Worst of the Best of Baltimore 2007 - Part One: Best Reason to Live in Baltimore

Best Reason to Live Here - Crime
To have grown up or survived for years on the mean streets of Baltimore often spawns intense local pride, since street cred doesn't come any more bona fide than to have been a Baltimorean for any significant length of time. Even for those who never have been in The Game, the scars of the war, if not visible in the form of a gunshot wound or a wheelchair, are ever ready to be shown off rhetorically. Denizens of Mobtown tend to have winning cocktail-party stories about crime, whether learned firsthand or simply known in detail by dint of life in the big city. To those more timid creatures who never have had the privilege of Baltimore living, our stories are larger than life and make us seem courageous and wise beyond our years. Respect like that rarely comes simply from one's address, and it puts us Baltimorons on the level with someone who, say, lived in Beirut during the 1970s. We're survivors, and we're staying no matter what. Now, what'll we do if crime goes down? Well, hopefully, one of our sports teams will give us something else to be proud about.

Who the hell wrote this? What uppity little Baltimore yuppie/hipster wrote this shitty little piece? There is a big difference between being someone who embarrasses the ugliness in their city and someone who glorifies something ugly as if it were a positive personal attribute.

Now I understand that there's that survivor's mentality that comes from living in Baltimore (and let's not kid ourselves, you're not a real Baltimorean if you live in Mt. Washington, Canton, Harborplace, Roland Park and their like) that's similar to living in NYC during the bloody heydays (NYC'ers who live in tony Upper anything side or in a flat above an art gallery, piss off, you're no tough Tony Bourdain, you're more like Sarah Jessica Parker). However, if you're the uppity little bitch talking about crime at a cocktail party, then you're the problem.

First of all, who the fuck goes to cocktail parties? Could it be these people to the right?

Second of all, let's say you were at a gathering and you're talking about how cool you are because you live in a crime infested town...you better look like these people to the right and be attending MICA, because you're a joke.

I've seen people who work for City Paper. They're some of the most urban arrogant people in Baltimore (not all, don't get your panties in a knot, writer for City Paper who is friendly). They're also cut from the same cloth as those who think supporting local music acts who have absolutely no talent but are really really good marketers (I'm looking at you, Wham City. Also at you, dude in the apartment building above mine who keeps butchering the same Jose Gonzalez/Pedro the Lion songs over and over and over again. You can't sing, close your windows) as a good thing. Let the delusional learn that they're not artists. Don't always support local music if it sucks.

I digress...the arrogance of the writer to say that living in Baltimore is akin to living in Beirut is astounding. I mean, sure, it gets hairy when the bombs are striking the building in Federal Hill, but you learn to live through the mortar attacks. Right. The writer of this article, and his/her friends, probably get freaked out when the homeless guy tries to get money from them on North Avenue. "OMG, he's so dirty! He's going to scratch up my Prius!"

My ultimate review of this article...written by a white person who loves Squidfire, Rocket to Venus, and collecting those stupid vinyl collectible toys they have at Atomic Pop for the white people who flock to TaxLo lounge to try to look really, really, really cool. You're all idiots.