- Red Fish, Blue Fish, Right Fish, Wrong Fish: oops - the population of an endangered native trout in Colorado has made little progress because biologists have been stocking some of the waterways with the wrong fish. my bet, the biologists are Colorado hippies hop-heads. which fish? - attempting to raise the numbers of the endangered greenback cutthroat trout, scientists mistakenly restocked with common Colorado River cutthroat trout. look at the picture...we're trying to restock the greenback, right? um, which fish could it be...could it be the one with the GREEN BACK?!! a Ph.D. in obvious -they did a study and realized that stocking the wrong fish didn't increase the target fish population's numbers. University of Colorado professor Andrew Martin, the study's principal investigator, said that while the findings might give the recovery program a "black eye." I was going to write a joke about "sockeye" but didn't think it was appropriate...now if this was a salmon story, watch out!
- Pavarotti is morte: this is how I want to be remembered - the second line in his Yahoo! obituary: "He was the son of a singing baker and became the king of the high C's." how ignoble for a star to be remembered as a pun. if you wanna be my tenor - Pavarotti liked to mingle with pop stars in charity concerts "Pavarotti & Friends," held annually in Modena. He performed with artists as varied as Ricky Martin, James Brown and the Spice Girls...who all died before Pavarotti. goodbye papa bear - he split with Adua Veroni, his wife of 35 years and mother of their three daughters, and took up with his 26-year-old secretary, Nicoletta Mantovani, in 1996. They had a daughter, Alice, in early 2003 and married later that year. he enjoyed good food, international acclaim, and a 26 year old when he was in his 60's. thanks for the music, rip.
- Syria says Israel bombs territory as Israel silent: line in the sand - Syria accused Israel of infiltrating its airspace and bombing its territory on Thursday and warned it could respond. israel responded by holding both clinched fists up to their eyes, and uttering "wahhhhh." we showed that desert - a Syrian official said: "They dropped bombs on an empty area while our air defenses were firing heavily at them." the Syrians are not overreacting. freakin' bums leave their detritus on my front door stoop, and I totally want retaliation. if I could find their crack dens, I would definitely leave my empty chicken boxes on their property. or a bomb. either way, I would win. praise Allah! read between the lines - "Syrian officials have said Syria is seeking peaceful means to liberate the territory, although some have also indicated that force remained an option if diplomacy failed." I love statements where the use of focus is implied. its like saying, I'm sorry we had a fight, honey, and it'll all be O.K. after some time...or I might cut off your penis." tit for rat-tat-tat - "Syria last said it fired at Israeli warplanes in June 2006, when Israeli aircraft buzzed a Syrian presidential palace. Israeli officials said at the time the flyover was a message to cease support for Hamas after the Palestinian militant group abducted an Israeli soldier." sounds like a really fucked up pissing contest, eh?
- New mortgage foreclosures set record: what's the frequency, dougie - "Doug Duncan, the MBA's chief economist, said the worsening performance was driven by two factors — heavy job losses in the Midwest states of Ohio, Michigan and Indiana and the collapse of previously booming housing markets in California, Florida, Nevada and Arizona." a third factor is the massive reprecussions of the Paris Hilton jailing...and that is why we let worthless heiress stars do whatever they want to do. out of house and home - "Democrats have blamed predatory lending practices for a large part of the current problems and have introduced a number of bills aimed at helping homeowners stay in their houses." one such bill, introduced by Dennis Kucinich, is called the "hugs, not foreclosures" bill. prominent Republicans countered by helping to physically evict default homeowners in their home state. Quote Mitt Romney, "I got some awesome swag evicting this mormon family...like this new wife!" yeah...forced jokes...I'm drying up like Bea Arthur.
- Thompson announces candidacy on Leno: and the nation yawned.
- Hu reassures US on Chinese products: it was made in china - Sydney, Australia: Chinese President Hu Jintao, on the defensive over recalls of tainted toothpaste, pet food and toys, told President Bush on Thursday that Beijing was stepping up product safety inspections. however, the microphone he was using malfunctioned, sprouting lead spiked projectiles that killed two U.S. aides, a Chinese dignitary, and four dingos. china-small - "China has acknowledged that some manufacturers have cut corners and used substandard materials, but that the problem involves a relatively small portion of the nation's factories." and, Hu added, the poisons used weren't tested on animals...just their workers. losing one's head at work - "Hu told Bush that the government has set up an agency to oversee the quality and safety of exports, and that officials responsible for wrongdoing have been held accountable." awesome...business death squads. he was articulate for a chinaman - "The president was quite articulate about product safety, and I appreciated his comments," Bush said after his sit down with Hu on the sidelines of the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation summit. Hu replied that he didn't understand a single word out of Bush's mouth.
- Early rising no good for the heart: early to rise, early to die-z - Generations have praised the wisdom of getting up early in the morning, but a Japanese study says early-risers are actually at a higher risk of developing heart problems. close read this - However, the study also noted that early risers were usually older.
- Leech invasion makes Japan residents see red: sign of the apocalypse - Long confined to the mountains, Japanese leeches are invading residential areas, causing swelling, itching and general discomfort with their blood-thirsty ways. let's all shiver - "Yamabiru (japanese land leeches) will climb into people's socks and stay for about an hour, growing five to 10 times in size. Unlike with water leeches, people don't immediately realise they've been bitten. Only later when they see their blood-soaked feet, do they realise what has happened," said Shigekazu Tani, the institute's director.
- 'Popcorn lung patient' inhaled fumes daily: freakin' idiot - "Wayne Watson loved microwave popcorn so much he would eat at least two bags each night, breathing in the steam from the just-opened package, until doctors told him it may have made him sick." breathing in the steam from the just-opened package. really? really?!! the more you know - "America: Read the labels, and just be careful about what we put into our bodies and always practice moderation," Watson said. "Don't go crazy." additionally, Watson warned that America should "heed traffic laws," shouldn't "taunt police officers," and should never "rub hot popcorn butter on one's jiggly bits." i feel better - "The Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association said that Rose's finding does not suggest a risk from eating microwave popcorn." the Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association, doesn't that sound like the most exciting annual conference gathering of all time!
- Breast cancer more deadly in black women: confirms what I always knew, cancer hates white people.
- Man found nude after clothes stolen: your Van Halen T-Shirt or your life - The victim, a 19-year-old Hazleton man, was taken by two men to a rural area west of Oelwein where the men took his clothes at gunpoint. ain't too old to take your clothes - Billy Ray Staton Jr., 36, and Arthur David Thomas, 53, both of Oelwein, were arrested and charged with first-degree robbery. a fifty year old man. douches.
- Airline sacrifices goats to appease sky god: what's a guy got to sacrifice to get a working copying machine? - Officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said Tuesday.
That's enough for now...have at it!
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