins. It shouldn't have devolved into this, "I wonder if Belichick is going to shake his hand," baby-momma drama that the Massholes seem to salivate for. This isn't the WWE, folks. Its a game.

Also, I'm sure I would like Simmons' dad if I had a beer with him, but Ol' Man Simmons also sounds like a wrinkly ball sack of petty sadness. Why not get on Belichick's case for accepting the handshake? No one, NO ONE would have blinked an eye if Belichick did a psych-out faux handshake on Mangini...no one would put it past him.

Let's continue with Simmons' lament:

That reminds me, everyone's talking about the other teams and implying they were the victims. What about Pats fans? How did we deserve this? Our favorite team cheated, we lost a No. 1 pick, our coach pulled the football version of the Watergate break-in, our entire mini-dynasty has been tainted according to the outside world.

The sheer audacity...Simmons is a big balled prick, isn't he? Pats fans? Pats fans? We're talking about the coach and his bad decision and you're talking about the Pats fans? What the hell are you talking about, Simmons? In the pantheon of bad moves that cost a franchise their future, this camera scandal is going to be a blip on the radar. What about the Vick fans? What about the Duke Lacrosse fans? Hell, what about the Ryan Leaf draft pick? This is nothing, and I refuse to feel sorry for the poor New England Patriot fan for their tainted dynasty. Only those who have become satiated with winning could ever make such a entitled whine. Your team has won, and will continue to win...and face it, the world will not cheer for you. You've gone from being the face (remember the glory days of that first Super Bowl shocker) to being the big bad heel (Cheating. Asshole coach. Randy Moss). You might as well glide around and act like Ted Dibiase, you mincing jerkoffs.

All week, I almost felt like I did something wrong just because I rooted for these guys. Well, no more. Call them cheaters, call them villains, call them the evil empire, but it's still my team.

Yes...the transformation is complete...the Red Sox/Patriots fans have made the full conversion to becoming...a New York fan. Oh, the similarities between Boston and New York sports fans. Wahhhh. The sports world doesn't like us. Wahhhh. Why don't people like us, the fans? Why? Because you are all whiny bitches when things don't go right, and the most arrogant pricks when you're winning. Boston fans at least used to be bearable during the awful losing years. They had that wonderful woebegone way of talking and acting that made them endearing. However, once the famine broke, they became their worst enemies...they became Yankee fans. Those honking, wasted, drunken, loud-mouthed assholes that every real fan of a sport wants to punch repeatedly.

Take, for instance, this tool of a guy that I know who I'll call Smartinelli. Smartinelli is an asshole. He's got all the characteristics of an asshole: he's completely out of his element when he's around people, he thinks he's the best, he's outrageously competitive, and he's got horrible taste. Now, he's also got the standard defenses that women will use to try to explain away his assholeness: he's got a low self esteem, he never does it on purpose, he's a lot nicer when he's not in a crowd. However, face the facts, he's an asshole, through and through. Now, if Smartinelli were a Yankees fan he'd be in your face, blabbing about how awesome his team is, using lots of curse words, and probably three and a half sheets to the wind. Smartinelli is not a Yankees fan. He's a Patriots/Red Sox fan. This means that he's just an assbag with a chip on his shoulder. He won't be in your face unprovoked. However, if you don't give him props about his team when in a conversation about the various sports, then he'll start whining, and the whines become stronger, until you get gale force douche baggery coming out of his asshole mouth. There's an arrogance that borders on the righteousness. "Go ahead and make fun of my team," he says smirking, "because my team is the greatest team ever." Smartinelli is much worse than a Yankees fan...because he's not just a dirt bag, he's an entitled dirt bag...like a trust fund dicktard.

I digress...Simmons is a trust fund dicktard. I used to really like him. He was funny. He was real. Now, he's Hollywood fake mixed with Boston righteousness without the prodigious output. He's becoming about as relevant as Perez Hilton.

That said...he's still my hero. I never said I was going to stop reading him...I just like to complain.

*****

Speaking of complaining...how about this. The Ravens pull off a win, and I was thoroughly bored. The only time I was on my feet was the last minutes of the game, as the Baltimore D looked like the were bored, or maybe thought they were the "other team" in any football movie, where the heroic team marches down the field to score the last touchdown. I mean, we made Kellen Clemens look like Tom Brady for a while, eh? This Ravens team is not the fourth best team in the AFC. With coaching like this, we're lucky if we're in the playoffs this year.